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7/31/2006

Israeli Official:" "We Meant 48 Minutes" on Bomb Hiatus

dead child in LebanonLeft: Hezbollah combatant carried off by aid worker

(Tel Aviv) Israeli Brigadier General Amir Eshel said that "translation errors" were responsible for news of a hiatus in Israel's bombing campaigns in Lebanon.

"It's an understandable mistake," Eshel said of the miscommunication. "Plus, when we said "suspension" we really meant that kind of in-school suspension you used to get in high school, when you were in trouble, but not really, and spent most of the day staring at the hooters of the girl across the aisle. That kind of suspension."

Israeli suspended air strikes following an international outcry over the deaths of at least 54 persons, including 37 children, in the Lebanese village of Qana. Eshel said that he blames Hezbollah for the deaths of the children.

"Part of the Hezbollah training is to get these children at a young age and teach them to fling themselves on live Israeli munitions," he said. "There's nothing sadder than watching one of those deluded young children taking a swan dive on a DPICM projectile round."

Left: Hezbollah hideout cleverly disguised as apartment with small children

Israeli Justice Minister Haim Ramon said the suspension did not mean that the Israel was ending its war against Hezbollah.

"The suspension of our aerial activities does not signify in any way the end to the war," Ramon told Israeli army radio. "On the contrary, this decision will allow us to catch those dirty Hezbollah bastards while they try to catch some sleep. I just hope they run out of children to throw on our bombs, though."

7/30/2006

Michael McDonald to Re-Record Every Song by a Black Guy

Michael McDonald, former Doobie Brothers frontman (Los Angeles, CA) Multiple Grammy Award-winner Michael McDonald, former frontman of the Doobie Brothers and succesful solo artist, made official what many have long suspected.

"It is my goal to take every original song crooned by a black guy and turn it into my own," he said to National Nitwit reporters yesterday. "My gritty, blue-eyed soul sound will now become the only way you can remember all the great R&B songs of the past."

McDonald discussed a parallel between his philosophy and an existing medium.

"It's kinda like Muzak, in a way," he said. "They take every song you ever heard, re-record it, and make it bland and palatable for every setting. I am like the Muzak of Motown, plus Stax, Volt, Atlantic, and Buddha Records."

His renditions of Motown hits recently earned him his first Platinum record as a solo artist and yet another Grammy nomination.

"Yeah, that was gratifying, especially since it was basically like a karaoke session," he said. "I got in there, knocked that album out in 7 days, and I'm a mega-freaking-zillionaire now from the tie-ins with Ford and MCI. Go figure - in a America, even a fat, balding white guy can make it big."

7/29/2006

New York City HOT, Willy MAD

Guest editorial by Willy the Goon

Willy very hot this morning. Underwear stick to Willy's ass. Underwear stick to Willy's willy.

Willy hate hot weather. Willy hate global warming.

President say global warming in Al Gore's head. Willy want to SMASH Al Gore for making global warming.

Group home supervisor Mr. Thompson say Willy must change T-shirt. Willy want to SMASH Mr. Thompson and stuff T-shirt in his mouth. Global warning means it's too hot for anything, especially change clothes.

Al Gore, stupid headLeft: Willy SMASH stupid heads

Stupid heads watch global warming show on group home TV. Willy say it's stupid to watch global warming show when global warming make New York so hot.

Willy want to SMASH TV, and SMASH thermometer, and SMASH Al Gore.

Willy like winter much better, and not want to SMASH AL Gore for global warming.

Not so much. Willy still sometimes want to SMASH Al Gore.

Mel Gibson - Anti-Semitic Putz

Occasionally Subcomandante Bob comes across real news stories (imagine that!) with incredible humor and irony that surpass the best satire.

This report is one of those; kudos to historymike.

It seems that Mel Gibson - he of "Passion of the Christ" fame - got busted for a DUI.

Not so unusual; if Subcomandante Bob actually had a license, he would probably get some DUIs, too.

Mel Gibson, though, decided in his drunk-ass mind that the best time to make anti-Semitic comments would be while in police custody. While being video-taped.

Uh, Mel?? Not a good idea, mate.

Down under they describe drunkenness in the following manner: "He's got the wobbly boot on."

Mel's not only got the wobbly boots, but he stuck one in his fucking ass and the other in his drooling mouth.

7/28/2006

God: "Killing Kittens is Definitely a Gas"

(Heaven) In an interview with National Nitwit reporters, God admitted that He has a "fondness" for taking the lives of young felines.

"Contrary to popular belief, my killing of kittens has nothing to do with masturbation, the war in Iraq, or the Yankees winning the pennant," said the Prince of Peace. "Truth be told, I just like seeing the cute little things die a horrible, painful death."

The Righteous One said that he finds something "incredibly ironic" in his random kitty kills.

"There they are, gaily prancing across a green meadow, then BLAM! Nothing but tufts of fur," He said, rubbing His hands together. "If that doesn't speak volumes about the emptiness and futility of existence, I don't know what does."

God added that He takes "a kind of perverse glee" in the reactions of the faithful to the sudden snuffing of a kitten.

"The whole 'why, God, why?!?!' routine is hilarious, what with the tears, gnashing of teeth, and renting of garments," He chuckled. "You guys need to lighten up and grab a pistol - nothing relieves stress better than tagging a tabby at 30 yards, especially when you get a clean head shot."

Wal-Mart Pulls Out of Germany, Spews Wad on Her Chest

By Billy Pilgrim, National Nitwit Rogue Editor

(Berlin)—Wal-Mart Stores Inc., one of the world’s most powerful global corporations and a straight-up man-whore, decided to pull out of Germany late last night and blow its frothy load all over her Bavarian tits.

Wal-Mart cited archaic tax codes, stiff competition, and indifferent consumerism for the decision to end the relationship.

“Germany has been very cool all along,” Wal-Mart stated in a press conference this morning. “It’s just, well…I’ve been down this road before, and figured it was best to spank on her milk-white skin rather than shoot my sauce inside. That implies a certain degree of commitment that I’m just not comfortable making right now.”

This is not the first time Wal-Mart has made such a decision. In May, Wal-Mart chose to pull out of South Korea, ending their tawdry affair by blasting man-gravy all over her pouting, exotic face.

Undisclosed sources close to Wal-Mart contend that the international stud has his eye on hotties such as China and Central America for the next torrid escapade.

“Wal-Mart is built like Adonis, so it’s hard to resist his charm,” remarked Alabama in an exclusive interview with the National Nitwit. “When he starts mackin’ with discounted electronics and one of those 4-for-the-price-of-3 lawn chair sales, it’s game over, man. I hope China’s on the pill.”

7/27/2006

Woman Irked that Nose Piercing is Mistaken for Booger

Left: Kantner's nasal burden

(Santa Monica, CA) Sharon Kantner says that she waited "a long time" before deciding to enter the world of body piercing.

"I was 36 before I even had my ears pierced," she admitted. "Then I thought I would try out something discreet, but edgy, and I had an emerald nose piercing done."

Unfortunately for Kantner, most people who notice her new green gem mistake the piercing for a piece of dried mucous.

"It happens at least twice a day - someone will come up and offer me a Kleenex or paper napkin," she said, absently touching the palladium setting. "Then there are the moments of awkward silence, when a person is not sure if they should say something to me or not. Lately I've just been yelling: 'It's a PIERCING!', but that's not really a good way to start a conversation, is it?"

Kantner said that the "worst part" is that she cannot remove the piercing at the moment.

"I got it done at a piercing party, and the damned thing got infected," she said. "I'm also getting scar tissue building up, so now I look like Karl Malden with a piece of snot. Just fucking great."

7/26/2006

Opinion: You Did Not Just Propose to Me at a Ball Game

A Guest Editorial by Meredith Huxley

Left: Huxley feigning excitement...poorly

John, I love you very much. We’ve been together for two years, and I fought the urge to cheat on you that week you were in Mexico last April, so I think we have something special going here. I can even tolerate your bitch-ass mother, as long as she stops calling whenever there’s a Tupperware sale at Target.

So please, please tell me you didn’t just propose at a Tigers game.

There’s 50,000 people here, John. How intimate. At this rate, we might as well celebrate the engagement by 69-ing in the parking garage and putting the video on YouTube. And nothing prepares a girl for making a life commitment better than some $9 hotdogs and nachos. I haven’t felt this bloated since that time I ate five Hot Pockets because you were too lazy to buy groceries.

But I digress.

Where did you get that ring? Was it clearance day at the mall? My piss is clearer than that diamond, John. I would be the laughing stock of my friends if I wore that pebble on my finger—I told you to get a rock. Something that screams, “this girl is TAY-KEN!” You better have kept the receipt.

Oh Jesus. Now we’re on the Jumbotron. Ok, ok, smile and nod. I’m hiring a wedding planner as soon as we get home—a real flamer who’ll respond to my needs. If this is the beginning of our life together, you better quit dicking around, John. Marriage is about sacrifice.

7/25/2006

Paternity Test Shows Einstein Did Not Father Modern Science


Einstein: gentleman, statesman...deceptive stepparent?

By Billy Pilgrim, National Nitwit Rogue Editor

(Washington, DC)—A recent study by the Smithsonian Institute has leveled a shocking blow for the scientific community: Albert Einstein, arguably the 20th century’s greatest intellectual, did not, in fact, father modern science.

This revelation has not only called many of Einstein’s theories into question, but also his relationship with his progeny.

“I don’t know what to believe anymore,” said a frustrated Dr. John Bethlehem, one of the leading scholars who worked on the study. “We’ve accepted Einstein’s theory of relativity for decades, and now we find out he’s not our dad. We’ve been living in a house of lies.”

D.C.-area college students were devastated by the discovery, since many had been enthused by Einstein’s eccentric and colorful personality, and cited his passion for physics as their own chief inspiration.

“My mom gave me a poster of him when I took first place in a 5th grade science fair,” remarked a tearful Louise Brandy, a doctoral candidate at Georgetown University. “Ever since, I’ve wanted to walk in Einstein’s footsteps. But now, to learn he’s not even family? I want to burn every reference to gravitational lensing in this place.” Rush+Limbaugh

7/24/2006

Rutgers English Lit Prof Leads Double Life, Pens Erotica

Left: Penis mightier than the sword?

By Billy Pilgrim, National Nitwit Rogue Editor

(Camden, NJ)—Rutgers professor Howard Isaacs has enjoyed a modest career over the years as a short-story writer and novelist when he is not engaged in teaching and his many institutional obligations.

However, some of his colleagues and students have begun to question if Isaacs is now moonlighting in pornographic literature after the sales of his second novel began to slump last year.

“I asked him how his book was doing a few weeks ago, and he got really paranoid and changed the subject,” remarked Jan Hammer, associate professor of Medieval Literature. “Plus, he keeps getting mysterious packages in the [English department] mailroom from companies like CumBubble Industries, Ltd. and Balloon Knot Productions. Something is definitely amiss.”

Many students echo Hammer’s concern that Isaacs has become consumed by his lustful alter-ego.

“I’m taking an intro poetry class with him this summer, and his focus seems, well, unconventional at best,” revealed a student who chose to remain anonymous after a National Nitwit interview. “I’m pretty sure Shakespeare didn’t invent the 'Dirty Sanchez,' and I still don’t see Keats’ penchant for circle-jerks anywhere in his Odes.”

7/23/2006

Next "Cheaper by the Dozen" Film to be Shot in Lebanon

Left: "It's a Hezbollah Christmas!"

(Los Angeles, CA) Twentieth Century Fox has announced that the third installment of the popular "Cheaper by the Dozen" series will be set in Beirut, and will feature a guest appearance by Hezbollah leader Hassan Nasrallah.

Director Adam Shankman expressed "high excitement" about the chemistry between co-stars Steve Martin, Bonnie Hunt, and the radical Islamic political leader.

"There are hijinks aplenty when the Baker family tries to put up a Christmas tree, but Nasrallah orders a rocket attack on the Baker house because they are filthy infidels," chuckled Shankman. "Hoo-eee! Tom Baker sure gets feisty when his homestead is destroyed, and only four of his children survive the firestorm. Ha!"

Shankman said that the somber death scene will be "cathartic," and a bit of a departure from previous "Cheaper" films.

"Yeah, the part where Tom Baker is holding the severed left arm of 11-year-old Sarah [played by Alyson Stoner] is kind of dark," he admitted. "But when Steve Martin starts up with the physical comedy of tripping all over the dead bodies of his kids, our test audiences laughed themselves silly. You've just gotta see the wackiness!"

Left: "Cathartic" scene

Shankman said the film will be shot on location, and that "hundreds" of local residents will be used for the climatic battle between the Baker family and the forces of Hezbollah.

"We will be using live rounds, and it will probably be a one-take deal," he said. "While the weaponry is not cheap, we will be able to make up for the costs by paying these Lebanese fuckers like $2 a day. Hell, that's even cheaper than we pay those 'Bum Fight' participants. We may have to move our studios to Beirut after the shelling stops."

7/22/2006

Bush Forces Foot Massage on Chirac

fot massageLeft: Bush working on the feet of an unwilling G-8 leader

(Moscow) Fresh from the unusual back rub he gave to German chancellor Angela Merkel, US President George Bush next turned to French President Jacques Chirac to try furthering his "massage diplomacy."

As the G-8 leaders finished a photo session, Bush grabbed the feet of a seated Chirac and pulled the wingtips from the surprised French leader.

"Let me tell you - there's nothing I like more than getting my dogs worked on after a long day," chattered Bush. "There - don't that feel better, Jackie-poot?"

Despite Chirac's protests, Bush proceeded to remove the socks of the reluctant recipient of the reflexologic overtures.

"Phew - when's the last time you changed these?" he asked, holding up Chirac's argyles. "I've smelled rancid Cheetoes that didn't reek like this."

Bush and Chirac Left: Bush and Chirac moments before l'affaire du pied

Next working up the calves of the French President, Bush remarked about on Chirac's physique.

"Damn, Jacques - you still got some strong leg muscles here," he said, stroking the Frenchman's legs. "I bet you can still show a cowboy a good time, yes indeedy!"

White House press secretary Tony Snow downplayed the incident, citing "executive privilege" and "the need for a deepening of the relationship" between France and the US.

7/21/2006

Rice Calls for "Smithereens Diplomacy"

Left: Packing her bags and loading her cans of Whoop-ass

(Washington, DC) Secretary of State Condoleeza Rice, preparing to leave for the Mideast to participate in peace negatiations, outlined the administration's strategy for National Nitwit reporters.

"Simply put, the peace process cannot start until every last square inch of Lebanon has been blown to smithereens," she said, pounding a conference table for effect. "There is no sense in conducting peace talks as long as even one potential terrorist is still breathing."

Rice dismissed reports that the Bush administration has been slow to respond to the crisis.

"The President has been watching this since the first shot was fired," she said. "I have rarely seen him so animated as when, say, an Israeli artilery round blows up a bridge. I believe his exact words were something like: 'Hoo-eeee! Check that shit out!'"

Rice also defended what she termed "Israel's right to self-defense," even with the controversial practice of targeting civilian infrastructure.

"Listen - disrupting electicity and water supplies is the surest way to bring Hezbollah to its knees," she said. "Besides, don't those people over there have a lot of experience living in the desert heat? Seems to me a couple weeks roaming in the sand shouldn't be such a big deal for people who grew up in a tent, right?"

7/20/2006

Iraqi Militants "Pissed" at Being Overshadowed by Hezbollah

Left: No respect anymore

(Baghdad) The war between Israel and Hezbollah has claimed unintended victims, according to militants in Iraq.

"We can't even make the second page of the paper any more," lamented Mahmoud Saeed, who heads a group known as Iraqi Freedom Brigade. "We detonated a schoolbus full of Sunni children the other day, and all we got was a '30 Dead in Baghdad' blurb on Reuters."

Saeed said that the "news blockade" is hurting the group's ability to recruit new warriors and to attract financial backing.

"What good is it to cut off the head of a US soldier if no one is around to take your picture waving it and shouting 'Death to the Infidel?'" he asked. "The young men today want to be where the action is, and right now it's in southern Lebanon, I'm afraid."

Saeed added that Iraqi Freedom Brigade will be "redefining ourselves" in the coming weeks.

"We will be trying out red-colored smoke and adding more gunpowder to our IEDs in an effort to create more of a 'wow' factor," he said, loading an AK-47. "We believe that creating more of a media-friendly spectacle is our key to winning back the world press, Allah be praised."

7/19/2006

Writer for The Onion Unhappy With "Deadend Job"

Left: Going nowhere

(New York) While appreciating the opportunity to write satire, Bradley Pendleton said that writing for humor newspaper The Onion has been "less than an ideal experience."

"Oh sure, I get paid to write material that makes college freshman laugh their asses off," he admitted, looking over his resume. "But how is this helping me long-term? Is Hollywood calling? Is Jay Leno calling? Hell no."

One of Pendleton's biggest pet peeves is the lack of publication credits he can put on his CV.

"Most of the time they run my material without a byline," he groused. "And when I do get a byline, it's some goofy pen name like 'Hugh G. Rection.' How do you think 'Hugh G. Rection' looks to the folks over at The New Yorker? Pretty retarded, if you ask me."

Left: Greener pastures may be in store for Pendleton

The "final straw" came for Pendleton last week during a brainstorming session at the Onion's editiorial offices.

"I came up with this great concept of introducing a recurrent character - a meth addict - who supposedly works as a CIA operative in Kuala Lumpur, and whose cover occupation is being a pimp," he said, folding his hands. "Not ten minutes later my idea gets tanked in favor of a children's party clown who is a pedophile. Where is the justice?"

7/18/2006

Advice: Ask a Vietnam Vet

Advice and thoughts from certified Vietnam Vet and spiritual mentor Gary Jenkins.

Dear Vietnam Vet:
My husband has been away from home a lot, making excuses like "I had to work late at the office" or "I stopped off at a client's office to discuss the new proposal" or " I had car trouble." I am beginning to get suspicious. What should I do to save my marriage? Sharon in Poughkeepsie, NY

Dear Sharon:
Suspicious? No one could be more suspicious than we were that hot summer night flying over the Vietnamese jungle. We flew low in the Vietnam sky, as the radio played "Crimson and Clover" by Tommy James and the Shondells. Then a call we get: a soldier was hit and needed to be picked up. "This is Three-One we have it," the pilot said. "Red smoke pouring from the ground at two o'clock". Rotor blades whoop-whooped as the pilot banked right. That landing zone was hot, man, HOT! The gunners returned fire as metallic shards of death hit our Huey. "I'm fucking hit!" the pilot screamed as he tried to navigate the bird. A voice came over the radio: "Three-One you're on FIRE"! Our Huey explodes in a big fireball, and only two of us survived the crash. But you wouldn't understand, because YOU WEREN'T FUCKING THERE!


Dear Vietnam Vet:
My 16-year-old daughter announced that she is pregnant and moving in with her 22-year-old boyfriend. We are afraid that if we put our foot down and make her finish high school that we may lose her forever. Help! Bill and Kathy in Westland, MI

Dear Bill and Kathy:
Lost forever? I've lost people forever. Lots of them. It was humid and hot as only Vietnam's Mekong Delta can be, even though the sun went down over an hour ago. We were just working out of translational lift - the point at which the helicopter stops flying and starts hovering - when an RPG slammed into our Huey. Hard. It hit the fuel tank just aft of Billy Brady's gun well. I think he died instantly. PFC Cooper, on the right door gun, was blown straight out of the ship. Thompson - oh God, Thompson - lay there in a pool of blood, legs severed at the knees. "My feet itch," he cried. HIS GODAMNED FEET ITCHED, DID YOU HEAR ME? HOW CAN FEET ITCH IF THEY HAVE BEEN FUCKING BLOWN OFF???


Dear Vietnam Vet:
My wife has been drinking a lot more than I think is healthy lately. Sometimes she packs away 6 or 7 Long Island iced teas before calling it a night. I have talked to her about seeking help, but she won't listen. Do you think I should force her to go to AA? Neal in Sacramento, CA

Dear Neal:
We drank a lot in Vietnam. I stayed shitfaced drunk or floating in an opium haze for three whole years. That's three years of being blasted out of my skull, mind you, not just a little buzzed. Being sober would mean having to deal with reality. Reality was looking down at your best friend’s face splattered all over your uniform, or carrying an 8-month-old baby’s barbecued corpse to a medivac, or throwing a friend’s boots – with his feet still attached – into a Huey, or going out with ten guys you loved and coming back with only three – and everyone still teenagers who should be back home with the college boys getting laid and sitting on the beach. THAT'S WHY WE DRANK, MAN! TO TURN OFF REALITY, A REALITY THAT NEVER....LET...UP!!!

7/17/2006

Allman Brothers Sell Souls to Devil, Do Menopause Commercial

By Billy Pilgrim, National Nitwit Rogue Editor

The Allmans in their younger, God-fearing days

(Savannah, GA)—The Allman Brothers Band, once regarded as the premiere fusion of jam-rock and Southern sensibilities, bartered their souls to Satan earlier this week when they allowed their timeless classic “Blue Sky” to be used in a menopause commercial.

The promotional clip for KnowMenopause.com is now featured on both network and cable channels, and includes billowy, dramatic clips of mature women enjoying their aged status by gardening, cycling, and gently swaying on porch swings.

“This band still has integrity,” remarked lead singer Gregg Allman as he fingered a wad of $100 bills. “But so many of our contemporaries have lent their songs to corporate America, we figured it was high time we joined the bandwagon. And an eternity in fire is a small price to pay for my new vacation home in the Alps.”

Shockingly, many die-hard fans have supported the decision, which has led to a growing debate in the classic-rock community.

“Hey man, they gots to get paid,” remarked Butch Tyrol, a self-described Allman Brothers expert and ‘hippie burnout’ who now resides in San Francisco. “Those guys only make $15 million per tour, and that doesn’t go very far when you have, like, fourteen illegitimate kids scattered across the country.”

Left: Duane "not happy at all" with decision to sell out

Late guitarist Duane Allman, contacted in Heaven by National Nitwit reporters, expressed "dismay" that his bandmates would succumb to the temptation of "flithy lucre."

"You can tell that man-whore Gregg that - brother or not - he's lucky we're winding up in different places in the afterlife," he said, pausing to glide through an angelic slide solo. "Plus, any band that would fire Dickey Betts has some serious issues, too. In a way, you could almost see this coming."

7/16/2006

Housewife Touts Comet Cleanser as Tooth Whitener

Left: Pettiford models her "new and improved" teeth

(Jackson, MS) Becky Pettiford knows a thing or two about saving a buck.

"That's what everybody says - 'Becky could squeeze a dollar out of a quarter,'" she chuckled. "So I said to myself: 'Becky - why spend $30 a month on fancy tooth whitening systems when good old Comet Cleaner can do the trick for a couple of pennies a day?'"

Manufacturer Prestige Brands promotes the cleaner as a product "for all those tough cleaning problems around the house such as kitchen surfaces, tubs, basins, and toilet bowls." Pettiford believes that, by extension, this would include human teeth.

"Oh Lordy - they don't have enough room on the can for everything this stuff cleans!" she exclaimed. "And it works wonders on athlete's foot and jock itch."

comet cleanserLeft: Not just for porcelain any more

Members of Pettiford's household, however, did not share the homemaker's glee for Comet.

"If that wack-ass bitch comes near me again with a can of that shit, I'll stab her in the eye with a red-hot marshmallow skewer," grumbled 16-year-old son Jared. "She might like douching with the green powder, but I am done with her home remedies."

7/15/2006

Psychiatrist Pushes for Inclusion of 'Rhoid Rage' in Manual

Left: Maxwell checks a patient's chart for signs of violence and agression

(New York) Dr. Carolyn Maxwell has worked with many psychotic patients in her 25-year career as a clinical psychiatrist, but she says that few match the "unbridled fury" of hemorrhoid sufferers.

Dr. Maxwell has thus begun to petition the American Psychiatric Association (APA) to include "rhoid rage" as an official psychosis in the next edition of the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM).

"Let's face it - the relentless burning, itching, and pain associated with hemorrhoids is enough to make a Buddhist monk climb a clock tower and shoot everyone in sight," she said, unconsciously adjusting her rear end on her seat. "It is an absolute travesty that the psychiatric profession is so reluctant to admit that extreme rectal swelling and inflammation can drive a person to madness."

Maxwell postulated that rhoid rage has been the cause of "untold psychotic episodes" over the course of human existence.

"We know for a fact that Sirhan Sirhan, John Wilkes Booth, and Jeffrey Dahmer were all hemorrhoid sufferers," she said, scratching her buttocks. "We suspect that the Columbine killers, with their homoerotic tendencies, also experienced hemorrhoidal flareups just prior to their violent acts at their high school. Rhoid rage is real, folks."

Left: "ARRRRGGGHHHHH!!!!"

Maxwell said that she hopes to "save a few lives" by waking up the mental health profession to the syndrome, which she proposes to call "Hemorrhoidal-Aggressive Mania," or HAM.

"Right now, as we speak, there are hemorrhoid patients about to lose their grip on reality," she said, clenching her fists. "With medication and intervention, there's no need for another hemorrhoidal homicide to ever occur again."

7/14/2006

E-Zine Obtains Last Photo of Princess Di

Left: "Like a candle in the wind..."

(New York) E-zine National Nitwit has sparked outrage by publishing the "final image" of Diana, Princess of Wales, taken moments after the car crash that killed her.

Editor Subcomandante Bob defended the Nitwit's publication of the photo.

"Listen - people want to know, brother," he said over the deafening roar of his muffler-less 1976 Eldorado. "Plus, I shelled out $200 bucks from a guy who got it from this dude who SWEARS it's legit."

The Subcomandante, whose last name is an unpronounceable sound, said that the decision to run the gruesome photo was "an easy call."

"I'm pretty much a soulless whore," he admitted, grinding out a Marlboro under his shoe. "The site traffic we'll get from this sleazy piece of decadence will likely bring me enough ad revenue for a case of cheap vodka."

The photo, which bears little resemblance to the vivacious Ladi Di, brought condemnation from Britain's princes William and Harry.

"That picture is like, completely gross," they said in a joint written statement. "We appeal to all forms of media throughout the world to appreciate fully that publishing such material causes great hurt to us, our father, our mother's family and all those idiotic, monarchistic sycophants who so loved and respected Princess Di."

7/13/2006

Plame Mulling Loss of Consortium in Lawsuit

(Washington, DC) The CIA officer whose identity was leaked to reporters today sued Vice President Dick Cheney, his former top aide and presidential adviser Karl Rove, accusing them and other White House officials of conspiring to destroy her career.

Valerie Plame, however, remains "on the fence" about her lawyer's advice to sue for loss of consortium.

"Well, face it - Joe's almost 60, and has been futilely popping the Levitra for a few years now," she admitted. "It's not like he's Mr. Porn Star any more, if you know what I mean."

The lawsuit accuses Cheney, Libby, Rove and 10 unnamed administration officials of putting the Wilsons and their children at risk by exposing Plame.

"Yeah, exposure," she murmurred. "Not much exposure going on between me and Joe, really, either. While I really have no qualms about suing these bastards, I feel weird about trying to collect on a sex life that's been long since dead."

Plame discussed with National Nitwit reporters how her life has changed since the Wilsons entered a period of "involuntary celibacy."

"At first I did a lot of crosswords, and then I switched to Sudoku," she said. "But really, you pretty much just die inside. You just die."

7/12/2006

Disney to Purchase, Redesign Auschwitz as Family Theme Park

Left: Pluto, Mickey, and pals soon to bring laughter and frivolity to Auschwitz

(Lake Buena Vista, FL) The Walt Disney Company announced plans today to acquire the former Nazi concentration/extermination camp Auschwitz-Birkenau.

Disney Group Chairman George Mitchell said the company had been in discussions with UN officials for "a long period of time" to build the new Disneyland-Auschwitz theme park.

"There was some initial resistance, but they began to see that we have some great ideas for Disneyland-Auschwitz," he said, donning a pair of Mickey Mouse ears laced with barbed wire. "We hope to show the happier side of life inside the walls and furnaces of Auschwitz."

The Auschwitz complex was a major component of the Holocaust, and approximately 1.1 million people - 90 percent of whom were Jews -were murdered there.

Mitchell said that a number of new animated characters are being developed for the park.

"One of my favorites is Sammy the Snake, who wears SS insignia and says some of the darndest things," laughed Mitchell. "You just never know what that crazy little serpent will do next."

Left: "S-s-s-s-s-say, have you s-s-s-s-seen the Cyklon-B?"

Mitchell said that Disney believes that Auschwitz represents "untapped entertainment value" with its existing tourist traffic, which has been estimated at over 25 million people in the last half-century.

"Look, Auschwitz is a natural fit for our company. After remodeling the dreary place and adding some rides, all we have left to do is sell these visitors some hot dogs, T-shirts, and elephant ears," he said, adding that visitors will receive yellow badges and a complimentary de-lousing upon entry to the park. "We believe that Disneyland-Auschwitz will set the new standard for exploiting the planet's historical past while providing a wholesome family experience."

Israel SMASH Terrorists - Big SMASH

Guest editorial by Willy the Goon

After terrorists take soldiers, Israel SMASH terorists. Really hard.

Willy like things go SMASH. Willy also like things go BOOM.

Israel SMASH many things in Lebanon, and many things go BOOM.

Willy like very much.

Willy like to SMASH terorists, too. Willy try join army, but they not let Willy SMASH and BOOM.

Willy watch SMASH on TV instead. WIlly like TV very much, except when group home supervisor say NO MORE SMASH.

Willy like to SMASH group home supervisor.

7/11/2006

Boston Homeless Guy Warned City About Big Dig

Left: Patterson in a lucid moment

(Boston, MA) Local drifter Raymond "Mookie" Patterson, speaking with National Nitwit reporters about the Boston I-90 tunnel tragedy, said that he informed transportation officals "many times" about safety flaws in the structure.

"I was all like, 'the structural integrity of dis bitch is suspect,' but did they listen? Hell no," said Mookie, shaking his head. "I talk with them fellows most every day about problems, but they always like: 'Mookie, go on home.' Now who's sorry?"

Mookie said that his initial analysis of the ceiling collapse indicates that contractors may have taken shortcuts during construction of the "Big Dig" project.

"They always cutting corners on a job like this, but charging double to the gub-mint," he said, pointing at state safety inspectors. "And could they spare a lousy nickel for a Vietnam vet like me? No sir! I goes over to save the Vietnamese from communism and shit, and those bastards have no gratitude. One of 'em threw a piece of moldy bread at me in 1998, yes sir. 'Get a job, wino' is what he tells me. A Vietnam vet. Um-um-um."

Mookie added that his knowledge of "insider operations and shit" likely does not bode well for his safety.

"You hear me? They want me dead, pal - D-E-A-D!" he yelled, shaking his fist at unseen adversaries. "And with what I know about Iran-Contra, it's a wonder I ain't already washed up on a beach someplace. Um-um-um. Guy like me's gotta play it cool, understand?"

7/10/2006

Computer Clerk is Font of Misinformation

computer clerk at Circuit City By Billy Pilgrim, National Nitwit Rogue Editor

Sanchez enjoys ringing up another deceptive sale

(Toledo, OH)—Jamie Sanchez has been the top sales associate at the Circuit City on Monroe Street for three months now, and with good reason: he habitually lies about every product in the store.

Like many in the world of retail, Sanchez lucked into his entry-level sales position because of his connections—his cousin Roger is assistant manager—and therefore has an attitude of blissful indifference to what he views as disposable employment.

“I didn’t even have to interview for this gig, if you can believe it,” Sanchez remarked while munching Doritos during his 30-minute smoke break. “It’s kinda hard to take this shit seriously when they throw you a red shirt before you complete the tax forms.”

Prompted about his recent boost in performance, Sanchez attributed his refined salesmanship to his utter lack of training.

“Man, I don’t know shit about computers,” he revealed. “But if you’re looking at a Compaq, well, hell, 'it’s the best model in the store.' Or this one: 'Don’t know anything about Laserjets, m’am? This one here is the most efficient on the market.' You’d be amazed at how people gobble this shit up like candy.”

Despite the occasional returned product, Sanchez has had little to thwart his newfound success.

“If I can keep this up for a few more weeks, I’m looking at a promotion,” he reflected. “Roger says the car audio department pays more, which would be perfect since I’m deaf in my left ear.”

7/09/2006

6 Months in the Wild “Just Too Much” for Would-Be Mountain Man

Spencer (Butte, MT) Self-styled outdoorsman Spencer “Bunny” Cook, back from a six-month wilderness exile, described the back-to-basics life as “highly overrated.”

“Anyone who tries to sell the idea of the wild as a pristine paradise is, frankly, full of shit,” he said, wolfing down his third bowl of veggie stir fry in as many minutes. “I think those return-to-nature authors write that stuff from their Manhattan lofts and never even set foot in the real woods.”

Cook admitted that he feared for his life quite a few times in the remote section of the Rockies he called home.

“Oh yeah – there’s animals out here that can kill you, and that wouldn’t think twice about attacking you and stripping you of every edible strip of flesh,” he said, crossing his legs. “At least back in the city the gay bashers just kick your ass. Running into a pack of wolves definitely means a closed casket.”

Cook, who left for the woods with “a backpack, a tent, a sleeping bag, and zero common sense,” had advice for would-be mountain people.

“First off – don’t. There’s a reason they call it ‘the wild,’ sister, and you will start to hate the woods about nineteen minutes into your ill-planned adventure,” he said, scratching his arm. “But if you must go, stock up on calamine lotion and anti-diarrheal medicine. I don’t want to dwell too much on this, but there’s nothing worse than simultaneous cases of poison ivy and the runs.”

mountain man takes a bubble bathLeft: Finally - a bubble bath for Bunny

Cook said that he holed up in a mountain cabin for about half of the expedition.

"I've always believed it's important to sprinkle dusting powder on your sheets to make them fragrant and silky, and that scented sachets of lavender and rosemary also add to the air of romance in a room, " he admitted. "But in that nasty hole all I had to work with were mouse droppings and cobwebs. I could have just died."

7/08/2006

Hell to Initiate “Buy Local” Campaign

(Hades) Sagging retail sales in Hell have forced the Prince of Darkness to create a marketing campaign to convince the denizens of the underworld to keep the local economy top of mind in their purchases.

“Quite frankly, merchants in Hell have a tough time making any money,” admitted Satan as he pored over quarterly economic reports. “That whole ‘can’t take it with you’ clause has put quite a dent in disposable income among the damned.”

The tough economic conditions in Hell have fostered the rise of a booming black market for illicit commodities.

“For obvious reasons we frown on water and Gatorade, but the demand for these items is incredible down here,” Satan acknowledged. “If the stuff is making it in, though, I may as well profit from legal sales and keep the money here.”

Satan added that competition from chain stores, many of whom have corporate headquarters with a Hell adress, is also hurting underworld merchants.

"When you go shopping at a Sears or Borders or any other national chain store, much of that dollar you spend leaves Hell's economy," he argued. "It doesn't help to support businesses and job opportunities in Hell, and quite frankly the multinationals ship much of their money right out of Hell as soon as they ring the registers. Except for WalMart, though. I own that company lock, stock, and barrel."

7/07/2006

Opinion: The Tooth Fairy is a Bitch

By Max Dugan, Guest Contributor

(Toledo, OH)—At eight years old, life is pretty sweet: I can run through the sprinkler naked, play video games all summer, and crash with any one of my three Spiderman blankets.

That all changed last night when I lost my first tooth, and learned that the Tooth Fairy is a straight-up bitch.

I don’t even know where to start. I mean, I went to bed a full half hour early—at 7:00, if you can believe that—nestled with dreams of PlayStation II games and pellet guns.

I awoke to the biggest travesty in human history: there was a quarter under my pillow.

I’m sorry, perhaps you didn’t hear me. THERE WAS A QUARTER UNDER MY GODDAMN PILLOW. In case you were unaware, or just awoke from frozen carbonite, a ‘quarter’ is an outdated mode of American currency that was quite popular in the 1940s for purchasing bubble gum, condoms, and peep shows. The last time it was competent in a financial transaction was in 1987, when my Aunt Vicky needed to call a tow truck after her Buick LeSabre broke down on the Jersey Turnpike. Mom said she was coming home from one of her rich boyfriend's houses, and that I should never again call Aunt Vicky "Mom," because that filthy whore couldn't mother a kitten, let alone a hyperactive little boy.

But I digress.

The Tooth Fairy stiffed me. I don’t know if Toledo is on the tail-end of her route, or if she was tit-deep in a bottle of Nyquil, but she stiffed me.

Gone are the days of wiggling my bottom incisor, eagerly anticipating a huge cash payoff. Gone is my youthful optimism, bragging to Tommy Wilson during recess that I would make enough money to buy us each a Pizza Hut.

The Tooth Fairy is a bitch, and my suffering is inconsolable.

7/06/2006

Bank of America Launches New Terror Rewards Card

terror rewards card Left: Sample of new Terror Rewards Card

(New York) Bank of America has launched the Bank of America Terror Rewards Card -- the first credit card to be accepted for usage by members of global terror networks. For the first time, Bank of America terrorist customers will benefit from the benefits and privileges of acceptance, as well as Bank of America's robust rewards program and outstanding service record.

"We are delighted to link up with al-Qaeda, Hezbollah, and other terror partners around the globe," said Bank of America Card Services President Bruce L. Hammonds. "Bank of America is now offering its high-spending militant customers greater choice through an exceptional new family of financial products."

Cardholders earn two points for each dollar spent on terror-related purchases, such as C-4, RPGs, and bazookas, while earning one point for other purchases.

For every US dollar spent using the card, militants earn one Skywards Mile which they can exchange for free flights, flight upgrades, or travel privileges with Skywards.

Islamic Army spokesman Abdurahman Sali hailed the BOA move as "progressive."

"For many, many years we have watched our purchases blow our enemies into tiny bits, while not benefitting from a loyalty-based rewards program," said Sali, polishing an AK-47. "Now we can carry out worldwide jihad and simultaneously create added value for our organizations. May Allah and Bank of America be praised."

7/05/2006

Ken Lay Dies Amidst Cavalcade of Hookers and Blow

By Billy Pilgrim, National Nitwit Rogue Editor

(Aspen, CO)—Kenneth Lay, founder and former chairman of the scandal-ridden Enron Corporation, died of a heart attack early this morning while awaiting sentencing on ten counts of bank fraud and conspiracy. He was 64.

Not surprisingly, Lay’s heart failure was hastened by a never-ending cavalcade of prostitutes, cocaine, and whipped cream while he was free on a $5 million bond, which reached a pitched fervor during a Fourth of July celebration.

“Mr. Lay was a sick ol’ freak,” remarked Tamara Johnson, a housekeeper at Lay’s sprawling compound in Aspen. “He had all kinds of girls and drugs come through here. But in my line of work, you don’t ask questions—you just go about your business and clean up the vomit.”

Left: Some of Mr. Lay’s female companions of negotiable virtue

And while Mr. Lay’s vast financial empire has been under intense scrutiny in recent years, he has nonetheless been able to maintain a lavish lifestyle.

“Ken knew how to party, straight up,” revealed Candy Lewis, a frequent guest and sexual liaison of Mr. Lay’s. “I like to think he died on his terms — surrounded by beautiful women and with enough cocaine in his body to kill a small horse.”

7/04/2006

Israel Offers Three First-Round Picks, Player TBA for Shalit

Left: Israel's IDF really wants this 6'4" point guard

(Tel Aviv) Israeli prime minister Ehud Olmert today ignored a deadline to begin releasing Palestinian prisoners, and instead offered a package of draft picks and a player to be named later for Gilad Shalit.

"We felt like speed is the way the game is going right now," said Olmert. "You see all those different teams playing multiple point guards at one time. I don't think you can have too many."

Shalit said that he believed he was a better fit with the IDF than with Hamas-affiliated militants.

"My style of play is up-tempo," said the 19-year-old, who was drafted out of Mitzpe Hila in the Western Galilee with the No. 13 pick of the 2004 draft. "We've got some good players over that I can help make a little better and get open shots for the rest of the guys."

Commander of the Israeli Southern Command, Aluf Yoav Galant, confirmed that Shalit remains in Gaza at the moment.

"Shalit has great speed and great decision making, and I think we need to have more of that," he said. "First of all the rebounding, the defense, the shot. You add those two assets together, and I think Shalit's a pretty darn good fit."

7/03/2006

Lieberman to Run as Whining, Spineless Independent This Fall

Joe LiebermanLeft: Joe "Sockpuppet" Lieberman

(Hartford, CT) Sources in the Democratic party say that Senator Joe Lieberman will collect signatures to run as an pissy, wishy-washy independent if he loses next month's Democratic primary election.

This is in sharp contrast with his long career as a whining, spineless Democrat, according to party sources.

Lieberman has scheduled a 1 pm news conference at the Connecticut State Capitol to announce his plans.

"It is in regard to his decision about the general election," said Lieberman campaign spokeswoman Marion Steinfels. "He told folks when he made his decision, he wanted to let people know in as whiny and annoying way as he possibly could."

Lieberman faces a stronger-than-expected Democratic primary challenge and sagging poll numbers because of his support of the Iraq war. He told National Nitwit reporters that he was "confused" by the apparent ire of voters in Connecticut.

"I just don't understand why a couple of thousand dead US soldiers and, oh, a hundred thousand dead Iraqis would get people in Connecticut upset," he whined. "After all, that's like 8,000 miles away, and most of the dead soldiers are from places like Alabama and North Dakota, anyways. What's wrong with you people?"

Lieberman said that he didn't see any problem with "being the Administration's token Democratic lapdog" with his support of the war.

"Face it - every President needs weaselly sycophants from the other party to carry his water, and I'm happy to be this President's bitch," fussed the senator, double-checking the hem on his tailored slacks. "Someone's got to, right? Plus, we Yalies have to hang together."

7/02/2006

Wife of Enzyte's "Bob" Now Has to Fake Eight Orgasms a Week

Enzyte wife
(Los Angeles, CA) Enzyte, the "natural" male enhancement pill being pitched on television, has at least one naysayer.

"Mary," the wife of Smiling Bob Enzyte, told National Nitwit reporters that her life has been "a living hell" since Bob started taking the supplement.

"He has that stupid grin on his face all day, and thinks he's a porn star now," she said, lighting a cigarette. "It was bad enough faking one orgasm a month, but now I'm faking them eight times a week."

"Mary" (not her real name) said that Bob's "idiotic smile" has caused the couple considerable grief.

Smiling Bob Enzyte Left: Smiling Bob


"We were at my mother's funeral last month, and he couldn't get that smirk off his face," she said. "Not to mention the perpetual woody in front of the casket. The man has lost his fucking mind."

Mary said that she is considering legal action against Enzyte for the changes in her husband.

"Sure, he was kind of a doofus before, but at least he was normal," she said. "Now I have to keep a bib on him to soak up the drool, and the kids won't even go near the blithering moron. Thanks a whole bunch, Enzyte."

7/01/2006

Opinion: Cheerleaders Make Lousy Car Washers

old man Guest editorial by William Paxson

You see them at every Seven-11 and Stop-n-Rob on the summer weekends, those chipper little tarts in their short shorts with their perky, almost-popping out breasts, beckoning you to wash your car to raise money for their cheerleading team.

I fall for that pitch every time, and I just have to say that cheerleaders are terrible at cleaning automobiles.

This last "Rah-Rah-Siss-Boom-Bah!" Central High car wash was the worst. I even stayed in my car so they would know I was keeping an eye on them as they soaped up my sleek new Cadillac, bra-less and carefree as they splashed in the sun and missed those spots of road tar on my door.

cheerleaders at a car washLeft: A little more elbow grease, please

I tell them every time to bend down and look at the spots that they missed, just look at them!

Yet they still miss dirt that is plain as day. I don't like dirt on my machine, you know. Gotta have my ride gleaming in the sun, like a rocket poised to blast off into the stratosphere.

And I hear them out there laughing at me, an old man driving an old man's car. Let me tell you - I could show them a thing or two in the boudoir , yes sir. I was quite the tomcat in my day, and I can still show a lady a good time, if you know what I mean.

Not that they would care. They can't even clean the bird crap off the middle of the windshield as their knockers press down against the glass, soft wet flesh pushing upwards out of their tube tops as their tight shorts get squirted by another girl grabbing the rinse hose, water dripping all over the ground.

Cheerleaders are just terrible at washing cars. I hope that the coaches of next year's team will spend a few minutes teaching some basic cleaning techniques, or I will take my business to those little vixens at Eastern High School.

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