Chicago resident Jon Lerner, 25, was ordered by federal Judge Andrew R. Wayne to pay $1.4 million in restitution for losses incurred by City Bank of Chicago, and was sentenced to six months in prison.
"Sorry, but I have to do this: 'I'm thinking of a number... ' and the number is 6, as in six months in Joliet," Wayne chuckled as he sentenced Lerner. "And that whole FreeCreditReport.com crap? That's gotta go, too, if for no other reason than I never want to see your smarmy face on my television set again."
Lerner pleaded guilty to a single count of wire fraud. He admitted that he engaged in a check-kiting scheme with multiple checking accounts simply to get cash.
"The FreeCreditReport.com ad was a nice gig, but it was basically a one-off," he told the courtroom. "And once you get in the hole with gambling, it's almost impossible to get out. The casinos cleaned me out, and totally screwed up my already-lousy credit rating. Ever try to get a loan with a credit score of 477? I think not, amigo."
(Vatican City) The Vatican is close to making the late thoroughbred Barbaro a saint after investigating three "miracles" attributed to the Kentucky Derby-winning stallion. If canonized Barbaro will become the first horse so rewarded since Triple Crown winner St. War Admiral in 1937.
The horse had already been credited with curing a nun of Parkinson's disease and now he has been credited with two other cures, the proof of which will confer on him beatification and then canonization.
"I am happy because the cause [for beatification] is proceeding well, especially with all the wailing, gnashing of teeth, and rending of garments by Barbaro's fans today," said Krakow Cardinal Stanislaw Dziwisz, who won $500 on Barbaro in the Kentucky Derby. "The Holy Father Benedict XVI is looking after it. He's always had a thing for the ponies."
Pope Benedict XVI has put Barbaro on a fast-track to canonization, waiving an existing rule whereby the Vatican normally waits five years after a candidate's death before beginning the process. A similar waiver led to the rapid elevation of Mother Teresa's status in 2003.
"In Krakow the procedures were wrapped up quickly because there were fewer witnesses. There are more in Rome, with 27 different people claiming Barbaro produced these miracles," the cardinal said. "But it seems that this questioning process is nearing completion in Rome as well, which is good, because I'm pretty tired of talking to a bunch of equine-obsessed nutjobs."
The unnamed French nun was suffering from the advanced stages of Parkinson's disease when members of her convent prayed to the spirit of Barbaro to ask God for her full recovery in May 2006.
Several hours after the prayers began, the nun said that she could hold a pen without difficulty, and within two weeks she arose from her bed, reporting "no more pain, no rigidity" and "a tremendous craving for carrot sticks."
Candidates being considered for sainthood must not only have led a virtuous life but also have to have been responsible for a medically inexplicable cure after their death by responding to prayers from the afterlife.
"Barbaro truly led a life in the image of Christ, with the exception that he got horny as hell when there was a sexually mature female horse nearby," said the cardinal. "But hell, I'll bet even Jesus himself got the occasional woody. As far as I'm concerned, Barabro is all but in as a saint."
Despite recent setbacks, including the day you ripped into them for their loud car stereos in your driveway, a pair of local teens is "totally determined" to score with your teenage daughter.
"No doubt - she got it workin', and I aims to gets me some," said Tre Lowden, who lives in a part of town you've always told the kids to stay away from. "She, like, isn't a wannabe model, but she knows what a man needs, fo sho."
Tyler Oglivie, a member of Lowden's posse, described his "ultimate fantasy" involving your daughter.
"We did it in the kitchen, we did it in the hall," he rapped. "I got some on my fingers so I wiped it on the wall."
Lowden said that there is little you can do to combat the "madd threat."
"The only question is if me or Ty-Dogg is gonna be first," he chuckled. "Or if it will be a three-way with both of us going at it wit her. Either way, dis finese mama be ours, y'all."
(Columbus, OH) Researchers at the Ohio State University today announced the discovery of a sterol they have named "molesterol," believed to play a crucial role in the formation of sexual feelings for children among adults susceptible to the chemical.
"Molesterol is present in higher concentrations in tissues which either produce more or have more densely-packed membranes, such as the testes and the penis," said Dr. Sticcam Harter, a university biochemist. "And we believe there is a connection between high molesterol levels and watching Hillary Duff and Taylor Swift music videos."
OSU chemists discussing optimal methods of pedophile treatment
Harter said that researchers hope to develop a chemical treatment for pedophiles.
"Two chemicals stand out as likely prospects," he said. "We lean toward arsenic and curare as chemical treatments that offer a pharmaceutical beatdown on these sick fucks. As far as curing them, nah; it's a hell of a lot more rewarding just killing the damned pedophiles."
Labels: Molesterol. Ohio State
Cougar: A stern and threatening voice from the desert
(Amarillo, TX) Lance Corporal James Cougar knew when he received his deployment orders to Iraq just days after Christmas that the physical and emotional distance of war would put an immense strain on his family.
Cougar was especially worried about his 4-year-old son Zeke—who has already started to display behavioral problems—until he was struck by ingenious plan: each week he could upload a stern, judgmental podcast to keep his son “from being a goddamn brat” and therefore continue to share parental responsibilities with his wife Linda.
“At first I didn’t know what to do when I was re-upped, especially since Zeke’s behavior was total shit around the holidays,” Cougar reflected. “And then one day, outa nowhere, I got the idea to upload these like…like, discipline podcasts. Now my boy can still hear me scold him every night before bed.”
Linda Cougar echoed her husband’s sentiments, revealing that it has restored order and balance to their otherwise turbulent daily rituals.
Zeke Cougar: Slowly getting his shit together
“Zeke was a nightmare after Coug left, and it was a struggle, day-in and day-out, to simply get him to and from pre-school, let alone finish his dinner and brush his teeth before story-time,” Ms. Cooper stated. “This week we’re on our third podcast, though, and I can already see a huge improvement. When Zeke hears his father’s voice saying, ‘I’m really pissed at you, act like a big boy,’ it changes his whole demeanor. Thank God for technology.”
The lifelong football fanatic, however, faces a weekend devoid of pro football.
"I mean, I knew we were getting close to the Super Bowl, but the AFC and NFC championships came and went so fast," complained Carmichael, tossing a football up in the air. "This is one of the worst weeks of my life."
Carmichael said that watching reruns on ESPN2 and the NFL Network "just won't cut it."
"Look - we all know Elway's going to march the Broncos the 98 yards in the last five minutes on The Drive," he said, shaking his head. "Watching NFL reruns is like masturbating in your room when there's this really hot chick next door, and all you have to do is get up the nerve to ask her out. Well, almost - since you can still eat pizza while watching NFL reruns, and that's hard to do if you're masturbating."
DAMMIT! Start playing, already
Even though the Super Bowl is the real end of the NFL season, Carmichael said that he's already going through withdrawal.
"The Super Bowl is like hitting a joint two weeks after you quit smoking pot," he wistfully opined. "It's a little taste before you have to quit for good because you're starting a new job next week that has mandatory drug testing, and if you lose this job you're pretty sure the old lady is leaving you for good this time, no bullshit, because she's talked about splitting before, but there's this weird look in her eyes lately, and she's been making a lot of late night fucking phone calls to some Atlanta number. That kind of taste."
One of many new road signs now in Baghdad
(Washington, D.C.)—In a speech marked by its somber tones, cautious diction, and complete absence of cowboy flair, President Bush made a startling proclamation last evening during his first State of the Union address before a Democratic Congress: Mr. Bush rechristened war-torn Iraq as “Funkytown,” and promised that an international coalition would make it a disco wonderland by 2009.
Bush outlined his new strategy with some of his most fanciful rhetoric to date.
“I am aware how the American people grow weary of violence by the day, knowing their sons and daughters sacrifice themselves for a foreign land whose ideals seem tangled with cowardice,” Bush remarked, with a small tap of his hands on the side of the podium. “That is why the last year of this administration will be tirelessly committed to the new Iraq—to Funkytown—and making it the grooviest place on earth.”
The President went on to catalog his proposed changes in rapid-fire fashion.
“Y’all sick of car bombings? Me too. They’re gone. Now, everyone’s whacked out on coke and Gloria Gaynor albums blare through city streets 10 hours a day,” Bush beamed. “It’s freakin’ great. Remember that big-ass statue of Saddam? Now it’s a bronze John Travolta. Cheney should have pictures of all this stuff for you guys by next week.”
Some of the recent changes to a Kirkuk mosque
Anticipating dissenters, Mr. Bush made one final appeal to the American citizenry before transitioning to another part of his speech.
“Some say that this war is unwinnable, that it has turned into a dream crusade, that it will only result in more bloodshed,” Mr. Bush intoned. “I cannot, I will not believe that. Mark my words: Freedom is a bathroom blowjob from a stoned chick in a sequined dress, and just like Disco Duck and the Hustle, it too will come to Iraq. Er, Funkytown—I meant Funkytown.”
"You know, I was sitting there filming the commercial, and '720' just kind of popped into my head," acknowledged Jon Lerner, the actor in the ads. "I didn't realize that anyone would actually check up on the number I quoted."
Lerner said that his association with a Chicago street gang provided the inspiration for the number he used.
"720 is used by the Black Gangsta Disciples (BGD) to represent having pure black and blue hearts - you know, two times 360 degrees," he said, adding that he was a member of the group from 2001-2004. "720 is what it means to be a full BGD. They da illest muthafuckas on ya block. Everything to the right. Most money is made from slangin boulders up the blocks of the midwest."
Straight up ballin', two times
Lerner said that a series of "most unfortunate circumstances" led to his low credit score.
"I got fired from this job for Saran-wrapping my 17-year-old manager's car," he said. "Then they repossessed my Cadillac and kicked me out my house. Next thing I'm living under the Clark Street Bridge. Couldn't buy a fucking break till this credit gig, but now everything's cool."
"Since having the kids I think I am way less selfish now, and have had a crash course on what really matters," he said, crossing his legs. "Things I used to think were important - like making money, or hiding from the cops - seem so trivial to me now. One of the most important things I've learned about being a mom is that what works for me may not work at all for you."
Devlin said that his stint raising the children of other people has "really helped" him discover his inner creative self.
"I paint, I sing, knit and crochet, sew doilies, doodle, cook, chalk, and make up all sorts of goofy things to do with the kids. Oh yeah, plus all that buggery - gotta love that," he said, scratching his elbow. "I have no reservations whatsoever towards dancing and singing to whatever's on the radio, and I especially like slipping on some fishnets and just going totally nuts, you know?"
Just a misunderstood mommy
Devlin said that modern mothers face difficult challenges meeting the unrealistic expectations of American society.
"I've always tried to be the perfect mother, though I must admit that sometimes I spoiled my boys," he said, wiping away a tear. "I spent the major part of my off-duty time with them. We always found time to do fun things together: we walked, did the shopping, and even took baths together. I just hope that some day Shawn and Ben will realize how much I sacrificed for them."
Gardner: Teeming with semen, national pride, and psilocybe
(Chicago, IL)—Barack Obama, the junior senator from Illinois who has generated a whirlwind of political enthusiasm since recently announcing his 2008 presidential bid, made another startling proclamation this morning: 28-year-old Amanda Gardner, a self-described “free-lovin’ pot-head,” will serve as his running mate even though the Democratic primaries are still a year away.
Gardner, a native of San Francisco, has scant political experience and several drug convictions, but Senator Obama expressed his tenacious commitment to her leadership abilities.
“When this intelligent and deeply empathetic woman was blowing me on my tour bus last week, it struck me that she is exactly what America needs,” Obama remarked during an early morning press conference in downtown Chicago. “Her legs, heart, and mind are open to bi-partisan solutions—and hey, her face doesn’t look like it’s been hit with an ugly stick like that dike Hilary.”
Obama has an image to protect
Obama continued to highlight Gardner’s “audacity to freewheel.”
“My entire career has been about hype over substance, so if there are any middle-class white folks still on the fence, this should get their fat asses to the polls,” Obama boasted. “I mean, have you seen this girl? She’s got the face of an angel and never wears a bra, unlike our current Vice-President. After staring at Dick Cheney’s corpulent St. Bernard jowls for eight years, this chick will feel like the Second Coming.”
(Toledo, OH) Kevin Orleans - overnight, fill-in, and weekend host for Toledo's WXKR-94.5 - has a new source of amusement to kill time on his $8 per hour job.
As he announces songs that have just been played, he finds opportunities to insert "half-truths and bald-faced lies" about the music.
"Last night, for example, I added that Elton John played piano on Led Zeppelin's 'Boogie with Stu,' and not a single listener called up to challenge me," he laughed. "So after the next set I said that Joe Walsh played lead guitar on the Bob Seger 'Live Bullet' album. Finally some wasted dipshit called in about 4:30 [am], and I told him he misheard me. Too funny."
Orleans said the only time his audience "showed any signs of brain function" was during a lie he told after an Eric Clapton song.
"I said that the song 'Tears in Heaven' was written by Clapton in memory John Lennon," he chuckled, noting that the song was actually written for Clapton's son Conor. "I got like ten calls in two minutes telling me the real story. I guess I underestimated this gang of drunks, insomniacs, and drooling feebs."
Whoops - Orleans got caught on this one
The mirthful radio host said that he has developed a "sure-fire formula" for his disinformation campaign.
"You have to stay away from making impossible claims about records released after 1995 or so, since newer music is likely to be completely dissected on the Web," he said, crushing a Camel Menthol Light as he queued the next three tracks. "But who the hell is going to know if Steve Marriott did or didn't play rythm guitar and sing background vocals for Bachman Turner Overdrive on their 1975 tour? Check and mate, sir."
(Perrysburg, OH) Loving Paws worker Sheila Marlowe admitted to Toledo Tales reporters that she was "happy as hell" that a 7-year-old poodle mix named "Pepper" had to be put to sleep last week.
"Oh yeah - that dog had the most annoying bark, and bit everyone foolish enough to put a hand near it," she said, recalling the former resident of the animal shelter. "After the third or fourth time it sunk its teeth into my arm, I was ready to beat it like a baby harp seal."
Peppers came to the shelter six weeks ago when a family claimed it was moving to an apartment that did not allow pets, said Marlowe.
"But the fact is that those people lied. Flat-out lied," she said, pausing as she groomed a new arrival. "This mongrel was the most unloveable beast I have ever seen, and it was clear that they dropped off the mutt because they absolutely hated it."
Left: Peppers never quite fit in at Loving Paws
Marlowe said that the decision by staffers to euthanize Peppers was "unanimous."
"Usually there's one or two soft-hearted types who want to give an animal another week," she said. "But we all but threw a party after the vote on this mangy cur. May you rot in hell, you worthless, yapping incubus."
Friends and acquaintances of the so-called "Eighth Rolling Stone" said that they were shocked at the vandalism, which read: "WANKER! NOT A ROLLING STONE."
"Trev got the shit end of the stick all his life, and now this," muttered Stones drummer Charlie Watts. "I can't imagine someone thinking this was funny. Trev was a gentle soul, a kind man who always tried to improve himself and those around him. Plus, he was never without a good source for dope. You need that in a friend, you know - you have to surround yourself with people who can score a half-ounce at a moment's notice, and Trevor Whittaker was that man."
A multi-instrumentalist, Whittaker sometimes filled in for Stones members on tour, and performed on a number of the band's recordings. Former bassist Bill Wyman said that Whittaker had other important duties.
"He never failed to help me find the youngest groupies," Wyman recalled. "There'd be some 15-year-old budgie swinging around, and he'd always send her to me, never bagging her for himself. Regular standup guy, that Trevor. Shame about his grave and all."
Whittaker: Disrepected even after death
Guitarist Keith Richards said that Whittaker went "above and beyond" the call of duty in his day-to-day dealings with the band, even for an unofficial Stone.
"One night the cops raided my flat, and they found a couple of grams of smack. I thought I was completely fucked," he admitted. "Trev steps up, tells the copper it was his, and took the rap for me. That's a true friend, although I felt bad about the whole prison bitch thing he had to go through. Some blokes just never seem to get a break. That was Trev."
(New York) Citing months of grueling training and a high-fiber breakfast as pivotal factors, Brooklyn resident Derrick Trombley ripped an epic rectal honk Wednesday morning.
Sources near the colonic calliope timed the event at 12.4 seconds, breaking Trombley's previous best by over a full second.
"I was just trying to equal my best butt blast from last year," he said. "I would have been happy with that even if I didn't break it. I had been practicing pretty intensely since September, so I was eager to see what I could do. I just tried to clear my mind and create a hefty, room-clearing dose of skunk bait."
The result speaks for itself, as Trombley's brown thunder sent dozens of people scattering for cover along Empire Boulevard.
"I heard it before the smell hit me," said Erica Tristan, of Ridgewood. "I just grabbed my kids and ran. Fast. Unfortunately, we caught a blast of the methane flak near the deli. It must have registered at least a 6.0 on the sphincter scale."
NYFD crew racing to the scene of the rectal tremor
Trombley said that he was worried the "canary-killing death ooze" might fizzle short of his record.
"Around the five-second mark I thought the exterior sphincter muscle was going to choke it off too soon," he recalled. "But I focused - really focused, man - and I made sure that every piece of shredded wheat counted. Best of all, it was one of those crop-dusting crowd splitters that will not soon be forgotten."
Specifically, the President has recurrent dreams of sipping cappucino with Sentaor Elizabeth Dole, while they both are dressed in long underwear.
"It sounds crazy, I know, but I've been having this dream every night for the last two years," he admitted. "I have no idea what it means, but I gotta admit Libby looks pretty hot in those skivvies."
Republicans see the dream as a metaphor of Bush putting a wide-angle lens on the nation’s problems, taking the focus away from Iraq. Democrats view the dream as a sign that there is tremendous pressure put on this administration to change direction.
Bush, though, said he's "pretty sure" the dream has nothing to do with politics.
"It's kind of sexual, except we never really get to the sex part," he acknowledged. "But we never talk policy or anything like that. In fact, we never really talk, either. She just looks one way with those still-perky tits of hers, and I stand there trying to think of something witty to say, unable to make anything happen. Then I wake up."
Nothing like real life
The President said that he is "disappointed" that he has been unable to understand the dream, or to dream of something else.
"I am frustrated with the progress," he said. "A year ago, I felt pretty good about the situation. I felt like I was achieving my objective, which was to have a dream that could govern, sustain, defend, and end itself. No question, 2006 was a lousy year for my dreams."
Attendees at the closed-casket service of the so-called "Eighth Rolling Stone" said that Jagger likely is still angered about a 1974 incident that caused Whittaker to sever all ties to the Stones.
"Trev had nailed this bird, see, that Mick was all about," said Keith Richards, cigarette dangling from his lower lip. "And as Mick was always big on being the 'first in,' well, he got a bit cheesed and took a swing at Trev. It was all rather stupid, really, but that was how we were back then."
A multi-instrumentalist, Whittaker occasionally filled in for Stones members on tour, and performed on a number of the band's recordings. Richards said that Whittaker's contributions have long been overlooked by the music industry.
"He was always in the background, never really comfortable in the spotlight, but he always seemed to be the bloke who could break a logjam," he said. "Take 'Get Off of My Cloud,' for example. We were playing it in the key of C, and having trouble getting it to work, when Trev walks by and says: 'Play it in fucking E. That's more in Mick's range.' So he grabs an Ovation and nails it. Dead to rights. That's what Trevor Whittaker meant to the Stones, and fuck Mick for not showing up today, the bloody div."
Jagger: "Unavailable" for funeral
A spokesperson for Jagger said that the singer was out of the country and did not hear of the funeral until it was too late. Richards took issue with the statement.
"We all knew Trev was in bad shape, he'd been in the hospital for two weeks. That was the height of disrepect," he said, of Jagger's absence. "Ever since 'Sir Mick' donned the fucking royal coronet and sported the old knight's ermine he's been more full of his own arse then ever before. I'm just glad everyone else showed up to see Trev off."
Sergeant Squirrel has a present for al-Qaeda
(Washington, D.C.)—Only days after announcing a massive surge in ground forces to quell the mounting civil war in Iraq, the Bush Administration has announced a new initiative to counter steadily decreasing support for the war here at home.
In a press conference early this morning, President Bush unveiled his ingenious “plan to reduce the human cost”: rather than recruiting recent high school graduates for the armed services, the military hopes to woo snakes, rodents, marsupials, and other “scary-looking” creatures to sustain the war on terror.
“I take full responsibility for the mistakes my administration has made in this noble campaign for Iraqi democracy,” Bush remarked to a roomful of media agents. “And Lord, there’s been a lot—the invasion, the car bombings, the shit-ass constitution—did you know it’s now legal to marry a fire hydrant? Anyway, the point is that these snakes, squirrels, and marmots are gonna change things for the better.”
Imagine the terror of finding a black scorpion in your keffiyeh
However, many animal rights activists feel that this move is nothing short of a calculated charade to sacrifice more innocent lives—human or otherwise—in an increasingly irresolvable conflict.
“Does not a king cobra feel? Does not a king cobra bleed?” remarked Mark Cohn, a D.C.-area spokesperson for PETA. “The president is in for a rude awakening when the first pictures come home of teenage mice and opossum busted open like cheep ravioli on the field of battle. This war will make petless widows of us all.”
(London) British musician and sometime member of the Rolling Stones Trevor Whittaker died today of pneumonia. The unofficial "Eighth Stone" was 64 years of age.
Whittaker was active in the London rhythm and blues music scene that spwaned the Stones and many other sixties rock acts. A multi-instrumentalist, Whittaker occasionally filled in for members on tour, and performed on a number of Stones recordings.
"He always chose the songs he wanted to play on," Keith Richards remembered. "He chose. And if he didn’t like a song, he would just up and walk away from it, saying 'I’m not playing this, it’s got Japanese chords and shit in it.' Trev was a regular stickler about these things."
Whittaker in an undated picture
Piano player Ian Stewart is often credited as being the "sixth Stone," while multi-instrumentalist Nicky Hopkins garnered the label "seventh Stone." Whittaker - less known than his unofficial compatriots - often "carried the water" for the Stones, said Richards.
"That guy," recalled Richards, “had the biggest damned heart that I’ve ever known. A guy that hangs around a band, does everything they ask, and then gets kicked out of it, and then says, 'I'll drive the bus' or 'I'll get the fucking coffee.' I don’t think it was ever obvious but he was the best of us all. He made the fucking band what it was and still is."
Tentatively called the "Maximo," the ultra-large truck features a V-12 7.05 liter (406 horsepower) engine, and the Leviathanic vehicle is so wide that it occupies most of two standard highway lanes.
“Maximo brings proven Ford engineering, quality and durability to an intensely competitive market,” said Carl Spaulding, Ford executive vice president. “The all-new Maximo is a historical launch for Ford , because we are significantly increasing our production potential and presence in the behemoth-size pickup truck category.”
In all, a total of 31 model configurations are available, with customers having the option of rear- or four-wheel drive. The 2008 Maximo has a maximum towing capacity of 20,800 pounds. Spaulding said that the truck will appeal to several target demographics.
"Let's face it - there's always one guy in a crowd who has to have the biggest, most expensive toy available," he said. "And then you have your - let's see, how should I put this - phallically-challenged bunch, who feel a need to overcompensate in other areas of their lives."
Ford is banking on the hope that the Maximo will attract supermodels like no other SUV
Equipped with a 66.4-gallon fuel tank, Maximo models equipped with the V-12 engine have an EPA fuel economy rating of 6 mpg city/7 mpg highway. The super-SUV has 44.8 inches of additional overall length, delivering 330.8 cubic feet of cargo space – including 114 cubic feet more behind the third-row seat than the already spacious Ford Expedition.
"No doubt about it - the Maximo is the biggest, baddest, nastiest super-SUV on the market," said Spaulding. "And at a suggested retail price of $94,000, we believe that the demand from hip-hop, rap, and pop stars should bring initial sales of 200,000 or more of these babies."
Hussein warns a group of hungry Sodomites to wait their turn
(Hell)—Saddam Hussein, now commonly regarded as one of the most vicious dictators of the later 20th century, has ignored the swirl of punditry that has commenced since his state-ordered execution on December 30th.
Instead, Hussein is taking profound delight in his new “righteous gig” as head waiter in the 7th circle of Hell, a place reserved for those who have committed violent atrocities against God and their fellow persons.
“Man, I fucking love it down here,” Hussein remarked in an exclusive interview with the National Nitwit. “There are rivers of blood, writhing suicide victims—I mean, our bouncer is a Minotaur. How cool is that?”
And while Hussein has minimal experience in the food service industry, he seems to be a natural in his afterlife profession.
“I was a shoe-in for this job,” Hussein bragged while cleaning a table splattered with maple syrup and mangled limbs. “I mean, my only competition was Sinatra, whose been stuck as dishwasher for a couple of years, but he simply doesn’t have the finesse. It’s one thing to rinse some spaghetti off a plate—it’s something else entirely to tell nine angry corpses that we have a forty-minute wait list.”
Hussein’s new digs at Chez Hades
When prompted about his reputation back on earth, Hussein seemed dismissive about how history will record his terrestrial existence.
“You know, I’ve tried to put all that Butcher-of-Baghdad stuff behind me,” Hussein reflected after delivering entrees to one of his tables. “I’m dating this gorgeous undead harpie, and I can make enough tips in one weekend to last me all month. Besides, you get used to the flames after a while. They really add to the ambiance of the place.”
"We had firefighters crawling on their bellies, dragging hoses underneath decks to save these homes you still see standing,” said a fire department spokesperson. "But there was no way we could have anticipated the terror unleashed when Suzanne Somers appeared without makeup. These people may never recover from the psychological shocks they endured seeing her au natural."
Witnesses said that the emergence of the unkempt Somers sent some people into momentary panic.
"It's so windy out there, it's kind of scary," said Hector Villegas, an employee at Westie's Beach Cafe on Malibu Road. "Thousands of people running from the horror of that...that...gruesome face, small children being crushed, dogs howling - it's total chaos, dude."
Source of the terror was an unused makeup kit like this, burned up in the fire
Los Angeles County Fire Chief Michael Freeman announced the figure the day after the wind-driven blaze destroyed five homes and damaged six others, but the human toll caused by the unmasked Somers may be "years in assessing."
"This is a terrible tragedy that can affect anyone, anywhere, and with tragic consequences," he said, looking at the screaming mobs. "My hope is that no one else has to go through this experience. I just wish we'd had the choice. Ugh."
(Decatur, IL) The Pasuellos enjoyed one of their "best Christmases ever," according to family matriarch Patty.
"We must have spent over $8,000 on presents this year," she sighed. "Everything was fine until these credit card bills started rolling in. Now I think we have a pretty good idea what those Nazi concentration camp victims felt."
Patty and her husband Guillermo have undertaken what they describe as "drastic austerity measures" to balance the family budget after the holiday spending spree.
"I'm cooking nothing but meatloaf, Tuna Helper, and spaghetti for the next two months," vowed Patty, clipping coupons on grocery staples. "The kids call this place 'Auschwitz,' and they're probably accurate, but what else can we do?"
Left: Spaghetti now the dinner ration for two, sometimes three nights a week at the Passuelo "camp"
Guillermo - who the children have taken to calling Kapo for his strict rules - also set the nighttime thermostat at a never-before low of 62 degrees, said Patty.
"Some mornings it's almost like you can see your breath, but not quite," she said, pulling her sweater closed. "Now I know how those Jews must have felt on the cold Poland nights in those death camps - freezing, and never knowing when the sun would return. I tell you - what doesn't kill you makes you stronger."
(New York) Bank of America announced that it has launched the Bank of America Terror Rewards Card -- the first credit card to be accepted for usage by members of global terror networks.
For the first time, Bank of America terrorist customers will benefit from the benefits and privileges of acceptance, as well as Bank of America's robust rewards program and outstanding service record.
"We are delighted to link up with al-Qaeda, Hezbollah, and other terror partners around the globe," said Bank of America Card Services President Bruce L. Hammonds. "Bank of America is now offering its high-spending militant customers greater choice through an exceptional new family of financial products."
Cardholders earn two points for each dollar spent on terror-related purchases, such as C-4, RPGs, and bazookas, while earning one point for other purchases.
For every US dollar spent using the card, militants earn one Skywards Mile which they can exchange for free flights, flight upgrades, or travel privileges with Skywards.
Destroy tanks, earn points
Islamic Army spokesman Abdurahman Sali hailed the BOA move as "progressive."
"For many, many years we have watched our purchases blow our enemies into tiny bits, while not benefitting from a loyalty-based rewards program," said Sali, polishing an AK-47. "Now we can carry out worldwide jihad and simultaneously create added value for our organizations. May Allah and Bank of America be praised."
(Dallas, TX) Relatives and acquaintances of the late Robert Miller, a 32-year-old shooting victim, gathered to share their memories of the slain man's gutless final moments.
"I used to think I knew Bobby, but the way he cried for mercy when the gun was to his head was disgusting," said cousin and crime witness Tre Beauchamp. "I lost a lot of respect for him, the way he blubbered like a little bitch after he'd been shot. It just hurts me to see him go out like that."
Witnesses to the unprovoked violence said that Miller "bawled like a fucking three-year-old" after receiving three .38 caliber slugs to the abdomen and chest.
"Oh yeah - blood was pouring out of him, and there he was, whimpering for his mom and sister," said a dejected Tracy Samuels, half-brother to Miller. "I'm glad I found out this way, instead of believing that Bobby would have had my back. What a total limpdick."
Left: Miller, before the world learned what a complete chicken shit he was
Miller's mother said that she was "sickened" when she learned of her son's final moments cowing before his killer.
"I didn't raise my boy to be a little sissy man," she said, wiping away tears. "If he were alive right now I would beat his ass for being such a pussy. Imagine - crawling on the ground and crying like a retarded kid who spilled his Pepsi. That's just terrible."
Instead, contend the Westhavens, son Jared and daughter Tara are growing up thinking "life's nothing but wads of cash and fancy cars."
"So Mr. Happy-Pants lands on the 'Lucky Day' space and receives $20,000,"said Marty of his 6-year-old son. "Like, when in the fuck does somebody just wind up getting a lucky 20 grand? I'll tell you when: never. Fucking kid's gonna grow up thinking the world owes him a goddamn 'lucky day.' Ain't no 'lucky days' on this godforsaken planet, kid."
Sheila said that the game gives children "completely unrealistic" expectations of being a grownup.
"Look at the house prices - $200,000 for a Victorian mansion and $40,000 split-level home," she complained. "We can't even touch a dilapidated shack in the middle of the ghetto for less than $300 grand. This kind of starry-eyed bullshit is warping my kids."
The Westhavens want changes made in the Game of Life
Milton Bradley should modify the game to reflect the sorts of life traumas his children will face, said Marty.
"How about adding spaces with a heroin addicted brother-in-law who steals your fucking big screen TV? That's what I'm talking about," he said, eyeing his wife warily as he downed a double shot of scotch. "Or maybe having your happy times wrecked by a two-timing whore of a spouse who has a boyfriend she met in a goddamned Internet chat room? That's life, kids. Ha, ha, friggity ha. Let's play go the Game of Life, shall we, kids?"
Drummer Mike Wengren, finishing a Bud Light, said that he is against the permanent addition of 16-year-old Missy Perkins to the group.
"We made our mark with the brute force and murderous intelligence in songs like 'Down With the Sickness,'" he said. "Then we got this stupid preppie chick dancing around behind us. It's fucking sickening."
Bass player John Moyer concurred with his fellow rhytnmist's assessment of the state of the band with Missy joining.
"Shit, we're nothing but a bunch of queers now, like those Nickelback faggots," he grunted, crushing a Camel in the bar ashtray. "We might as well just start wearing pink shirts and rainbow bandanas. Fuck me."
New look for Disturbed?
Lead singer David Draiman defended Missy's contributions to the band.
"She brings a certain warmth and charisma that's hard to put into words, a serenity, a muted palette, a very loving way of handing the tambourine that I've never heard before," he said. "And there's this physicality and vulnerability to the role with her portrayal of gawky adolescence that connects with the crowd. That, plus she digs MMMMF fivesomes. That helps."