National Nitwit

A National Nitwit Investigative Report

By Billy Pilgrim, National Nitwit Rogue Editor


While families across America relish their summer vacations, luxuriating on the shores of their favorite beaches, an age-old peril has gripped fathers of all ages: it is once again the season of the uncontrollable ‘beach boner.’


Another Hapless Father Chanting “Think Unsexy Thoughts” Among the Bikini Crowd

“Don’t get me wrong, I love my wife Linda, but we’ve been married for eight years now so we screw about once per pay period,” explained Evan Richards, a 29 year old computer programmer vacationing in North Carolina’s graceful Outer Banks. “Since we’re renting a beach house, I’ve had these super-shitty shower whacks ‘cause my porn collection is stashed back home. Long story short, I haven’t busted a decent nut in weeks, so when we hit the sand, what with all the college girls in bikinis, I turn into Johnny Hardcock.”

Other fathers on our nation’s beaches painfully reiterated Richards’ sentiments.

“My wife and I just had our third child in June, so she’s still in that delicate recovery period,” expressed Will Adams, a 41 year old math teacher from Michigan vacationing in southern Florida. “Which is totally cool—I’m not one to rush nature’s progress—but damn if these twin high school girls didn’t spend two hours making a sand castle right next to our blanket yesterday. What are these girls eating that they have massive jugs like that at 17? I spent the whole afternoon with a Tom Clancy novel and beach towel covering up my trouser salami.”

So with most married men too honest to violate their vows of monogamy, and the Mandatory Blowjob Bill currently stalling on the floor of Congress, it seems most men must simply endure the unquenchable fire in their loins.

“I think the trick is to learn to live without sex,” intoned James Lawrence, 55, a retired carpenter from Connecticut vacationing on the Delaware shore. “Last year I developed erectile dysfunction as a result of my diabetes, and it’s been a godsend. I can wear my dark shades, ogle all the young ass I want, and there’s no more fear of reprisal. Pathetic? Sure—I have to take a pill to please my wife when she gets in the mood every few months, for Christ’s sake. But at least I can surf fish without pitching a tent.”