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12/25/2006

Christ Second Guesses His Fantasy Football Decisions

Jesus Christ, fantasy football fanatic (Heaven) Jesus Christ, reviewing the performance of his team in the Pearly Gate fantasy football Super Bowl, expressed "disgust" with the results of his team management.

"I can't believe I started Michael Vick over Vince Young at quarterback," He said, shaking His head. "Young threw for two TDs and ran another one in, while Vick had two picks, no TDs, and only threw for 109 yards. Fuck me - I'm going to lose to some smart-ass cherubim in the Super Bowl."

Christ said that his team had overcome "tremendous obstacles" in even reaching the fantasy championship.

"All year long I've been cursed with injuries. First Donovan McNabb goes down, and then Kevin Jones, and [second-round WR pick] Steve Smith turned out to be a bust," He said of the season. "Yet despite some astute moves, like snatching [Rams' RB] Steven Jackson in a wicked horse trade with Archangel Michael for Duante - freaking - Culpepper, my team rolled over and died today."

Steven JacksonNot even 2 TDs and 252 total yards from Steven Jackson could save Christ's fantasy team

Christ said that, barring an illegal Divine Intervention, the only way he can win now is for Laveranues Coles to score 4 TDs and rack up 210 receiving yards in the Jets-Dolphins Monday night game Christmas evening.

"We're almost to halftime, and Coles has one catch for six yards," He said, grabbing a handful of Doritos as he watched the scoreless game on ESPN. "And Coles dropped one pass that hit him right in the chest. I swear to Me - I am never playing this fucked up game of fantasy football again."

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