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Pirate Survives Brutal Ninja Attack

Left: Thar be ninjas

By Banfu T. Burnside, National Nitwit Contributing Editor

Murderous pirate and scourge of the Somali Coast, Clive Horngrave, survived a brutal ninja sneak-attack on Thursday night. The ninjas, who seemingly appeared from nowhere, peppered Horngrave with poison darts and gratuitously displayed their proficiency with bladed weapons.

Horngrave, still groggy from the effects of the poison, described the scene.

"I had pulled night watch duty, and was walking down the starboard side, when a cloud of purple smoke appeared behind the main mast," he said, but before he could raise an alarm, the intruders were upon him. "There must have been five of the sneaky devils; three of them doing backflips, while a couple more swung down from the rigging."

Horngrave bravely drew his cutlass and engaged the nearest ninja.

"I was behind him, and thought I'd catch him unawares," he said, "but he must have heard me coming, because he swung around and kicked me square in the jaw."

When the sailor regained his feet, he was treated to "the most amazin' show a body's ever seen." As Horngrave watched dumbfounded, a ninja displayed an apple which he'd taken from the ship's larder, and then tossed it high into the air.

Left: Horngrave and mate

"That's when these two scalawags behind him started spinnin' their blades," said Horngrave.

As the fruit descended towards the deck, three assassins converged "with blue steel flashin' in the moonlight." The apple landed in six symmetrical pieces, neatly piled at the feet of the attackers.

"I was gonna say somethin' to them, but that's when the darts hit me," Horngrave added.

The apple trick had merely been a diversion, allowing several more ninjas to position themselves behind the awestruck pirate. At its conclusion, they unleashed a hail of darts, all of which found their target.

"I came crashin' down like a tonne of ballast," said Horngrave. "Luckily I stumbled into the ship's bell on the way down." The bell, traditionally used by the Captain to summon all hands, brought the eighteen remaining pirates clamoring onto the field of battle.

Though the ninjas vaporized before the crew arrived, Horngrave's shipmates recognized the telltale signs of a ninja ambush, and provided immediate medical attention. He now appears in good health, and is optimistic about returning to his duties about the ship.

"As soon as I'm well enough, the Captain says I can take my flogging for ringin' his bell, and regain good standing aboard this fine vessel," he said, pointing out that he is the only pirate fortunate enough to witness the "Deadly Apple Maneuver" and live to tell about it. "Course, the apple will be coming out of my rations, but it's a small price to pay." Rush+Limbaugh


Paternity Test Proves Einstein Did Not Father Modern Science

Einstein: gentleman, statesman...deceptive stepparent?

By Billy Pilgrim, National Nitwit Rogue Editor

(Washington, DC)—A recent study by the Smithsonian Institute has leveled a shocking blow for the scientific community: Albert Einstein, arguably the 20th century’s greatest intellectual, did not, in fact, father modern science.

This revelation has not only called many of Einstein’s theories into question, but also his relationship with his progeny.

“I don’t know what to believe anymore,” said a frustrated Dr. John Bethlehem, one of the leading scholars who worked on the study. “We’ve accepted Einstein’s theory of relativity for decades, and now we find out he’s not our dad. We’ve been living in a house of lies.”

D.C.-area college students were devastated by the discovery, since many had been enthused by Einstein’s eccentric and colorful personality, and cited his passion for physics as their own chief inspiration.

“My mom gave me a poster of him when I took first place in a 5th grade science fair,” remarked a tearful Louise Brandy, a doctoral candidate at Georgetown University. “Ever since, I’ve wanted to walk in Einstein’s footsteps. But now, to learn he’s not even family? I want to burn every reference to gravitational lensing in this place.” Rush+Limbaugh


Bush Running Out of Things to Fuck Up

By Billy Pilgrim, National Nitwit Rogue Editor

(Washington, DC)—With gas prices spiraling out of control and open civil war undermining the democratic process in Iraq, President Bush seems to have extended his Midas touch of buffoonery to every living thing on earth.

Bush made a short speech earlier this morning near the White House rose garden highlighting his sublime failures, which have seen his approval ratings dip near the 30-percentile mark in recent weeks, according to a recent report by FOX News.

“Everything I touch turns to shit,” Bush remarked to a cavalcade of press officials. “I think the best way for me to spend the remainder of my term is playing Tetris in Cheney’s Colorado bunker.”

Bush outlined a meticulous plan for how the nation could remain on course until his second term expires in 2008.

“Instead of letting Congress take over, I’ve decided to hold one bitchin’ tourny of whiffleball, winner take all,” Bush beamed. “My administration is gonna play an assortment of Fortune 500 teams and let the best one take control, since they basically run the country anyway.”

When asked by an esteemed D.C.-area reporter if he had any regrets before retreating into shadow, Mr. Bush provided a rare moment of poignant contemplation.

“Sure, Billy, I’ve got regrets,” Bush revealed. “I never bagged two chicks at once, I never watched a terrorist’s head split like a melon, and I never saw The Eagles in concert. Otherwise, it’s been one hell of a ride.” Andrew+Card


Duke Lacrosse Player to Police: “I Only Came Twice”

Left: Duke lacrosse player giving his opponent a piece of stiff wood

By Billy Pilgrim, Codependent Collegian Rogue Editor

(Durham, NC)—After two weeks of frenzy and speculation, a prime suspect in the Duke lacrosse rape scandal has finally made a confession to the police in an effort to clear both his teammates and the university of any wrongdoing.

However, it is apparent that Reade Seligmann, a 20-year-old sophomore, has yet to realize the magnitude of his actions, and the legal repercussions of his indiscretion.

“I swear I only fucked that chick twice,” revealed a cocky Seligmann in an exclusive interview with the Codependent Collegian. “I was a perfect gentleman, too—I blew both loads on her belly, and even bought her a cheeseburger afterwards.”

Seligmann also remained adamant that the intercourse was, in fact, consensual, and that alcohol was present during the evening’s festivities.

“That bitch was drunker than a plumber at a Panthers game,” Seligmann boasted. “I could tell she loved every minute of it, too—she even started to cry and thrash during her orgasm. If that doesn’t spell consensual, tell me what does.” Dahab


Gas Prices Have Senators, Congressmen Seeing Green

(Washington, DC) Republican congressional leaders on Monday urged the Bush administration to investigate whether oil companies are overcharging consumers at the gasoline pump and if speculators are pushing up fuel prices.

Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist and House Speaker Dennis Hastert wrote President Bush and asked him to direct the US Attorney General and the FTC to investigate profiteering.

"It is clear that the big oil companies are raking in some serious green, and we want to make sure they remember us in November," the two leaders wrote to the President. "The idea that large amounts of money do not have a little sumpin'-sumpin' for the GOP is an outrage."

They also asked the Bush administration to scrutinize the trading of oil, gasoline and other energy contracts on the New York Mercantile Exchange to determine if the price spike is caused by market manipulation.

"If there are opportunities to get in on the speculation and sell energy futures short, we want some of that action," said Hastert and Frist. "Both of us have kids and grandkids in college, and clearing an extra $200K here or there could help out quite a bit."

Republican rep Joe Barton said it "troubles" him that former Exxon Mobil Corp. CEO Lee Raymond was given a $400 million retirement package while U.S. refining capacity can't keep up with demand.

"When I saw that number - $400 million - I thought to myself that I am losing out here," he said. "If Exxon can toss that kind of money to n ex-CEO, they can surely toss a couple million to a good friend like Joe Barton." Kaavya Viswanathan


Michael McDonald Confirms Mission to Re-Record Every Tune Sung by a Black Guy

(Los Angeles, CA) Multiple Grammy Award-winner Michael McDonald, former frontman of the Doobie Brothers and succesful solo artist, made official what many have long suspected.

"It is my goal to take every original song crooned by a black guy and turn it into my own," he said to National Nitwit reporters yesterday. "My gritty, blue-eyed soul sound will now become the only way you can remember all the great R&B songs of the past."

McDonald discussed a parallel between his philosophy and an existing medium.

"It's kinda like Muzak, in a way," he said. "They take every song you ever heard, re-record it, and make it bland and palatable for every setting. I am like the Muzak of Motown, plus Stax, Volt, Atlantic, and Buddha Records."

His renditions of Motown hits recently earned him his first Platinum record as a solo artist and yet another Grammy nomination.

"Yeah, that was gratifying, especially since it was basically like a karaoke session," he said. "I got in there, knocked that album out in 7 days, and I'm a mega-freaking-zillionaire now. Go figure." Earth+day


Infant Sacrifice: New Payment for Higher Octane

By Billy Pilgrim, National Nitwit Rogue Editor

(Washington, DC)—While the price of consumer gas hit the $3 mark this morning in the nation’s capital, it appears the quenchless demand for oil has rendered premium octane only available through the ritualistic sacrifice of human infants at the pump.

And amazingly, many Americans don’t seem to mind the prospect of murdering their offspring in order to preserve their gas-guzzling way of life.

“I’ve been charging my fill-ups for months,” remarked Joel Fischer, a D.C.-area media consultant. “But this morning, all I had to do was bash my 9-month old daughter Veronica against the Speedpass thingy. If you hurry, you might see her cerebellum before they hose it into the grass.”

Some critics of the Bush Administration were not so eager to accept this insatiable rise in cost, however.

“Our country is in a dark time, with incompetent leadership and a dire loss of unity,” lamented Green Party activist Richard Webster. “The only way to wean our nation from this rampant oil addiction is to smoke some Panama Red and see Tom Petty in concert.”


Queen Celebrates Birthday with Perfectly-Formed Turd

(London) Queen Elizabeth II turned 80 on Friday, taking the opportunity to display the only piece of excrement that the monarch produced in the last 9 months.

"It is a rare moment indeed when my body even creates waste, and when I do, they are exquisite in design and composition," said the Queen in a prepared statement of the tightly-coiled shite. "I take this moment to share with the British people the latest magnificent monarchial mudpie, which was delivered most propitiously on this momentous birthday."

Amid a chorus of "oohs" and "aahs" from delighted onlookers at the Windsor Walkabout, the Queen wrapped the regal spool in a velvet cloth, placing it in a box.

"We shall save this imperial dung for posterity," she announced. "This noble stool sample will be preserved for future generations of Britons to honor and enjoy."

A spokesman for the Queen joined in the chorus of manurial admirers.

"Oh, it is a blessed moment, and I shall forever be grateful for having witnessed the unveiling of this perfect royal spoor," said Buckingham Palace spokesman Geoffrey Crawford. "God be praised." Andrew+Card


McClellan to Bush: "I'm Done Sucking Your Cock"

By Billy Pilgrim, National Nitwit Rogue Editor

(Washington, DC)—After months of verbal assaults from the press and members of both reigning political parties, White House spokesperson Scott McClellan announced his resignation yesterday as the resident cock-sucker for President Bush and his administration.

McClellan, who took over the position from the eloquent and sure-footed Ari Fleischer in July 2003, has fought an uphill battle to please the president’s trouser-snake, especially in the face of declining poll numbers and dwindling support for the War on Terror.

“It is with great honor and humility that I remove your erect wang from my mouth, Mr. President,” a tearful McClellan said yesterday at an early morning press conference. “I have had your Johnson gag my throat for three years, and truly believe the nation is all the better for it.”

Many critics have derided McClellan for his slow, plodding responses, and his inability to betray any glimmer of personality in his public briefings.

His supporters, however, feel he adequately served the country in a time of mounting crisis and diplomatic uncertainty.

“That boy knows how to blow, and his loss is certainly a detriment,” remarked a somber Tom DeLay, former Texas congressman. “I hope the president finds a suitable replacement to spit his salty cum-shot of lies in the face of the American people.” Andrew+Card


Man Awakes From Coma, Finds Tony Danza Still Famous

By Billy Pilgrim, National Nitwit Rogue Editor

(Bangor, ME)—After 19 years in a paralytic coma, New England man Fred Polydor miraculously awoke yesterday, and was baffled to find B-star Tony Stanza hosting his own daytime talk show on network television.

And while Polydor was happy to be reunited with his family and friends nearly two decades after a severe automobile accident, he expressed sincere dismay at the state of the entertainment industry.

“I can’t believe this greaseball is still on the air,” fumed Polydor in an exclusive interview with the National Nitwit. “I almost died in a head-on collision, and I can’t even find a good show to watch at 2 in the afternoon.”

Polydor’s frustration was not merely limited to Danza’s unwarranted acclaim, however.

“Where the fuck are the hover cars and anti-gravity boots?” Polydor grunted. “Another war and another asshole president I can deal with, but if I don’t see one of those automated showers from The Jetsons, I’m running head-first into a brick wall.”


Bear Denies Any Role in Mauling of Ohio Family

(Cherokee Forest, Tennessee) Authorities captured a bear Sunday that they suspect was responsible for the mauling of an Ohio family in the rugged mountains of eastern Tennessee.

The bear, however, maintains his innocence.

"Hey-hey-hey: this bear is guilty no way," said the bear, who goes by the name Yogi. "I am the victim of species profiling, I tell you."

A bear killed Elora Petrasek, 6, of Clyde, Ohio. Her mother, Susan Cenkus, 45, was in critical condition at a Chattanooga hospital. Her brother, Luke Cenkus, 2, was hospitalized in stable condition.

"What happened to that family terrible tragedy, but I assure you sir, I am being framed," said Yogi. "Those rangers are not your rocket scientists, that's for sure."

The bear said that he can provide both alibi and character witnesses.

"I'm smarter than the average bear, and the Ranger and Boo Boo will back me up on that," he said. "The only reason I was even near the campsite was because they left out a pic-a-nic basket, and let me tell you - another bear was there 'fore I got there." South Park


Bottled Water Maker Admits: "It's Really Tap"

Left: Absospring's "artesian well"

(Columbus,OH) In a meeting with National Nitwit reporters in an area pub, amid much drinking and frivolity, a corporate rep for the bottled water firm Absospring admitted that the company does not really have access to an undergraound spring.

"We bottle most of the stuff in my basement," said Jerry Baker, vice-president of distribution for Absospring. "It keeps my kids busy, and gives them a way to earn a little extra money. Let me tell you - there's nothing like a home-based business to keep the little bastards occupied."

Baker said the firm used to subcontract the manufacturing to a Kentucky bottler, but found that in-house production was much more profitable.

"They used to charge us $.37 for a 20-ounce bottle, and we have cut the production cost to $.08 now," he said. "That number drops even lower when my kids pilfer Aquafina bottles out of the local recycling bins."

Baker does not believe that his firm's advertising is deceptive.

"Originally, all water comes from a stream or a glacial lake or some shit like that," he said. "Besides - they never tell you about all the deer and bears taking a piss in the "pristine" places the other guys get their water from, do they?" South Park


DiTech's "Ned the Banker" Busted for Discriminatory Lending

(Los Angeles, CA) Ned the Banker, best known for his "lost another loan to DiTech" commercials, has been cited by HUD for discriminatory lending practices.

Among the most egregious violations - placing For Sale signs with "Whites Only" and "Don't Even THINK About Your Black Ass Grabbing a Loan Application."

"Hey man - DiTech has cornered the marker on conventional loans," said Ned. "That leaves the rest of us fighting over some of the fringe markets, like racist sellers or neighborhoods fighting to maintain their existing ethnic mixture."

Ned said that DiTech, with its simplified, low-fee online system, has drawn away an important segment of the market.

"Yeah, we're pretty much left with the illiterate imbecilles and the people whose credit is so bad that they couldn't get a $10 loan from their brother," he said. "Thank God there are still white supremacists who will pay four points over prime to keep from selling to a spook."

Another lending segment that Ned is beginning to exploit is the first time minority homeowner.

"You get some beaners with a 9th grade education and $5K to put down, and I'll get them into their dream house," chuckled Ned. "Of course, they'll be paying 21% interest and facing an auto-foreclosure clause the first time their loan is late. God, I love capitalism!" South Park


Pentagon Cook Last Military Person Supporting Rumsfeld

(Washington, DC) A survey among Pentagon staffers found that only one person - line cook Ling Huan - still supports embattled Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld.

National Nitwit reporters caught up with Huan in the Pentagon cafeteria.

"Oh, Mister Rumsfeld - he very good man," said Huan. "He never give hard time about 'go light on soy sauce' or 'leave off bean sprouts' like these other military assholes."

Huan said that Rumsefeld, unlike many other government officials, takes the time to greet him.

"Every day he say the same thing: 'How're you doing, you crazy Chink?'" laughed Huan. "It's a joke between us - I know he just kidding. He funny that way!"

Huan said that Rumsfeld appears to be under "very great pressure" these days.

"I know war not going so good for him," he said. "He look very tired when he eat lunch. I think he not getting enough greens or something." South Park

Disney Ride Kills German Tourist, Claims Self-Defense

By Billy Pilgrim, National Nitwit Rogue Editor

(Orlando, FL)—A 50-year old German tourist was slain yesterday afternoon while riding one of the many futuristic rides at Disney World’s Epcot Center in Orlando, and remarkably, it may have been an act of self-defense.

While local police officials have yet to pursue all possible leads, the ride known as Charlie “The Space Rocket” Garcia claims that Hiltgrid Fraudenschnel threatened him with “guttural phlegm, body odor, and a massive chin mole.”

Disney officials have yet to offer a formal explanation to the public, but spokesperson Joan Baxter did offer a brief statement to the press early this morning.

“We are deeply saddened by the death of this Nazi cunt,” Baxter affirmed to a packed room of journalists. “We also regret the negative impact this will have on our summer business, and will do whatever we can to quietly pay off her family and keep this shit out of the courts.”

Left: An artist’s rendering of the late Ms. Fraudenschnel

Meanwhile, “Space Rocket” Garcia remains temporarily ‘out of order,’ since his massive steel frame prevents him from being formally incarcerated.

“Have you ever had some stanky Hun sit on your face?,” Space Rocket lamented. “I was just protecting myself. Any good American would have done the same, and hurled the bitch 50 feet to her death while her kids looked on with terror.” Eminem proof


Cracked Skull Not Enough; Britney Chucks Baby Off Balcony

(Los Angeles, CA) Pop star Britney Spears and her husband, whose baby received a cracked skull from a fall on Monday, decided to "finish the deed" and toss the baby from a third-story window.

"Funny thing is that the little bastard didn't die from this fall, either," said Spears, pausing to hit a water bong. "We may have to resort to even more drastic measures."

Spears said that her 6-month-old son, Sean Preston, seemed to be "like, indestructible or something" in his ability to resist death.

"We started with arsenic in his bottle, but it only seemed to make him stronger," she said, placing a basket of sharp knives in the baby's crib. "Even ground glass in his strained peas didn't faze the little fucker."

One option left open, said Spears, is professional help.

"Kevin knows this guy who knows a girl who knows a hit man," she said. "We may have to bring in this assassin if we can't kill the little shit ourselves." berlusconi proof


Subcomandante Bob Joins Anti-Google Boycott

(Toledo, OH) Subcomandante Bob, editor of the e-zines Codependent Collegian, Toledo Tales, and National Nitwit, joined fellow Toledo Blogger historymike in advocating a boycott of Google AdSense.

"It was an easy decision to make, since we made $.89 in three weeks running Google ads," said the drunken buffoon. "Besides, Historymike is always good for a handout. I bet the guy will be good for dinner AND a fifth of Stolichnaya after this."

Subcomandante Bob believes that the boycott will have "profound impact" on the Internet behemoth.

"Oh yeah - Google will be shitting bricks when they see this," he said, downing a double shot of cheap booze. "They won't even know what hit them."


Enriched Uranium Cereals Among Iranian Goals

Left: Drunken artist's rendition of new Yellowcake Crunch

(Tehran) Iran dismissed calls that the country cease its nuclear research and vowed on Sunday to resume industrial-scale atomic fuel production even if the UN nuclear watchdog shifts Iran's case to the UN Security Council.

Iran successfully enriched uranium for the first time at the Natanz plant, Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad announced Tuesday on state television.

In addition, Iranian officials uveiled a plan to begin production of new uranium-enriched cereals.

"If the file is referred to the Security Council, then we will begin industrial-scale enrichment”, said Ali Larijani, secretary general of Iran’s Supreme National Security Council. "We will also roll out our enriched cereal line, beginning with tasty Glowing Grahams."

Larijani said the cereals will fill two Iranian needs.

"First, this will assure a wide dispersal of the country's uranium stocks, making difficult any efforts by the agents of Satan to sieze our supplies," he said. "Secondly, we will create millions of walking dirty bomb-zombies that we can export to any country that screws with us."

The secretary-general also discussed some possible future entries in the enriched uranium cereal line.

"Some of the types we have tested include Frosted Radio-Wheats, Yellowcake Crunch, and Plutonium Puffs," he said. "But my favorite has got to be Honey Neutron O's - the uranium keeps them crunchy in milk for 300,000 years."


Bush: "Would You Wacky Mexicans Knock That Shit Off?"

(Washington, DC) Immigration rights supporters marched Monday from Hispanic neighborhoods in DC past the White House in an event they had hoped would be a celebration of a bill to put illegal immigrants on the path to citizenship.

Instead, President Bush took the opportunity to chastise the protesters.

"I would appreciate it if y'all could keep it down out there," said the President. "Judge Judy is on right now, and I never miss an episode of those crazy court cases she has. If that's okay with you."

Seeing the President, the crowd cheered and chanted "Si, Se Puede," which is Mexican for "si, se puede."

"Okay, I'll say it - Payday," said the President. "Now, I mean it - this is my favorite show, and I'd like to finish watching it."

Turning to aides, a weary Bush longed for better days.

"Remember when they would wear those funny hats and do that mariachi stuff?" he asked, eyes misting over. "Do you think we could get us some of those serape-wearing fellas in here for a party this weekend? I just love those sleepy-looking rascals." Silvio Berlusconi yes he would

Microsoft Unveils "Apple Shredder" to Combat "Boot Camp"

(Redmond, WA) Apple Computer unveiled new software last week that allows Intel-based Macs to run Microsoft's Windows XP software. Called "Boot Camp," the beta-test application can be downloaded immediately.

In response, Microsoft announced a new "Apple Shredder" software that eliminates every trace of Apple's Mac OS-X operating system.

"Hell, if they are going to run Windows they have no need for OS-X," said Microsoft spokesman Jack Evans. "We figured we'd rush this out as a Windows update, sort of like a malware removal tool."

Evans said the goal is to turn Macs into PC-zombies that keep only the Apple nameplate.

"The industry has been heading this way for over a decade, and it was pretty much inevitable," he said. "Think of the modified Apple like a Yugo that gets a BMW engine and powertrain."

Microsoft, according to Evans, looks upon Apple Shredder as a sort of "PC chemotherapy delivery device."

"Face it - Apple is like a metastasizing tumor that keeps popping up. First it's your testicles, then it's your liver, and then your brain," he said. "Before you know it you're drooling and getting fed through a tube. We just don't want that to happen anymore." Mary Winkler


Vet Suspects Entire Mall is Run by Commies

By Billy Pilgrim, National Nitwit Rogue Editor

(San Diego, CA) Chet “Tarbaby” Lucas, a decorated Vietnam veteran, believes his local mall is overpopulated by a covert group of communists who are constantly attempting to assassinate him.

And while Lucas suffers from Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder and lives in the basement of his 78 year-old mother Petunia, he swears that his claim is credible.

“These fucking gook bastards are out to get me, just like they got Wilson back in ’68,” asserted a visibly shaken Lucas. “Shot like a dog. If I wasn’t afraid of Big Brother, I’d wear my old fatigues every time I walked through the food court.”

Lucas cites the increasing number of Asian and “goth” employees—particularly at high-impact kiosks—as his main source of evidence.

“If another slant tries to sell my mom a bath pillow, I’m gonna stab ‘em in the gut,” remarked Lucas. “I didn’t fight a war halfway around the world to have these yellow devils making silk-screen t-shirts three blocks from my goddamn house.” Mary Winkler


Accused DHS Official Claims "Misunderstanding"

(Washington, DC) US Department of Homeland Security deputy press secretary Brian J. Doyle, who was arrested Tuesday night at his home in Silver Springs, MD and charged with using a computer to seduce a child, says that the whole incident was a "misunderstanding."

"This was a counterintelligence activity designed to root out al Qaeda operatives in Polk County," explained Doyle. "What looks like sexual banter is really coded messages between me and terrorists. When I said: "How would you like to wrap your lips around my big Johnson," what I really communicated was: "When will you deliver the dirty bomb?" It's pretty simple, really."

Doyle said that investigators completely missed the subtleties of communicating with terrorists.

"Most Americans know that al Qaeda terrorists don't just come out and say: "WE ARE GOING TO BLOW UP YOUR COUNTRY," or anything like that," said Doyle. "They ususally write things on AOL like: "I would love to run my tongue all over your nubile young body" when they are announcing a covert terrorist action."

The accused cyber-pedophile expressed confidence that he would be vindicated.

"Once the jury understands that "I want to stuff my throbbing staff in your hole" really means "We are about to commence terrorist activities," everything will be fine," he said. Mary Winkler

Accused Witch Mary Winkler Behind Tennesee Storms

(Selmer, TN) A line of severe thunderstorms and tornadoes conjured by accused witch Mary Winkler swept parts of four states on Friday, killing at least eight people and leaving a trail of damage in Tennessee, said authorities.

Coupled with the tornadoes that stuck the state last weekend, the death toll is now up to 35 in the reign of spectral terror wrought by the Selmer woman.

"Oh, we have no doubt that Mary Winkler is behind all of this," said Tennesee governor Phil Bredesen. "I still had a few doubts after last weekend, but this latest batch means that the Devil himself is working through Mary. God help us."

Attorneys for the diminutive Winkler denied that their client was involved in sorcery.

"Look, people - she might be a homicidal lunatic, but she has no power over the elements of nature," said Steve Farese, part of the "Memphis Dream Team" representing Winkler. "She's as normal as you or me, except for that part about blowing away her husband. THAT was some freaky shit."

Officials in Tennessee, though, stuck behind the witch theory.

"What else could it be? Even God doesn't stay pissed this long," said Bredesen. "I say we burn the satanic minion before she sends a hurricane this way."


Racist Crackers Really Pissing Off McKinney

(Washington, DC) Representative Cynthia McKinney said that the hidden issue behind her confrontation with a Capitol Police officer is "racial profiling," and expressed her unhappiness with a "world of racist crackers."

"Listen - this town is crawling with bigoted white devils who would love to lynch an uppity black like me," she told National Nitwit reporters. "I can't walk a block without getting the evil eye from some racist whitey."

The supremacist US Capitol Police took steps toward obtaining an arrest warrant for the uppity McKinney, who tangled with a uniformed officer. The police turned results of their investigation over to the segregationists over at the Justice Department for review.

"They may as well get the noose ready for me now, because a black woman will never get justice in a bigoted plantation town like DC," she said. "Better get the manacles and whips out, too, and beat this impudent black woman who don't know her place."

McKinney said that the bigotry pervades every segment of American life.

"Even blacks and Hispanics are nothing but crazy white rednecks these days," she sighed. "Used to be a person could find some misery in company, but the whole godamn world's gone white." Mary Winkler


Moonves Digs Katie Couric on the News

(New York) Katie Couric will announce her departure from NBC's "Today" show this morning, paving the way for her to join rival CBS and become the first woman sole anchor of a major U.S. network evening newscast.

CBS chief Les Moonves is eager to revamp the evening newscast.

"America is tired of grim announcers blathering on about body counts in Iraq and Washington scandals," he said. "Katie will be able to bring a smile and a cheerful exuberance to even the most horrible tragedies, and, can you just imagine getting jiggy with her?"

Moonves said that Couric has also agreed to some "structural" changes in the updated news program.

"Katie nixed the topless idea, but she did agree to wear a lot of those low-cut blouses," he said. "Have you SEEN the pair on her? Jesus Christ - no jury in the world would convict a man for wanting some of that - phew!"

Left: Moonves: "Mmmmmm...."

Moonves has been busy finalizing the details of Couric's new contract at CBS, where she will take over for interim anchor Bob Schieffer and do pieces for the network's highly rated newsmagazine "60 Minutes."

"She's pretty smart - she made me take out the clause that read:'Katie must get her freak on with Les every Fiday night,'" he chuckled. "I thought I had her on that one. Looks like I'll have to wait for the CBS Christmas party to get her liquored up and make my "moonves." That's what I call 'em. MOONVES. I kill me." Mary Winkler


Moussaoui Not Eligible for Death Penalty; Gets Double Minors, Game Misconduct

Left: Defenseman Moussaoui lost for key game

(Alexandria, VA) A jury found today that Zacarias Moussaoui, the only person to be prosecuted in connection with the terrorist attacks of September 11 2001, was not eligible for the death penalty.

Instead, the would-be hijacker faces double minor penalties for hooking and slashing, and will be lost to his team for the next four minutes.

In addition, Moussaoui received a game misconduct on the disputed call. His teammates on the New Jersey Devils were disappointed in the decision.

"He's come out and put his heart on the line every single game he plays," said goalie Martin Brodeur. "It's a tough blow for the team to see Moussaoui out for even one game. He just terrorizes opposing forwards."

Another teammate lauded Moussaoui's defensive skills.

"No one takes his man out at the blue line like Zac," said center Patrik Elias. "He has explosive power and can fly right at you."

Moussaoui defied skeptics who said he was only a minor player in the Al Qaeda Hockey League, developing into a premier defenseman before being picked up by the NHL's Devils.

Brodeur remained convincd that the misconduct call was a "farce."

"Look - the guy never even blew up at the ref," he said. "They have hung men for less than what Zac did." Mary Winkler


Californians Sentenced for Poaching Immigrants Out of Season

Left: Riggoli and family hunting greasy immigrants last fall

(Reno, NV) A California man with a string of hunting violations elsewhere in the West became the first person convicted of felony immigrant poaching in Nevada under a new, tougher state law aimed at reducing the number of illegal aliens hunted out of season.

Three others charged in the case pleaded guilty to misdemeanors and were fined, state immigration officials said.

Domenic Riggoli, 49, was given 90 days in the Lincoln County Jail last week on his felony guilty plea to taking an immigrant during a closed season, according to Rob Buonamici, chief warden with the Nevada Department of Immigration Control.

The Nevada Legislature three years ago passed a bill making the poaching of an illegal immigrant a felony under certain circumstances.

Left: Wait until May 1, or face penalties for bagging an immigrant

"Before that, the most severe charge an immigrant poacher faced was a gross misdemeanor,” Buonemici said. "I hate them Mexicans as much as anyone else, but goddammit - it's gotta be in season."

Riggoli's legal problems are not confined to Nevada. Immigration officials in New Mexico said Riggoli owes more than $7,000 in fines for 14 immigrant hunting violations in that state.

“He will ultimately end up facing a license revocation action here,” said Marty Frenzel, public information chief for the New Mexico Department of Game and Fish. “It's too bad, though - Riggoli has bagged over 400 of those shifty bastards tying to sneak over and suck up our welfare benefits.”

Riggoli's hunting partners pleaded guilty to misdemeanors, authorities said.

Barry Charlting, 33, and David Riggoli, 53, both from Paso Robles, CA, and Michael Carrana, 67, of Templeton, CA, all pleaded guilty to hunting immigrants during a closed season.

"The law is the law," said Buonemici. "There's over 325 good days a year to bag yourself a tomato picker, and these greedy hunters just have to wait like the rest of us." Mary Winkler


New York Releases 9/11 Emergency Calls

Operators on 9/11 facing the onslaught of calls

(New York) New York City officials reluctantly released nine hours of recorded remarks made by emergency dispatchers during 130 phone calls in the early moments of 9/11.

The tapes provide insight into the chaos and human tragedy of the day that al-Qaeda operatives attacked the World Trade Center with fuel-laden airliners.

""Jesus Christ!" yelled one emergency operator. "I broke a nail. I can't believe this day; I just spent $50 on a custom nail job with Alejandra."

The rapidly growing number of incoming calls began to take its toll on operators.

"Hold please, sir...(sound of click)...That's like the 10th call this shift, Jackie, and I just started at 8," said one operator to a coworker. "You know, $16 an hour ain't worth all of this crap...(sound of click)..okay, go ahead sir."

Many operators were clearly frustrated with the lack of information.

Lost sandwiches, late coworkers added to 9/11 stress

“I’ve got a guy on the 106th floor and he wants to know how to deal with a hundred people. He wants some directions. I don’t know,” said another operator. "What do I look like - Information? Yeah, and where the hell is my tuna on wheat? I ordered it 45 minutes ago!"

The day's stress seemed to push one technician close to the edge.

"Sammy, Sammy, when the fuck you gonna get here?" said the man to a coworker's voicemail. "I was supposed to be off at noon, and I can't leave until your lazy ass gets here. And you better not give me any bullshit about getting stuck in traffic. Bastard." Mary Winkler

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