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We Have the Right to Choose the Candidates Who Will Fuck Us up the Ass

Guest Editorial by George Norwood,
Michigan voter

I think it is highly un-democratic and an insult to the voters of Michigan that our Democratic primary did not count, and that the Party will not seat our delegates. After all, no state has been hit harder by job cuts than Michigan, and the blue collar voters of this state have been loyal Democrats for many decades.

Thus, it is only fair that we Michigan voters exercise our right to choose which candidate will fuck us up the ass.

Listen - for the past fifty years we've been taking the snake up the poop chute from Washington politicians. LBJ? Hammered us hard. Nixon? Plowed us like blond-headed prison arrivals. Reagan? Slapped us around and drilled us with his withered horse cock.

Some Michigan voters might want Barack Obama as President, because he would probably be gentle and put on some romantic music first, maybe whispering in our ears just before slipping his shaft up our asses. The problem with Obama is that he is young, and would likely want to fuck us up the ass 3-4 times week.

Others might want Hillary Clinton, who would be fucking Michigan voters up the ass with a blood-red strap-on dildo. Clinton would ride Michigan pretty rough, but she would probably fuck us up the ass really hard every other weekend, and she might give Michigan the occasional reacharound.

I think Michigan Republicans had better choices, since John McCain is too old to be fucking Michigan up the ass, and even with Viagra, he would be only be pointing his limp dick our way once a month. But I am glad that Mitt Romney is out, since those sexually repressed Mormons would be likely to be dragging Michigan out behind the garage and fucking us up the ass, like, every hour or so.

So, in the final analysis, as the state that has to get presidentially poked on a regular basis, I believe Michigan residents should have some choice as to which candidate gets to fuck us up the ass.

And maybe this time they could leave twenty bucks on the nightstand. It's not like we are whores, but if we could buy ourselves a little something, we might feel better about getting fucked up the ass so much.

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Cock-Starved Feminist Accused of Rape

A National Nitwit Exclusive Report
By Billy Pilgrim, National Nitwit Rogue Editor

Richards: Frumpy, Unshaven, and Hungry for Cock

(Philadelphia)—Feminist and lesbian activist Judith Richards, a leading strategist for the Clinton campaign, was indicted earlier this afternoon for raping a male co-worker at an after-hours party on Super Tuesday.

And with the Pennsylvania primaries only weeks away, such scandal could literally turn the tide in the Democratic presidential primary.

“The evidence in this case is pretty elementary: this dangle-boob carpet-muncher got hammered, coaxed a male coworker into an isolated area who, might I add, was under the impression that new poll numbers had arrived, and proceeded to ride him like a ten-cent rocket ship outside K-Mart,” explained police spokesperson Fernando Gonzalez. “The physical evidence at the scene, what with the torn granny-panties and abundance of vaginal ejaculation, should be more than adequate for the grand jury.”

Many in the legal community are anxiously ponderous, as this case could usher a paradigm shift in the very concept of rape, as well as its warning signs, modes of prevention, and stereotypical culprits.

“When we think of rapists, we tend to picture meathead college boys or perverted loners—men with uncontrollable urges and violent tendencies,” explained Dr. Xavier Guff, Professor of Sociology at Temple University. “But the Richards situation clearly demonstrates that a portion of the dikewad community, seemingly content with finger-bangs and lick-jobs, is ultimately jonesing for the purple-headed yogurt-tosser, and will go to extraordinarily means to have their needs fulfilled.”

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Bush Celebrates 5-Year Iraq Anniversary with Cake, Clowns

Left: President Bush gets ready to do the limbo

President Bush marked five years since ordering the invasion of Iraq with a celebratory party at an undisclosed Washington location, replete with party favors and chocolate cake.

"The successes we are seeing in Iraq are undeniable, yet some in Washington still call for retreat," the President told reporters as he helped himself to some cotton candy. "What they ought to be doing is grabbing a couple of these here cupcakes - they got this crunchy rainbow candy in 'em, and I'll be damned if I couldn't stop before eating six of the fuckers. Hoo-ee!"

Bush indicated that he's not ready to withdraw more troops from Iraq than have been scheduled to leave through about mid-July.

"I will say this: that funny clown really fooled me with the rabbit-shaped balloon he blew up," chuckled Mr. Bush. "I thought he was trying to screw with me, turning it into a machine gun-wielding soldier shooting up an Iraqi baby or some shit. But no: just a bunny. Good thing, too, because I would've bitch-slapped the fucker if Happy the Clown tried to pull a fast one on me."

The President defended his often-criticized Iraq policies.

"The answers are clear to me: removing Saddam Hussein from power was the right decision," he said. "It's too bad, though, because I would have liked to play Lawn Jarts with that dude, and maybe eat a few hot dogs or something. We could've been buds, if I didn't have to hang his ass and all. Still, the punch at this shindig is first-rate, and I might try to nail one of these soccer moms after Laura calls it a night. Hell, by 8 o'clock, this party will be just getting started! Maybe we can play a game of 'pin the tail on the President's cock' or something wacky like that."

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I’m Fuckin’ Outraged by the Lack of 9/11 Tributes in this Town

A National Nitwit Guest Editorial
By Jack Kirshner, Baltimore Deliveryman

Kirshner: Maryland’s Last True Patriot?

You know, March 11th marked the 6 ½ year anniversary of those horrific terrorist attacks on our nation. And this entire week, as I’ve loaded my delivery truck and driven up and down the gritty streets of Baltimore, I was shocked—I mean fuckin’ shocked—that there wasn’t a single 9/11 tribute anywhere. No candlelight vigils, no marches, no prayer banners hung from corporate buildings.

So listen up, Baltimore: I’m fuckin’ outraged by the lack of 9/11 tributes in this town.

Have we already forgotten that 6 ½ years ago, the entire Middle East, along with Russia and South Korea, destroyed nineteen city blocks of New York City, claiming the lives of millions of Americans and their pets? They went ballistic on our asses—they bombed the Trade Towers, decimated our schools and churches, and slaughtered women and children like it was a fuckin’ round of paintball.

Well ol’ Jack hasn’t forgotten. And that’s why I’m here to call it as I see it: Baltimore, you don’t give two shits. Why, if this town really cared about America, people would spend their lunch breaks getting Uncle Sam tattoos and putting yellow ribbon magnets on their Nissan Sentras. Folks all over this city would be mailin’ six-packs of beer to our boys over there in the desert, so they could pound a few Natty Bo’s after wasting those fuckin’ sand-niggers for what they done to our firefighters and nuns and such.

9/11 was like the Holocaust, the Colts moving to Indianapolis, and that asteroid that killed all the dinosaurs rolled together times a zillion. It’s high time you paid your respects, Baltimore, if you don’t want me rubbin’ my balls all over your precious Amazon book order.

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Spitzer to Nation: “Sorry I Was Nabbed for an Almost-Fuck”

A National Nitwit Breaking Report
By Billy Pilgrim, National Nitwit Rogue Editor

Spitzer: Wished He Got His Rocks Off

(New York)—Earlier this afternoon New York Governor Eliot Spitzer apologized for his involvement in a torrid prostitution ring, which has, among other things, produced wiretap evidence of his solicitation.

And while the governor’s political future still remains vastly uncertain, Spitzer used the national spotlight to offer a somewhat bizarre apology: he lamented not having actually engaged in sexual intercourse with a prostitute before his guilt was made public.

“Let me apologize first and foremost to that whore I never had the good fortune to meet, because I certainly would have raw-dogged her balloon knot,” Spitzer read from a brief statement before a swarm of reporters. “I know this has been an excruciatingly trying time for my wife and family, but I deeply lament this admittance of guilt knowing that I never actually watched this gutter-slut gargle my mayonnaise after a long night of snorting China White.”

Spitzer continued to outline the graphic sexual acts he would have preferred to apologize for rather than this mere implication.

“And true, while I admit that my involvement in a request for paid sex acts is nefarious at best, I would much rather have been caught balls-deep in some nameless Puerto Rican girl’s snatch while she writhed and slobbered on a stained motel mattress,” a teary-eyed Spitzer huffed. “Perhaps had I done that, and then subsequently gotten a blow-job in my State House chambers, all this moral fallout would feel somehow deserved.”

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With Candidacy at Stake, Clinton to Toss Salad of Potential Voters

By Billy Pilgrim, National Nitwit Rogue Editor

Clinton: Bring On the Rumps

(Washington, D.C.)—With her presidential bid struggling to compete with Barack Obama’s now-infamous surge in delegates and financial contributions, Hilary Clinton announced this morning that she is going to “toss the motherfucking salad” of any registered Democratic voters living in the crucial states of Ohio or Texas before their do-or-die primary elections.

It is worth noting that ‘salad tossing’ is street slang for analingus, a rather taboo sexual act that is most popular among prison inmates.

“My fellow Americans, so much of this race has hinged on whose dedication and leadership is more worthy of your vote,” a slightly intoxicated Clinton intoned. “So that is why I’m going to put my dignity, health, and tongue on the line by eating some Texas cowboy ass, right now, and earn your vote the old fashioned way: by embracing patriarchy and salsa-slathered butt-holes.”

Lest Ohio voters feel unattended, Clinton explained her impending Marathon Munch Tour.

“After I’ve licked my way across the panhandle, I’m coming for you Ohio,” Clinton boomed. “And if you want it in the back of a ’74 Dodge Dart with Bob Seger cranked on the eight track, then goddamn it, that’s how I’ll do it. Just remember, America, as I’m face deep in your turd-cutter, that this election is more than fancy speeches—it’s about getting the job done. Well, that and ass-gasms.”

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