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Fred Savage Secretly Wishes His Life Ended at Thirteen

By Billy Pilgrim, National Nitwit Rogue Editor

Savage: Where Has Your Cuteness Gone, Long Time Passing?

(Los Angeles, CA)—Fred Savage, child star of the early nineties sitcom “The Wonder Years,” admitted earlier this morning that he secretly wished that he had died as a preteen rather than endure the slow, arduous slide into Hollywood failure.

Savage spoke candidly about his professional demise in an exclusive phone interview with the National Nitwit from his California home.

“I fucking had it made, brother,” Savage remarked while arduously chewing a mouthful of oyster crackers. “We had the best show on television, made millions — and that chick who played Winnie Cooper? Yeah, I totally touched her boobs one time. My last gig was doing voice-overs for 'Kim Possible.' And yes, I know you’ve never heard of it, since it’s a goddamn after-school cartoon on the Disney Channel.”

Savage shared some symbolic ways in which he could have gracefully passed on rather than toil in the purgatory of forgotten celebridom.

“I’ve never said this publicly, but we had a script for the final episode of ‘The Wonder Years’ where Kevin Arnold died in a horrific car accident,” Savage remarked. “We should have filmed that, and had it be a real accident—shattering glass, squealing tires, blood dripping from Kevin's outstretched arm. Or maybe I could have been shot by some deranged fan, and there could have been a candle ceremony in my honor and a national day of mourning. I’d be right up there with James Dean instead of directing the cinematic abortions like ‘Daddy Day Camp.’”

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CDC Seeks Those Who Smoked Crack With TB Patient

Woman smoking crack with ye olde crack pipe (Atlanta) Health officials in North America and Europe scoured passenger lists of two trans-Atlantic airline flights in their effort to find about 80 people who smoked crack with a man infected with a dangerous drug-resistant form of tuberculosis.

"The investigation is just beginning. It's very challenging - this case is harder than third grade was for Britney Spears," said Dr. Marlon Crizzack, director of the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention's division of global migration and quarantine. "Not only do we have here the stigma of being a possible TB carrier, but alo the stigma of being known as a crack-smoking street whore. Not too many people fessing up either way."

The unnamed man, who is under the first U.S. government-ordered quarantine patient since 1963, reportedly shared his crack pipe with dozens of airline passengers and employees.

"Is the patient himself paticularly infectious? Fortunately, in this case, he's probably not," said CDC Director Dr. Roxanne Caine. "But the other piece is this bacteria is a very deadly bacteria, and it was all over that crack pipe, not to mention that the man was trading oral sex for crack pipe hits."

CDC officials said they are working closely with both airlines and area crack dealers.

"Pretty basically, what we are dealing with here is a population that is reluctant to come forward," said Caine. "Besides, these fuckers totally bogart the rock, and they are stingier than a bunch of Mormons at a strip club."

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Nicky Hilton Nearly Drowns Retrieving Cheeseburger in Lake

(Lake Tahoe, NV) Celebrity Nicky Hilton, sister of Paris Hilton and occasional actress, frightened partygoers at a Lake Tahoe resort when she dove in the frigid waters after a cheeseburger was accidentally tossed into the water.

"Nicky was, like, totally committed to fetching and eating that cheeseburger," said Patrick Deschler, who witnessed the incident. "She looked hungrier than an al Qaeda hostage during Ramadan."

Deschler said that Hilton, whose on-again, off-again weight troubles have been tabloid fodder, appeared to lose consciousness after pulling the cheeseburger up from the lakebed.

"She wolfed it down in like five seconds," he recalled. "Then she got kind of, well, catatonic or something. It was as if she was having a food orgasm."

After being rescued and taken to a local hospital for observation, witnesses said that Hilton does not appear to have recovered from her insatiable appetite.

"Listen - Nicky eats more than a Irish setter suckling twelve puppies," Deschler added. "She's so fat... well... err... she's so fat, she's still stuck back in Erikson's oral-sensory phase of development. Like, Nicky will develop a sense of trust only if her caregiver is responsive and consistent with her basic needs being met. Nicky's need for care and food must be met with comforting regularity. She must first form a trusting relationship with her caregiver, otherwise a sense of mistrust develops. Like now. That's how fat Nicky is."

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Swiss Cheese: A Damned, Dirty Ripoff of Consumers

Guest editorial by Martin Weisslacker, consumer advocate

Ever look at a piece of Swiss cheese? I mean really look at it? Just what percentage of the total volume of Swiss cheese is empty space?

I've been doing a little calculating, and on the average, Swiss cheese is 14 percent air. That's 14 percent pure profit, my friends, and that's above the outrageous profits Swiss cheese makers are pulling in when compared to an All-American cheese like Velveeta. By the way - that Velveeta is the shit, brother. Melts like butter, and tastes like processed Heaven-on-Earth, if you ask me. And if you slap a chunk of Velveeta on apple pie and microwave it?

THAT is living, sir.

Sure, the Swiss bandits say that in late stage of cheese production, the P. shermani bacterium consumes the lactic acid excreted by the other bacteria, and releases carbon dioxide gas, which slowly forms the bubbles that make holes.

It's an all-natural process, the cheese makers argue.

A natural rip-off, if you ask me.

I bet there's not even any bacteria involved. My guess is they either drill out those holes, or they pour the liquid cheese into molds with little metal tubes that make it look like holes.

What's worse is that so many people just don't care about the Swiss cheese shortchange scam. I brought it up at a cocktail party last week, pointing it out to the hostess when she was making one of those cracker sandwiches with Swiss cheese and salami slices.

Bitch had the nerve to tell the bartender to cut me off. Go figure: Guy tells the truth, so he must be crazy or drunk.

Now, I'm not going to sit here and fool myself into thinking that I'm some kind of cheese messiah, but at the same time I think little guys need to stand up and demand all of our cheese. If they get away with this, pretty soon we'll only be getting half a gallon of gas, or six ounces of Budweiser in the bottle.

And I, for one, am tired of the big companies ripping off the little guy. Color me cheesed.

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We Deserve a Disinfectant That Kills More Than 99 Percent of Germs

Guest editorial by Sarah Wermacht, homemaker

If you watch those TV ads closely when they advertise disinfectant cleaners, they always show microscopic photos of bacteria they supposedly killed, but there is always one or two of those nasty germs still wiggling around, trying to plan a way to get in your baby's stomach and make them very sick.

It's time that Americans stand up and demand disinfectants that kill every last microbe.

Do you want YOUR baby drinking out of a bottle that still has one or two Ebola viruses on it? It only takes one to kill your baby, dear young mother, and you know those foreign nannies and au pairs at the playground are just COVERED with Ebola and yellow fever and Lassa vrus and smallpox and God knows what else.

And don't even get me going about those nasty immigrants at Carl's Jr. and Burger King. Just seeing them put their dirty hands on my food makes me want to puke right their at the counter, knowing they are back there scratching their filthy crotches, crawling with pubic lice and scabies. Can you say "ick!"

Left: 99 percent is not good enough for America's children

And what about the toilet seat? Are you willing to settle for only a 99 percent kill rate, what with our husbands and all their FILTHY WHORES carrying hepatitis, AIDS, chlamydia, and 19 different types of herpes?

Are you willing to take a chance on catching anal warts from the toilet seat because your super-stud hubby and his infected dingus peed on the toilet seat, while your disinfectant spray only kills, oh, 99 percent of the germs?

Not me.

That's why I say we should band together and get Congress to mandate disinfectant sprays that do their job. Are America's children and your vaginas not worth it?

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New Teacher Excited Teaching Next Generation of Prison Inmates

(Chicago, IL) Kristie Ingersoll has enjoyed her first full year as an elementary teacher on Chicago's tough South Side, and looks back fondly upon the experience of helping to educate society's future criminals.

"When I started I had aspirations of breaking through the cycle of learned helplessness in these kids," she said of her class of third-graders at John P. Altgeld Elementary School. "And I did! Every single student in my class knows how to stand up for themselves and demand what they want from society from a position of strength with the use of a stolen 9 mm handgun. This is one group of kids who will never know the indignity of going on public assistance, because they will all be facing lengthy felony jail terms by the time they are 20."

Ingersoll said that there were "quite a few" students who demonstrated superior intellectual abilities.

"Face it - no matter where I hid my purse, one of these resourceful young people always found it and heisted everything of value in it, including my ID - twice," she chuckled, beaming at the valuable career skills she helped enhance. "And I know that in my class there were quite a few prison ministers, jailhouse lawyers, and yard bulls about to bloom."

third gradersThe beaming faces of America's future prison leaders and career criminals

Ingersoll added that her first-year teaching experiences at Altgeld Elementary have "bordered on the inspirational."

"I know made a difference in these kids' lives, and will I continue to try to make a difference every day in the future," she said, eyes misting up at her memories. "Without caring teachers, our nation's next generation of thugs and sociopaths would grow up believing that the prison system has nothing to offer them. I know that I have helped most of these children know that they can earn GEDs, correspondence school diplomas, and even journeyman trade certificates while incarcerated that they can put to productive use in our nation's prison industries."

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Navy Stages Production of Musical "Wicked" Off Iran Coast

(Washington, DC) The U.S. Navy staged its latest musical production off the Iranian coastline on Wednesday, sending two aircraft carriers and landing ships packed with 17,000 U.S. Marines and sailors to carry out unannounced theatrics in the Persian Gulf.

Navy officials said Iran was not notified of plans to sail nine ships, including two aircraft carriers, through the Straits of Hormuz, a narrow channel in international waters off Iran's coast and a major artery for global oil shipments.

"There's always the threat of any state or non state actor that might decide to close a theatrical production in one of the international straits, and the biggest one is the Straits of Hormuz," said Rear Admiral Kevin Quinn, who is leading the troupe. "What is so special about this is that you have two equally talented casts. Everybody will see us because it is in daylight, and you can bet your sweet asses that this will be one ship-shape production, sailor."

Based on Gregory Maguire’s best-selling novel, the musical Wicked tells the story of a friendship between two girls: the blond and popular Glinda and the misunderstood green girl, Elphaba, whose destiny is to become the Wicked Witch of the West. Admiral Quinn said he hoped Iran did not get the wrong idea about America's intentions.

"I hope they don't get a message -- a wrong message -- and we certainly don't want any miscalculation on anybody's part on what we are doing," Quinn said. "The Navy's production of Wicked is only meant to set new records for long-running musicals in the region, and to keep the Persian Gulf open for the free flow of theater tickets at fair prices. Besides, we're really just trying to defend the rights of anybody, whether they're gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgender, or a sailor, to have the option to see a quality Broadway production."

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Bulk Purchase of Q-Tips Leads to Day-Long 'Eargasm'

By Billy Pilgrim, National Nitwit Rogue Editor

Gomez, in the throes of masturbatory hygiene

(Toledo, OH) Christina Gomez, 22, a local preschool teacher, has never been the most popular girl at school, and has had a long string of “dead-end dates” in recent months.

But it came as an utter shock when her bulk purchase of cotton swabs yesterday morning led to a long, erotic afternoon where she experienced countless eargasms.

“It was a day like any other day, really,” Gomez remarked while gently caressing her left earlobe. “I bought some groceries on my lunch break, and had every intention of returning to work, but then…it just happened. I started swabbing my ears, and it felt… it felt amazing. I just couldn’t stop myself.”

Gomez recalled that she coined the term ‘eargasm’ after many hours of sensuous wax removal.

“I lit a few candles, put on some Barry White, and drew a nice, hot bath,” Gomez explained. “I kept telling myself this is ridiculous, that it shouldn’t feel this good, but it was like an orgasm inside my head—my cochlea, Eustachian tube, even my anvil and hammer were quivering with pleasure. Maybe it wouldn’t be so great if I’d had sex once or twice in the past five months, but as it stands, it was the most glorious afternoon of my life.”

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Code Geek Struggles to Get People Freaked about Y10K

Islington: "Way tripping" over Y10K

(Dallas, TX) Systems programmer Randall Islington first learned about the potentially deadly coding snafu nearly a decade ago.

"Y10K scared me back then, and it scares me even more today," he admitted. "Eventually we are going to run out of 4-digit years, and then you are REALLY going to see the shit hit the fan."

The year 10,000 problem, or Y10K, is the collective name for all potential software bugs that may emerge as the need to express years with five digits arises. Islington said that his warnings have failed to rouse concern among his coworkers and friends.

"The Y10K problem cannot just be dismissed, as there are legitimate reasons to plan far into the future," he noted, citing software that examines the long term handling of nuclear waste. "And just how can the NFL prepare the next ten millenia of schedules with software that crashes due to date errors? Check and mate, sir."

Are YOUR real-time PC clocks Y10K compliant? What about your new microwave? Well???

Islington believes that the collective efforts to slve Y2K-related issues have "turned everyone into technology-trusting zombies."

"Everybody I talk with is all 'oh, they'll fix it in time' or 'dude, that's 8,000 years away' or 'get away from me, you spit-spraying paranoid geek,'" said the despondent coder, adding that programs like MS-Excel already have Y10K bugs. "But they don't realize just how close we came to Armageddon. Next time, Bunky? We aren't going to be so lucky."

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New Terror Rewards Card Offered by Bank of America

terror rewards card Left: Sample of new Terror Rewards Card

(New York) Bank of America announced that it has launched the Bank of America Terror Rewards Card -- the first credit card to be accepted for usage by members of global terror networks.

For the first time, Bank of America terrorist customers will benefit from the benefits and privileges of acceptance, as well as Bank of America's robust rewards program and outstanding service record.

"We are delighted to link up with al-Qaeda, Hezbollah, and other terror partners around the globe," said Bank of America Card Services President Bruce L. Hammonds. "Bank of America is now offering its high-spending militant customers greater choice through an exceptional new family of financial products."

Cardholders earn two points for each dollar spent on terror-related purchases, such as C-4, RPGs, and bazookas, while earning one point for other purchases.

For every US dollar spent using the card, militants earn one Skywards Mile which they can exchange for free flights, flight upgrades, or travel privileges with Skywards.

ANti-tank weaponsDestroy tanks, earn points

Islamic Army spokesman Abdurahman Sali hailed the BOA move as "progressive."

"For many, many years we have watched our purchases blow our enemies into tiny bits, while not benefitting from a loyalty-based rewards program," said Sali, polishing an AK-47. "Now we can carry out worldwide jihad and simultaneously create added value for our organizations. May Allah and Bank of America be praised."


Student’s Suicide Note Riddled with Clichés, Grammatical Errors

By Billy Pilgrim, National Nitwit Rogue Editor

Simmons and his pale vixen on their last evening together

(El Paso, TX)—University of Texas El Paso junior Chet Simmons chose to grimly end his life earlier this week, finally succumbing to years of depression, substance abuse, and an inability to communicate his feelings with friends and family members.

But perhaps what was even more tragic than Simmons’ untimely passing was his suicide note, which was so riddled with clichés, grammatical errors, and predictable statements of woe that it failed to adequately address the intense pathos of the moment.

“i can see no way out of this abysse [sic], and my world is crumbleing [sic] in like tin foil,” reads Simmons’ first unintelligible sentence. “I am takeing [sic] myself away from this rat race, and going too the starrs [sic] where freedoms our [sic].”

Indeed, those closest to Simmons seemed more horrified by his prosodic faux-pas than they were by his swift exeunt from the stage of life.

“I don’t know what’s more pathetic—the fact that Chet hung himself with a belt, or that he didn’t know the difference between ‘to’ and ‘too,’” huffed roommate and best friend Evan Ulston. “It’s hard to mourn a guy whose written command of the English language was weaker than a diaper-shitting mongoloid with Down's [Syndrome].”

A diaper-shitting mongoloid with Down Syndrome

Other members of Simmons’ inner circle reiterated their disappointment and resignation.

“That dumb fuck fancied himself a vampire poet for years despite the inability to form a goddamn sentence,” remarked older brother Vance, a paralegal in the greater Houston area. “I told him back at Christmas that he needed to get laid, see a shrink, and stop dressing like an underpaid renaissance fair actor, but once again, mom said I was the insensitive asshole. Now look what her precious baby boy has wrought.”

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Romney Blasts Immigration Bill, Calls for "Final Solution"

Mitt Romney, es lebe AmerikaLeft: Romney calls all American patriots to battle immigrant scourge

(Boston, MA) Massachusetts Governor Mitt Romney today issued a condemnation of the bipartisan effort rto eshape the nation's immigration laws and give millions of illegal immigrants legal status.

"Internationalization today means only illegal immigration. We in the United States have come to this: that a people sees its destiny to lie at the will of a few dozen bankers profiting from illegal aliens," he told reporters. "This was possible only because our civilization had first been immigrationized. The undermining of the American conception of personality by catchwords had begun long before, like 'human rights' and 'amnesty.'"

Romney issued a stern manifesto regarding the presence of "blood-sucking" illegal immigrants.

"We demand immediate expulsion of all illegals who have entered America since 1988, and of all those, too, who through trickery on the Stock Exchange or through other shady transactions have gained their wealth," he cried. "No salvation is possible until the bearer of disunion, the illegal immigrant, has been rendered powerless to harm!"

Romney, arm raised in a salute, called upon patriotic Americans to rise up against the "alien menace."

"Extremes must be fought by extremes. Against the infection of materialism, against the illegal alien pestilence we must hold aloft a flaming ideal," he shouted. "And if others speak of the World and Humanity we say the Fatherland - and only the Fatherland!"

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Image of Former Teen Idol Lance Kerwin Appears in Lawn

Image of Lance Kerwin in Toledo lawn Left: Apparition in lawn with resemblance to actor Lance Kerwin (click to enlarge)

(Toledo, OH) After cutting his grass last month, local resident Keith Szydlowski noticed what appeared to be a face peering back at him in the neatly-trimmed blades.

"I was totally spooked, at least until I saw that it was Lance Kerwin staring back at me," he laughed. "Then everything was OK."

Kerwin was perhaps best remembered for his starring role in the TV series James at 15, which debuted in 1977. Szydlowski said that he "never missed an episode" of the teen drama.

"Me and James - I mean Lance - we were a team," he reminisced, emptying the grass catcher. "Especially when he nailed that Swedish exchange student - I mean, whoa. That was some serious television, friend."

Left: Kerwin in a 1978 studio photograph

Kerwin, following a 1989 drug bust and a subsequent embracing of Christianity, no longer works as an actor. Szydlowski said that there is "no freaking way" he would try to profit from the strange lawn manifestation.

"Listen- there has to be a reason why this vision appeared to me, his biggest fan," he said, carrying a bag of clippings to the curb. "For me to try and sell this on eBay would be an abomination, man, of everything that Lance stood for. Besides, I can probably make a few bucks selling lemonade and souvenirs once word of this gets out."

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Rev. Jerry Falwell Dies of Aneurysm While Blowing Self

By Billy Pilgrim, National Nitwit Rogue Editor

Falwell: Preacher, politician, lover of own portrait and dong

(Lynchburg, VA)—Jerry Falwell, the conservative evangelical preacher whose name has become synonymous with fundamentalist Christian movements such as the Moral Majority, died of a brain aneurysm earlier this afternoon with his cock in his mouth. The reverend was 74.

According to sources at Liberty University—the evangelical liberal arts college Falwell established in 1971 that remains the most expensive fourth-tier institution in the South as ranked by U.S. News & World Report—the minister died in his office, with his erect penis only seconds away from ejaculating down his own throat.

“Reverend Falwell was the heart, soul, and conscience of this institution, and his loss is deeply, deeply felt,” remarked Jane Sutton, a spokesperson at Liberty. “In fact, his loss is as deeply felt as his wang, which the coroner tells us was buried a full three inches down his esophagus. It’s quite remarkable, really, that the reverend didn’t choke to death.”

The students at Liberty reiterated Sutton’s heartfelt bereavement, and expressed their sense of grief now that their patriarch’s passing has left them quite suddenly without a leader.

“He was so good at being, like, that blowhard bigot that reminded us all of our granddads,” reminisced sophomore Tim Dugan, who missed his afternoon classes for a prayer meeting upon receiving the sad news. “Who’s left to tell gays and unwed teenage moms how wrong they are, or quote the Bible out of context to further our agenda? Lord only knows. We can only pray that God sends us another white Southern male to offer this great nation his myopic interpretation of Scripture.”

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America's Dogs Call for National Bestialist Database

(Washington, DC) Concerned about what they described as an "explosion" of bestiality cases nationwide, thousands of the nation's canines marched on Washington calling for the creation of a national database of bestiality practitioners.

National Organization for the Protection Of Kennel Expatriates (NOPOKE) spokesmutt "Trevor" discussed his group's aims.

"We must keep pooches and owners informed and engaged about the problem of animal sexual abuse," he said, sniffing the pantlegs of National Nitwit reporters. "With advances in technology, every citizen and law enforcement officer will be able to search the latest information for the identity and location of known bestialists, and they can then be rounded up and torn to shreds by Rottweilers."

Trevor decried the "hidden shame" many dogs feel after being abused.

"The saddest thing in America is the sight of an abused dog, hopes dashed, a spirit broken like a raw wound open and bleeding," he said, lifting his leg to urinate on a nearby shrub. "It happens all too often in homes across America today, and most dogs, frankly, don't speak English. So there Patches sits, hind-end and self-esteem hurting like hell, while the rest of the family thinks she's got worms or something. And the worst part? Patches blames herself. It's America's nasty secret, and we demand it ends now."

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Why Did I Ever Ask God to Smite Me with Brain Cancer?

Heather Gliomador, brain cancer patient and totally bummed out woman Guest editorial by Heather Gliomador, cancer patient

After you broke up with me, Jake, things got a little crazy, and I said some things I regret that night.

Like how much of an asshole you were, and how that little bitch Meghan you hooked up with was a total slut, and a lot of other shit I don't remember because I got falling-down, stinking drunk.

But why, oh why, did I ever ask God to smite me with brain cancer?

Christ, if I'd have known He was actually listening for a change, I would have prayed for something more useful, like a BMW. Or at least I could have asked Him to pay you back with a nasty case of herpes or something.

But no. Not Heather. Heather had to go and stand in the rain, raise her arms to Heaven, and ask for a fucking medulloblastoma.

Xray of a really big medulloblastoma, a form of brain cancerTHIS sure was a great birthday present, I must say

Hey God - could You have recognized I was totally wasted, despondent about a breakup, and completely out of my gourd that night?

I have an urge to shout the phrase "FUCK ME" at the top of my lungs right about now, but I'm afraid Somebody will get the wrong idea. Again.

And no offense, oh Holy One, but I really do have a headache. Big time.

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Phil Spector to Audition for Role of Carol Brady

(Los Angeles) Though still on trial for the fatal shooting of actress Lara Clarkson, a bubbly Phil Spector told reporters that he hopes to take on a new challenge: playing Carol Brady in an off-Broadway production of The Brady Bunch.

"It's really kind of liberating, you know, playing someone as wholesome and, well, all-American as Carol Brady," Spector said, running his fingers through his Carol-esque blonde wig. "I've boffed many a housewife, but to actually become someone like Carol Brady? Just too cool, man."

Spector said that he "always had a thing" for actress Florence Henderson, who played Carol in the televison series.

"My ultimate dream, I must confess, would be some kind of crazy FFFFM orgy with all of the grown-up Brady women," he chuckled. "Add a couple of handguns, some blow, and the Red Hot Chili Peppers playing live while we screw, and THAT'S a party, mister."

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Giuliani to Nation: “I Have No Idea What the Fuck I Stand For”

By Billy Pilgrim, National Nitwit Rogue Editor

Giuliani: Less substance than a lobotomized Jersey blonde on Quaaludes

(Washington, D.C.)—Rudolph Giuliani, former mayor of New York and Republican presidential hopeful, made a surprising admission earlier this morning during a Houston, Texas visit on his campaign trail: he has “no idea what the fuck” he stands for, and is continually amazed at his soaring popularity.

“I would love to clarify my stance on abortion, as soon as I figure out what the fuck it is,” Giuliani remarked to a roomful of reporters and press agents. “Honestly, I’m still riding high on that whole 9/11 thing. You guys remember that? 9/11? When I saved the universe from space mutants? That shit was awesome.”

He also asserted that his platform on equally important issues is convoluted and shaky at best.

“Gays? Hate ‘em, but they deserve equal rights... unless it’s Opposite Day,” Giuliani chuckled. “But seriously, gun control, immigrants, Medicare—all that other stuff is beyond me. Hell, just last week I stood in the frozen food section of the grocery store staring at frozen pizzas like a drunk injun for half an hour. Four cheese, pepperoni, supreme... I had to buy two of each just to get the fuck out of there.”

Giuliani concluded by noting that he is continually impressed by the leadership of the Democratic opposition.

“I have to admit, folks,” the former mayor inquisitively intoned, “Hillary and Barack are both a lot better at this than me. Why, when we were all in the Holiday Inn hot tub last week, smoking a righteous bowl of ganja, I turned to Obama and said: ‘Dude, you look just like Jimi Hendrix. I’d vote for your ass in a minute.’ Then we all went to my room and watched Aqua Teen Hunger Force on TiVo. That shit is hilarious.”

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Carlos Mencia Continues Streak of Unfunny Racial Jokes

Carlos Mencia comedian By Billy Pilgrim, National Nitwit Rogue Editor

Mencia gestures awkwardly through his elementary playground material

(Los Angeles)—Carlos Mencia, the famed Hispanic stand-up and star of Comedy Central’s vastly popular Mind of Mencia, continued his streak of painfully unfunny jokes that reinforce racial stereotypes earlier this week when his show lumbered through yet another humorless episode.

Mencia attempted to justify his program’s appeal to the lowest human denominator.

“See, I’m a beaner, and my audience is a bunch of honkies and niggas and jews,” Mencia explained as he counted a stack of freshly minted hundreds that towered on his dressing room desk. “So if we can’t laugh at ourselves, and all of our obvious differences…DIT DA DEHHH. That’s the sound I make, like, thirteen times per show—I mock retards, too.”

Tonya Furling, an executive at Comedy Central, did her best to justify Mencia’s lack of style, insight, and talent.

“Comedy Central would love to have a show starring this generation’s Lenny Bruce, Richard Pryor, or George Carlin,” Furling remarked while adjusting her stockings. “And we had that with Dave Chappelle, until he went tribal and decided to have integrity. So now we have this pudgy ass-clown Mencia, who really seems to connect with the convict and preteen demographics.”

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Beetle Bailey to Explore the Lighter Side of Iraq War

Beetle Bailey in IraqLeft: Beetle Bailey hits Iraq (click to enlarge)

(New York) Long-running comic strip Beetle Bailey will begin to feature members of Camp Swampy being deployed to Iraq in the coming months, according to a press release from creator Mort Walker.

The strip will feature the hijinks of Beetle, Lieutenant Sonny Fuzz, and the rest of the Bailey gang as they relocate to a base outside of Baghdad.

"We have this one scene planned where Sergeant 1st Class Orville Snorkel gets a leg blown off by an IED. Just too much!" chuckled Walker. "And you wouldn't believe the craziness when Beetle accidentally discharges his rifle and blows some fucking kid's head off. Hilarious!"

Walker added that he has been cooking up "something pretty special" for Miss Buxley, the hot secretary to Brigadier General Amos T. Halftrack.

"We were first thinking we would have her taken hostage by some insurgent group and then beheaded," laughed Walker. "But we thought it would be funnier for her be shopping in a Baghdad market and get blown to smithereens by a sucide bomber. I drew this one panel with her bloody arm lying on the pavement and what's left of her torso being eaten by wild dogs, while a bunch of maggots are crawling out of her eye sockets. Come to think of it... this isn't very funny at all. What the fuck were we smoking when we dreamed this up, anyways? Good thing our readers don't give a shit."

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Producers for Reality TV Show Cast Jerks, Narcissists

By Billy Pilgrim, National Nitwit Rogue Editor

The cast of “Give Me Some Money”: A bunch of fucking punks

(Los Angeles)—When the directors, producers, and agents of the new reality show Give Me Some Money were in the arduous process of screening recent college graduates for their program, they struck upon a remarkable scheme: they would select a staggering array of pricks, drama queens, hedonists, and all-around douche bags to comprise their cast and thus keep weekly ratings through the roof.

The result has been nothing short of the most decisively wretched series to debut on network television since Big Brother.

“The whole premise of the show is that we take five kids from the inner city and give them each a million bucks,” explained Jan Hirschel, an R&D executive at Fox. “Then we follow them around 24/7 and watch them waste it on irrational purchases for about six months. You know, booze, pills, rimjobs—it runs the gamut. In the end, America votes for the candidate most deserving of another million so they can spend it all over again, but like, more wisely.”

Bunson: "Positively underwhelmed" by new reality television program

Richard Bunson, one of the few critics invited to an advanced screening, had this to say about his viewing experience.

“Where do I begin,” Bunson remarked while flamboyantly gesturing with a lit Virginia Slim. “Julio is gay and has a raging Barbie addiction, Tyrone wants to be a rapper and has a penchant for call girls, Mandy spends about ten grand a day on shoes, Mark blows everything on comic books and Sasha gets rhinoplasty 14 times. By all accounts, this is the most transparently banal show I’ve ever seen a network produce. God, I can’t wait for it to hit primetime.”

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Distant Military Dad Doles Out Discipline, Disappointment

By Billy Pilgrim, National Nitwit Rogue Editor

Cougar: A stern and threatening voice from the desert

(Amarillo, TX) Lance Corporal James Cougar knew when he received his deployment orders to Iraq just days after Christmas that the physical and emotional distance of war would put an immense strain on his family.

Cougar was especially worried about his 4-year-old son Zeke—who has already started to display behavioral problems—until he was struck by ingenious plan: each week he could upload a stern, judgmental podcast to keep his son “from being a goddamn brat” and therefore continue to share parental responsibilities with his wife Linda.

“At first I didn’t know what to do when I was re-upped, especially since Zeke’s behavior was total shit around the holidays,” Cougar reflected. “And then one day, outa nowhere, I got the idea to upload these like…like, discipline podcasts. Now my boy can still hear me scold him every night before bed.”

Linda Cougar echoed her husband’s sentiments, revealing that it has restored order and balance to their otherwise turbulent daily rituals.

Zeke Cougar: Slowly getting his shit together

“Zeke was a nightmare after Coug left, and it was a struggle, day-in and day-out, to simply get him to and from pre-school, let alone finish his dinner and brush his teeth before story-time,” Ms. Cooper stated. “This week we’re on our third podcast, though, and I can already see a huge improvement. When Zeke hears his father’s voice saying, ‘I’m really pissed at you, act like a big boy,’ it changes his whole demeanor. Thank God for technology.”

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Mitt Romney's Five Wives Extol His Family Values

Left: Former Massachusets governor Mitt Romney introducing four of his five wives to the media prior to last week's GOP debate

(Simi Valley, CA) After the Republican presidential candidate debate Thursday night at the Ronald Reagan Library, most of Mitt Romney's wives gathered to praise their husband's traditional morals.

"Mitt has never cheated on any of us, and he believes so much in family values that he supports not one but five families," enthused Sarah Romney, Mitt's third wife. "And you know that any politician with this many wives has to be patient and understanding. Mitt knows that plural marriage is the ultimate in family values."

Second wife Olivia Romney said that her husband's pro-life stance, a tenet of his Mormon faith, is one of the values that attracted her to him.

"Mitt has always believed in the sanctity of life, and he has never missed an opportunity to add more little Mitts to the planet," she said, patting her stomach where the nineteenth Romney gestates. "America cannot continue to lead the family of nations around the world if we suffer the collapse of the family here at home, and Mitt is doing his part by maintaining five families."

First wife Ann Romney admitted that she was a bit "confounded" when husband Mitt first broached the subject of adding more wives and children to the Romney family.

"I used to think that women suffered by polygamy, but then I saw so many beautiful women who were very willing to share a prosperous man that I came to the conclusion that smart women jumped into plural marriage," she said. "And, let's face it - Mitt recognized that there are many decent men in our country who would be willing and able to take care of struggling women and children and adopt them as their own. This reduces the need for the state to act as nanny, and gives each of us a piece of Mitt."

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Rosie O'Donnell - Hot Sex Pics

RosieO'Donnell lesbian sexLeft: Rosie O'Donnell in hot lesbian sex

(Columbus, OH) National Nitwit, America's premier site for prevaricative news, has obtained exclusive photos of Rosie O'Donnell, documenting the popular talk show host in lesbian orgies, FFM threesomes, FFFF foursomes, and assorted wild sex.

"Pretty much every type of hot Rpsie O'Donnell sex you could imagine is here," said Subcomandante Bob, editor of National Nitwit. "We have Rosie O'Donnell in girl-on-girl sex, outdoor sex, shower sex - brother, it's epic! You have never seen Rosie O'Donnell nude? Come on over, pal."

Hot lesbian sex with Rosie O'DonnellLeft: Threesome with Rosie O'Donnell and two lucky dudes

At press time, Rosie O'Donnell was unavailable for comment, said a spokesperson at the ABC, who added that the erstwhile entertainer is no longer working for The View.

"We were a little surprised, to say the least," said the ABC rep. "But you have to figure that a vivacious woman like Rosie O'Donnell would be interested in more than politics, Broadway, and Donald Trump."

Nude Rosie O'Donnell in 69 with a hot babeNude Rosie O'Donnell in 69 with a hot babe

The most popular of the Rosie O'Donnell nude photos has been one that was described by Subcomandante Bob as a "massive sex-off."

"Dude - it was like nothing I had ever seen before. Chicks having sex with chicks, threesomes, foursomes - just crazy sex everywhere!" the enigmatic editor enthused. "I'm just glad our photographers were able to capture all this wild Rosie O'Donnell sex for posterity - it was definitely a once-in-a-lifetime orgy."

Editor's note: Complaints from Rosie O'Donnell's management team forced Google to censor these pictures. Natonal Nitwit apologizes for this inconvenience, and hopes to resolve this temporary censorship through the legal system in order to bring you more hot sex pics of Rosie O'Donnell.

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God Declares Claudia Schiffer His Greatest Creation

By Billy Pilgrim, National Nitwit Rogue Editor

Claudia Schiffer: Glory, Glory, Hallelujah!

(Heaven)—God Almighty, the Alpha and Omega, maker of heaven and earth, announced earlier this morning that supermodel Claudia Schiffer is and forever will be His single greatest creation.

This proclamation took many by surprise, since it was the Lord’s first public statement since He testified against Saddam Hussein in December 2005.

“Look, I know you people have your Lindsay Lohans and Fergies and Jessica Biels now,” God remarked while healing a band of supplicant lepers in Indonesia. “But let Me just say what we all know to be the truth: those bitches have had more work done than a ’79 Impala. Schiffer’s the real deal.”

Our Heavenly Father elaborated by eloquently highlighting Schiffer’s physical splendor.

“She’s 5’ 11,” weighs 128 pounds, and speaks with a German accent,” God chuckled while reveling in His own perfection. “I don’t want to toot My own horn here, but if you find something hotter, I’ll eat My hat. And I don’t even own a hat.”

The Lord concluded by offering some historical perspective on Schiffer’s photogenic majesty.

“When Claudia hit newsstands in the early nineties, there wasn’t all this airbrush bullshit that we have today,” He intoned. “Here’s a little quiz. Guess who’s on the cover of the new Cosmo? Carrie Underwood. Guess how many pictures they had to splice to make her look hot? 17. Have fun whacking to Frankenwhore, morons. Me and Dean Martin have a few back issues of Elle up here that are simply off the hizzle. Now if you’ll excuse Me, I’m late for a dodo safari with [Jimi] Hendrix. Go in peace.”

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Investigative Report: Indian Reservations Still Pretty Much Suck

A National Nitwit Special Report

By Billy Pilgrim, National Nitwit Rogue Editor

In this age of terrorism, digital media, and global economies, most Americans can barely keep up with the pace of life. Indeed, many struggle to find time for family and friends amidst the hectic tempo of the “daily grind.”

Wind River Reservation Cemetery, Wyoming: desolate as a motherfucker

One byproduct of this whiplash cultural velocity is that many folks have completely forgotten about the plight of American Indians, who, for nearly three centuries, have been relegated to destitution, depression, and alcoholism on bleak, inerrable reservations. And according to a recent investigation by the National Nitwit, reservations suck just as bad—if not worse—than they did a hundred years ago.

“Oh man, does this place suck,” remarked John Hawkfeather, one of the 5,000 Arapaho who meagerly subsist on the Wind River Reservation in Wyoming. “My brother Vince blew his brains out back in ’97, my sister Alice will fuck anything that moves, and most of my days are spent selling Sacagawea t-shirts to middle schoolers on field trips. This country like, genocided my forefathers, and I can’t even get a loan to attend community college.”

Other members of the tribal community echoed Hawkfeather’s drab assessment of the native condition.

“For most folks, a sucky day is if their server goes down at work, or they get in an argument with their spouse,” remarked Becky Lake, one of the small but proud number of Eastern Shoshone at Wind River. “But we live in the goddamn desert. You know those tumbleweeds you see in westerns? Pal, that shit blows past my house everyday. Last week, our only goat strangled himself by tangling up his tether. Talk about symbolism. God, this place sucks.”

And given the history of federal ambivalence to the American Indian community, one is left to wonder if any concrete, positive change lay in the foreseeable future.

Left: Senator Craig L. Thomas: “Indians can suck my old wrinkled balls”

American legislators are also beginning to notice the problems faced by many who live on these sucky reservations.

“You know, Indians complain a lot about how reservations suck, but what are they doing for themselves?” retorted Wyoming senator Craig L. Thomas, his hands jittery from age. “For Christ’s sake, we stopped sending the cavalry after ‘em years ago, and they get their allotment of powdered milk and government cheese just like the blacks. So forgive me if I don’t see the problem here. All this gorgeous desert land in Wyoming, and they’ve squandered it—case closed. If there’s anything that sucks here, it’s that these red devils don’t have an attitude of gratitude.”

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