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The Undecided Voter: America’s Mighty Dumbass

An Exclusive National Nitwit Election Investigation

By Billy Pilgrim, National Nitwit Rogue Editor

Enie, Meenie, Miny, Moe…

(Washington, D.C.) With only two short weeks until Election Day, Americans from every part of the political spectrum are anxiously awaiting the appointed hour when they can hit the polls and have their voice be heard.

That is with the exception of undecided voters, who, after one of the longest and most divisive presidential contests in U.S. history, still have no fucking clue which candidate suits them best.

“I just…you know…this is just like…really hard,” explained Sara Baxter, 32, a junior bank executive and mother of two in the D.C. suburbs. “I mean, the economy is really important, and Obama has a plan to fix it, but McCain has a plan, too. And so…you can see the pickle I’m in, right?”

And while many news agencies have done their best to educate the lowest common denominator in our democracy, dedicating endless hours of airtime to round-table discussions with undecided voters in crucial swing states such as Ohio, Michigan, Virginia, and Pennsylvania, many political scientists are growing weary of this excessive pandering.

“How does any adult with an I.Q. over twelve not know where they stand on the war, education, healthcare, and the best way to fix our tanking economy,” bemoaned Dr. Steven Kiplinger, Assistant Professor of Political Science at George Mason University. “I mean, I much rather someone strongly disagree with my personal views and pull the lever for the other guy than whine like a little bitch right up to the eleventh hour. When did Obama and McCain announce their candidacies? 2006, was it? Have these fucking soccer moms and college freshmen been living under one big rock for the past 18 months? Now I’ve gone and got all worked up again—excuse me while I fetch my friend Johnny Walker. He always calms me down.”



McCain to Nation: “I Hate My Own Party”

By Billy Pilgrim, National Nitwit Rogue Editor

The Lagging Senator: Genius or Schizophrenic?

(Washington, D.C.)—With polls across American showing Republican presidential nominee John McCain slipping drastically behind his opponent Barack Obama—in large part to the steady decline of the U.S. economy—the veteran senator unveiled a risky speech earlier this morning in a last-ditch effort to woo independent voters: he vented his loathing for his own Republican Party.

“My friends, you’ve called me a maverick for years, and with three weeks left in this election, let me don that mantle once again,” McCain intoned at a rally in central Michigan. “Not only do I disagree with the policies of the Bush Administration, and the hardcore cronyism of Washington, but I now vow, before the American people I so deeply love, that I disown the very Republican Party I represent. As the next Republican president of the United States, I promise to fix the economic wreckage of these Republicans.”

While many undecided voters met this announcement with mixed reactions, it is clear McCain’s once-narrow deficit has grown into a chasm, particularly in battleground states such as Wisconsin, Minnesota, and Colorado. This move is seen by many as a final attempt to convince independents that McCain is capable of generating the sweeping reforms so desperately needed in the Oval Office.

“My friends, only by putting a Republican in the White House can we undo the damage done by Republicans,” McCain boomed. “After all, who is best suited to cleanse us of the broken politics of the past than a man who was a principal backer of the broken politics of the past? You people realize Obama is black, right?”

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Congress Proposes Car Wash Initiative to Salvage Economy

By Billy Pilgrim, National Nitwit Rogue Editor

Congress: Washing the Grime of Debt Away

(Washington, D.C.)—After a week of intense negotiations and failed bi-partisan dealings, Congress seems to have struck upon an ingenious and comprehensive solution to our nation’s substantial economic woes: they plan to hold a car wash on the steps of the Capitol.

“This is the sort of innovative thinking that has been missing from government for years, and frankly, it’s about time us elected officials rolled up our sleeves,” explained Congressman Barney Franks (D-MA) while filling a bucket of suds in the men’s room. “In a few short hours, the legislators of this great nation will roll up their sleeves, dunk their sponges, and scrub our way out of this paramount crisis. That is, of course, with the exception of Nancy Pelosi—her only job is to wear a bikini and occasionally squeal when I squirt her with the hose.”

While such an endeavor seems an impossibly naïve solution to combat billions of dollars in “toxic debt” and restore international faith in the American banking establishment, most officials remain doggedly optimistic about this plan’s potential success.

“You know, my daughter’s marching band raised $573 last summer for new tubas through a car wash,” boasted Senator Norm Coleman (R-MN). “So if we request a modest donation of $10 million per driver, we should be in the black by Halloween. Besides, the alternatives are just dismal— President Bush’s bailout would be an utter failure, and John Kerry’s bake sale idea was just plain stupid. Man, I hate those Yale bastards.”

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