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Man Finds Fantasy Golf Sucks Worse than Watching TV Golf

Greenlee remains unimpressed

(Terre Haute, IN) Local sports afficianado Terry Greenlee said that he has long "tried to like professional golf," but has yet to find a way to get excited about the sport.

Greenlee even tried entering a pair of fantasy golf leagues to give him an extra reason to follow the sport, but even this angle leaves him "wanting more."

"Let's face it - golf's a pretty boring game," he noted, poring over a spreadsheet. "And in both leagues the golfer with the lowest real-life score in a round receives 20 points, while the other golfers receive 2 fewer points for every stroke they finish behind the leader. Man - can a fantasy game get any fucking duller than this? You'd think they could throw in 10 points for an eagle or something."

Greenlee, who said he likes playing golf, said that his season is "totally screwed" on both leagues due to a "bullshit" rule.

"Check out this shit - 'each golfer in fantasy golf can be an active member of your team in no more than 10 tournaments,'" he read from the rules of Yahoo! Fantasy Golf. "Can you imagine drafting Peyton Manning and playing him only on the home games? I think not. But here we are, not even halfway through the season, and I have to bench Tiger-fucking-Woods. Screw me."

Woods: Riding the fantasy pine

Worst of all, added Greenlee, is the lack of name recognition of the players he is now reduced to starting as the second half of the season approaches.

"I've got shleps playing with names like Vance Veazey, Duffy Waldorf, and Dicky Pride," he listed, obvious disgust creeping into his voice. "Dicky Pride? Are you kidding me? A name like 'Dicky Pride' would even suck for a porn star."

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Libya's Gaddafi Signs Up as a NASCAR Sponsor

(Washington, DC) The United States, which recently restored full diplomatic relations with Libya and removed the North African country from its list of state sponsors of terrorism after 27 years, also opened up new corporate opportunities for the Libyans.

Libyan leader Muammar Gaddafi indicated that his country will embark on a new program of NASCAR sponsorship.

"We are very big fans of NASCAR, and we follow the Nextel Cup Series very closely," said Gaddafi. "My personal favorite is Sterling Marlin, although he did say some rather unkind things about Arabs after 9/11."

Gaddafi said that Libya's previous sponsorship of terrorists "just wasn't working out."

"Ideologically, you know, we are close," he admitted, noting that he's looking at "two or three big names" to fill his driver's seat. "But where is the return on investment? We gave the Lockerbie bombers almost a half million dollars, and it was like flushing money down the toilet. All we got was bad press, sanctions, and lawsuits, and the bastards didn't even wear our logo like they promised. Bah!"

The decision to invest in NASCAR, said Gaddafi, was a simple one.

"Listen, friend - every lap those gas-guzzling 5.8 liter beasts make is another dime in old Muammar's pocket," he winked. "And when your children get in their own cars and rev their engines at the stoplight, we clean up. It's a win-win-win, sahib."

Left: Gaddafi's "Jihadi Camry" pulled a 4.924 second pass at 254.95 mph at Daytona last week

Gaddafi is hoping that his country can muscle its way into the competitive marketing world of NASCAR.

"Lowe's just announced a multi-year extension of its primary sponsorship of Hendrick Motorsports and the No. 48 Chevrolet driven by Jimmie Johnson," he said. "We believe that Jimmie will come around quick to placing our flag on his Chevy, especially when he sees the petrodollars we will be waving."

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New Harry Potter Cover Depicts BDSM, Gay Porn

(New York) The publisher of the seventh and last Harry Potter book has unveiled the cover of the new book, which features the boy wizard flinching at the site of a dominatrix with an aquaamrine-colored dildo.

Harry Potter Takes it up the Arse - HARD, the much-anticipated final installment of the Potter series by British writer JK Rowling, is due to go on sale at midnight on July 21.

The cover art of the newest book was created by illustrator Marie GrandPierre, who painted the covers for the other six books in the series.

"The front cover of Harry Potter Takes it up the Arse - HARD features Harry and chums getting jiggy with each other. It depicts 17-year-old Harry giving a companion a reacharound," publisher Scholastic said in a statement. "The structures around Harry show evident debauchery and in the shadows behind him, we see outlines of other people doing naughty things."

Author Rowling said that she quickly got over her reservations about Potter's newly-awakened, alternative sexuality.

"I figured, what the hell - he's 17, he's got the hormones and whatnot - let's let him have a turn at some rough man sex with another yob," she said, crushing out a cigarette. "And the bit with the dominatrix and the strapon - that's just too rich. Serves the smarmy bugger right, if you ask me."

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Study Finds Gay People Cleaner, More Friendly

A National Nitwit Exclusive Report

By Billy Pilgrim, Completely Hetero Rogue Editor

(Washington, DC)—While the debate on human sexuality continues to be a divisive one in American culture, and the nature versus nurture controversy remains unresolved, a recent study may fan flames on both sides of the issue: results show that homosexuals have, overall, more hygienic lifestyles and are statistically more cordial than heterosexuals.

Being gay in America: clean, polite, and no civil rights

Dr. Rebecca Mohr, lead psychologist on the George Washington University study, offered a captivating summary of her research.

“We examined a large swath of the population—men and women, young and old—and it turns out most straight Americans are just stinky, loud-mouth assholes,” Mohr remarked while adjusting her thick-framed glasses. “You should have seen the heterosexual college students we interviewed. Most of them were drunk at 9 a.m., reeked of bar smoke, and were meaner than a sackful of hungry rats. The gay kids were all here 10 minutes early and brought little mints to share. I mean, you don’t need a PhD to figure this stuff out.”

With nearly 600,000 same-sex couples in American as of the 2000 Census, and estimates that show 1-3% of the entire United States population is gay, lesbian, or transgendered, leaders in the gay community are hoping this recent study will finally offer some degree of validation in mainstream discourse.

“Jesus, it’s about time someone took the time to do this research,” remarked a jubilant John Ianesco, a spokesperson for the Gay & Lesbian Advocates & Defenders (GLAD). “We have to live with this shit everyday, but of course no one wants to hear it. Some asshole flips you off in traffic while chatting on his cell phone? Straight. Some woman with B.O. cuts in front of you at the grocery store? Hella straight. A complete stranger shares his umbrella at the crosswalk and compliments your shoes? Gay. I only hope future generations of queers and queens have it easier.”

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Israeli, Palestinian Leaders Agree on a Large Mushroom Pizza

(Jersusalem) Israeli and Palestinian leaders agreed yesterday to hold confidence-building talks every two weeks that would include the purchase of mushroom pizzas.

An official in Prime Minister Ehud Olmert's office, pausing to pull one of those stringy cheese gobs from his chin, made clear that substantive negotiations on statehood would not be on the agenda for now.

"The issues we discuss would be security, humanitarian aid, and whether or not to try anchovies," the official said. "I'm pretty sure that's an animal that does not chew its cud or have cloven feet."

The hope is the regular meetings and pizza-eating between the two leaders will lead to what US Secretary of State Condoleeza Rice said would be "two states living side by side in peace and security."

"The parties will also begin to discuss the development of an agreement whereby pizza delivery personnel could freely travel without fear of car bombs or getting detained at checkpoints," Rice said. "There's no way in hell you can get a decent pizza here in a half-hour when the pizza guy has an AK-47 to his head. And really - you want eat a cold pizza that some grubby border guard put his hands all over? Do you see any hand sinks in those border huts? I don't think so."

West Bank pizza would benefit from a peace plan

Rice it clear that the process had been complicated by the inclusion of Hamas in a recently formed Palestinian "unity government."

"The last two delivery guys got kidnapped and held for ransom," she complained, wiping a spot of sauce from her blouse. "And most pizza shops won't even deliver here because of these Hamas jokers. And, let's face it - I've seen some lousy tippers before, but these fuckers are so cheap they wash the paper plates when we're done eating."

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Toxic Chemicals Found in Rat Poison

(New York) An toxic ingredient was discovered this week in rat poison that causes rodent kidney failure, and which was blamed for the deaths of millions of American rats.

Rats across the nation were rechecking nearby cabinets and threatening legal action against manufacturers like d-CON.

"What kind of psychotic freak would create something that smells so good, but which is designed to kill a living creature?" asked 'Whiskers,' a denizen of the New York sewer system. "Before they put this stuff in the boxes, there should be some kind of test. You know, there’s a certain trust that food is food and poison is poison, and it’s not supposed to get mixed in together."

Whiskers said that he is puzzled over the motivations of the designers of products with hidden abilities to kill mice and rats.

"What kind of sick, twisted people could sit around calmly, in safety and comfort, while planning the murders of thousands of innocents," he said, nibbling a proffered piece of cheddar. "And all of this just to further their own extremist views, which hold that no other creatures but themselves should be allowed to exist on the Earth? OK, besides Dick Cheney. If you ask me, it's the murderous humans that should be exterminated."

Oh, the animality

Whiskers said that he feels "betrayed" by the events surrounding the poison scare.

"I felt dirty and disappointed because people from my own culture had turned against me," he said, licking the ground for crumbs. "It felt like being smacked across the face by my own paw. People always tell me that I am "pretty" or whatever, but I can't believe it anymore. I need someone to tell me the truth for a change."

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God to Infertile Couple: "Stop Trying, the World is Full"

A guest editorial by The Alpha and Omega; transcribed from a vision given to Billy Pilgrim

(San Quentin, TX)—Jim and Barbara, I know you have been struggling for the past three years, and have dedicated every fiber of your being to have a child of your own.

But as your Creator, I’m telling you to stop. Throw in the towel. After $35,000 wasted on fertilization procedures and endless rutting, you need to cut your losses. The world is full, and I’m not giving you a baby.

Back in the Dark Ages, all I needed to do is whip up a plague, and boom: a million peasants gone. But now, there are amazing new drugs for influenza and tuberculosis, so even lepers are living longer, happier lives. I just read an issue of Newsweek while I was sitting in the can, and found out they cured polio back in ‘53. Go figure - hey, thanks for the update, Seraphim!

By the way, thank ME for the car bomb, guys — it’s on the front lines of overpopulation, taking one soul at a time.

Left: Barbara's womb of woe

I didn’t plan for it to get this bad. Shit, I only started with two humans, and look where we are. They also gave retarded names to all of the animals I made. You know the cheetah? I planned to call that baby Superpussy. But I digress.

Consider adoption. Visit sick children in a hospital. Take flowers to the elderly, and feed pigeons in the park. There are plenty of people who need love and kindness, so stop fretting over your reproductive failure. There are more important things in life than Jim’s sad, broken sperm, swimming upstream against the tsunami of futility.

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Guantanamo Detainees Relish Opening of New Subway Restaurant

By Billy Pilgrim, National Nitwit Rogue Editor

(Guantanamo Bay, Cuba)—After four years of dehumanizing conditions and seeming indifference from the international community, the Arab detainees at Guantanamo Bay finally have something to celebrate: their very own Subway® franchise.

This is the first time in recorded history that a U.S. restaurant chain has opened a branch in a hostile militarized zone (apart from the Vatican McDonald's), but company executives are optimistic that their gamble will pay huge dividends in 2007.

And while many critics have blasted this decision as “a crass, opportunist power-play,” the prisoners are clearly energized by the diverse, low-fat menu they now enjoy.

“Jared is an inspiration, pure and simple,” remarked a plump Abu Al Meroli, an Afghan prisoner who was captured in late 2003 smuggling explosives across the Pakistani border. “I’ve eaten nothing but carbs, carbs, carbs for the past 24 months, so it will do wonders for my self-esteem to have a lo-cal turkey wrap to start my day, every day. Allah be praised."

Left: Detainees showing joy at hearing of new Subway

The new menu has also eased tensions for prison guards, who often endure 12-hour shifts for weeks without the comforts of home and family.

“I tell ya, these subs have worked wonders around this joint,” stated Sgt. Bob Harker, a reservist from Oklahoma. “For years we've had to beat these terrorist fucks with belts and smear them with horse shit just to keep them passive. But now when they smell oregano-and-herb Italian bread baking in the mess tent, they’re calmer than a litter of retarded kittens. All I can say is, may God bless the Earl of Sandwich.”

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Rove and Miers Totally Cracking up Over How Much "Subpoenas" Sounds Like "Penis"

(Washington, DC) The US Senate today authorized subpoenas compelling Bush administration officials to give sworn testimony to Congress regarding the circumstances under which eight federal prosecutors were fired in December.

The news brought rounds of heavy laughter from political advisor Karl Rove, former White House counsel Harriet Miers, and embattled US Attorney General staffer Kyle Sampson, all of whom noted the phonetic similarity between "subpoena" and the word "penis."

"Hey - play that shit again!" laughed Rove, watching a videotape of Senate majority leader Harry Reid speaking to reporters. "That's fucking hilarious. Listen up: 'sub-penis.' Huh-huh, huh-huh. He said 'sub-PENIS.' Cool."

Miers, catching the poetic possibilities, joined in on the West Wing hijinks.

"My bunghole will eat now. You must prepare a feast fit for the almighty bunghole," she said, pulling her shirt over her head like a hood. "Would you like a spatula... for your bunghole? You can take me, but you cannot take my bunghole. For I have no bunghole. I am the Great Cornholio!"

Check it out - that place is, like, huge 'n stuff

Rove scoffed at the idea that Reid and Senate Democrats would try to call the White House advisors..

"What a dumbass. Hey, Harriet - when that guy was leading us down here, huh huh, he touched my butt," he said of a White House security agent. "Whoa! I think I just figured something out - this like, sucks. This sucks more than anything that has ever sucked before."

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Britney: "Can't Wait to Score Some Crack"

Spears: Ready to get ballin'

(Los Angeles, CA) Pop star Britney Spears left a Los Angeles alcohol and drug rehabilitation facility today after one month of treatment. She told National Nitwit reporters that she is fired up and ready to binge.

"I feel great! There's nothing like a month to get your head together and clean out your system," she said, pausing to make a quick call to her dope man Tino. "I was getting kind of crazy there, but I totally have my crack use under control now. I can't wait to get my hands on an eight ball and get completely wasted. It's a good thing I learned how to manage my drugs."

Spears checked out of the Promises Malibu Treatment Center at about 1:00 pm EST, and by 1:10 she had scored some rock.

"I still owed my man a thousand bucks, and he wanted that up front before he would agree to drive over here. It was either that, or he wanted to videotape me giving him a blowjob," she said, cleaning resins out of her pipe. "Lucky for me I grabbed some cash at the bank on the way home, 'cuz I blew all my dope money just before I went into rehab. The good news is the kids will be gone all weekend, so I can have me one hell of a blast."

Britney Spears firing up the crack pipe

The pop singer said that she learned a lot about herself during her trip to rehab.

"It's important to take a day or two off between binges, 'cuz smoking crack 24/7 is a good way to make you paranoid," she said, exhaling, looking out the bedroom window, and repeatedly scratching her arms. "But I've learned how to have a good time and still be a good mom. I know that I have to make sure the kids are with a babysitter before I fire up the stem."

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Missing Scout Michael Auberry Survives 72-Hour Zelda Withdrawal

(McGrady, NC) Searchers with the help of a sharp-nosed dog named Gandalf today found a 12-year-old Boy Scout who had disappeared into the North Carolina wilderness over the weekend.

Michael Auberry wasn't crying out for help, and he appeared to be in good physical condition, despite over three days without his Wii and his favorite Legend of Zelda game.

"We have our missing Boy Scout - he is alive," ranger Tina White said. "It took him a minute to realize we were there for him. He was writhing on the ground, saying'...need... Wii... Zelda..' and stuff like that."

Joe Ware, Assistant Fire Chief in McGrady, said the boy told the rescue team that picked him up that he had survived Wii withdrawal by imagining the video games in his head.

"He was kind of delirious, being without Zelda, Link, and all those wacky Hyrule adventures for so long," said Ware of the young Auberry. "And you know - in the new Wii Zelda game Link's beast form behaves about the same as the human form, as far as combat goes, but you can't use all those items you find. Good thing Michael had his memories, or he might not have survived."

Left: Auberry spent over three days without Link's mystical Master Sword, needed to defeat Ganon

Michael's father Kent Auberry believes that the Zelda game may have saved his son's life.

"These games teach about heroism, fighting evil, and having the courage to stand up and do what is right," he said, wiping away a tear. "Now, Michael didn't have to exhibit any of these qualities in the woods, but if he ever needed to seal Vaati with the Four Sword, I have no doubt that he would have been totally prepared."

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Man Finds Online Degrees No Help in Finding Online Jobs

(Kansas City, MO) It took Kevin Yeagher just three years to earn both his BA and MA online degrees from the University of Phoenix, but the would-be business management executive is struggling to find online employment.

"Pretty much every company I've sent resumes to wants people to drive to their headquarters," he said, starting a pot of coffee. "I thought the whole point of online degrees was to be able tap into emerging e-markets and e-commerce, not to get stuck for 30 years working in some crappy cubicle in an ugly concrete building in some God-forsaken industrial park. Fuck that."

Yeagher said that he was "pretty shocked" to find out that many prospective employers expect face-to-face interviews.

"Look - if you're going to trust me enough to pay me $50K, why do we have to waste time in a stupid interview?" he asked, pouring the afternoon's first cup of java. "Let me get going, selling your Widgets to Taiwan or whatever the fuck you're hiring me to do, you know?"

Yeagher's ready to help somebody's e-business take off

Yeagher, who said that he sometimes goes weeks without leaving his apartment, added that he is "disappointed" with the lack of awareness by the companies he has investigated of the new realities of employer-employee relationships.

"Every one of these idiots thinks it's 1950, and they want a bunch of mindless drones in cheap suits to fill up their oversized office complexes," he said, shaking his head. "I feel bad for them, because they're all dinosaurs. They just don't know they are extinct."

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Scoutmaster Fuming that Missing Scout Got Himself Lost

Neary: Missing scout "a little slow"

(Wilkesboro, NC) Authorities continued to search for 12-year-old Boy Scout Michael Auberry, who has been missing since Saturday. Scoutmaster Fred Neary told reporters that he was "disappointed" in Auberry's inability to find his way out of the Blue Ridge Parkway National Park.

"Look - we drill this stuff week in and week out. My boys sleep with their compasses and their maps," he said, looking through a pair of binoculars for the missing Scout. "It just looks bad for the rest of the troop when one of them turns retarded like this."

Auberry, of Greensboro, NC, remained at the campsite with an adult while the other scouts went for a hike. Neary said there should be "no excuses" made for Auberry's poor judgment.

"How the hell does someone get lost at the camp?" he asked. "That's like drowning in a goddamn puddle, or choking on a piece of spaghetti. What's wrong with this kid, for Chrissakes?"

Auberry not earning merit badges this weekend, that's for sure

Neary added that, as far as he's concerned, the entire membership of Troop 230 has been "a bunch of whiny pantywaists."

"As soon as they found out Mr. Moron turned up missing, a few of them actually started crying," he said, shaking his head in disgust. "If I'd known I was going into the woods with a bunch of little girls, I'd have brought my freaking EasyBake oven. Look - life's tough out there, and sometimes Scouts never make it back home. Grow up and toughen up, men!"

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Jilted Pedophile Angry, Hurt after Being Dumped for Younger Man

(Terre Haute, IN) Craig Baxter believed that he and his junior high sweetheart had "the perfect relationship." That, at least, was until ex-girlfriend Kylee Andersson delivered him a breakup letter last week, sealed with a heart-shaped Bratz Passion sticker.

"We shared everything together - long AIM chats, telephone calls in the middle of the night, going shopping at the mall while I pretended to be 'Daddy' to keep the security guards from getting freaked," the 55-year-old accountant said. "But I guess when Kylee's profile said that she was a 'mature' 12-year-old, she was just stringing me along. And her whole 'Best Friends Forever' bullshit? Lies, just lies."

Baxter met Kylee in a room at TeenChatPlanet.com, and he said the two "hit it off right away."

"We shared a lot of the same interests: hanging out with our teen friends, keeping special secrets, and dreaming of finding that one true love," he reminisced, wiping away a small tear. "That, and freaky motel sex. Or so I thought, because the next thing I know she's hooked up with some 25-year-old skateboarding asshole who delivers pizzas. PIZZAS! I mean - what is she thinking? What kind of security is there in that?"

Visits to the mall will never be the same for the forlorn Baxter

Most importantly, said Baxter, he is going to be "more careful" in the future as he assesses his love interests.

"Honestly, my roller-coaster ride with Kylee has taken more out of me than any of the other young girls I've dated," he admitted, glasses fogging up at painful memories. "I'm not just going to put my soul out there like that for every Missy or Jamie who comes along, and you can bet I'm going to have to think twice if Kylee calls, begging me to take her back. A guy can only give so much or his heart, you know, before it breaks forever."

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Man Hits Personal-Best 112 Home Runs on Orbitz Baseball Ad

(Poughkeepsie, NY) Steve Torrance first came across the Internet popup ad for Orbitz Baseball two weeks ago, and he has been hooked on the "Swing for the Fences" game/ad ever since.

The unemployed truck driver smacked a personal-best 112 home runs on Orbitz Baseball this afternoon, earning thunderous applause from the crowd.

"It's a lot like the regular game, except you either strike out or hit home runs," he said, smacking a low slider into the left-center field seats in Orbitz Stadium. "The key to the game, though, is keeping your cool, especially when the Orbitz pitcher gets cocky after he slips a pitch by you. You get rattled and you're screwed, man."

Torrance, who spends two to three hours a day on the game, advises new players to wait for their pitch and not start chasing outside breaking balls.

"Rookies start trying to outguess the pitcher, who's a crafty old salt with a wicked split-fingered fastball," he said, taking a pitch high and inside. "Use a nice, level swing and take your best cut. If you get even a piece of the pitch, it's out of the park, so don't try to muscle it, bro."

Torrance steps up to the plate and stares down the punk-ass Orbitz hurler

Another trap for new sluggers, said Torrance, is allowing the big-league experience to unnerve them.

"When that ump shouts 'STEEEEE-RIKE!' it can get pretty hectic up at the plate," he admitted, blasting a knuckleball into the upper deck amid cheers from the Orbitz crowd. "When you put that Orbitz uniform on, you better be ready to keep a level head and do your job. That's about all a professional can do against tough competitors like the Orbitz pitchers."

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Al-Qaeda Suspect Says He Beheaded Pearl Bailey

Left: Pearl Bailey an al-Qaeda victim?

(Guantanamo Bay) The alleged al-Qaida mastermind behind the 9/11 attacks, Khalid Sheikh Mohammed, boasted of being personally responsible for decapitating American singer Pearl Bailey five years ago, in a new transcript released by the Pentagon.

The claim comes on top of 30 other al-Qaida operations he said he been involved in.

"I decapitated with my blessed right hand the head of the American singer, Pearl Bailey, in the city of Washington, DC," the transcript quotes him as saying. "Allah will never forgive Pearl for becoming the spokesperson in that awful series of Duncan Hines commercials in the 1970s. My God - what was she thinking?"

Bailey made her Broadway debut onstage in the hit St. Louis Woman in 1946. She won a Tony Award for the title role in Hello, Dolly! in 1968, and her cover of "It Takes Two to Tango" hit the top ten in 1952. Mohammed said that the decision to kill Pearl Bailey was all his.

"It is clear that Pearl Bailey was very close to Mossad, and for that reason alone she had to die," he said. "But when she had to sell out and do voices for Disney's The Fox and the Hound, that made it easy for me to snuff her like a 25 cent First Communion candle."

Khalid Sheikh MohammedKhalid Sheikh Mohammed: No fan of Disney

Mohammed said that there were other targets on his hit list whose lives were spared by his 2003 arrest in Pakistan.

"Allah would have been most pleased if I had killed that FreeCreditReport.com Jew usurer," he acknowledged. "And there would have been a special place in Paradise for me if I had the time to behead Andrew Dice Clay, although I did like that one nursery rhyme of his: 'Three Blind Mice, See how they run. Where the fuck are they going?' That one makes me laugh every time!"

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Rob Thomas Struggles to Recall Which Shitty ‘90s Band He Fronted

By Billy Pilgrim, National Nitwit Rogue Editor

Thomas: Crummy singer, crummier memory

(Los Angeles, CA)—B-list singer Rob Thomas, voice of disposable radio pop such as “Smooth” and “This is How a Heart Breaks,” suffered a massive lapse in memory earlier this morning when he strained to remember what shitty ‘90s band he had formerly fronted.

The irony, according to one source, is that Thomas’ California studio home is literally inundated with Matchbox Twenty trinkets, framed albums, and tour memorabilia, making this temporary amnesia even more bizarre.

“Dude, for the life of me, I can’t remember which one of those god-awful ass-bands I sang for,” Thomas whined while riffling through a stack of CDs. “Gin Blossoms? No, too gay. Blink 182? They were too punk for my range. Third Eye Blind? Fuck, that might have been it. I think we had a number in our name.”

Thomas attempted to defend his poor memory by citing his frantic, rock-and-roll lifestyle.

“You know, I did have a Heineken backstage once in ’98—I remember that clearly—so maybe all that booze like, fucked up my brain n’ stuff,” Thomas pondered. “I mean, have you ever seen one of those Heineken bottles? There’s twelve solid ounces of Dutch booze in there, my friend. Not for the faint of heart. Maybe it was the Counting Crows…those guys sucked pretty bad.”

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Store Owner Refuses to Toss Last Slice of Stale Pizza

Left: Still waiting for a hungry customer

(Columbus, OH) According to Stop-N-Go owner Ralph Heddinger, there is "nothing wrong" with the slice of pizza left in the warmer overnight, and he plans to keep the product in the display case until it gets sold.

"Listen - that machine maintains a steady 160 degrees, so there's no reason we can't sell it," he insisted, spraying some vegetable oil on the slice to shine it up. "It's a perfectly good piece of merchandise, and I'll be damned if I'm going to take a loss on it."

The slice in question was part of a whole pizza cooked the previous evening by overnight manager Alicia Perkins, who neglected to throw out the last piece.

"Someone is bound to come in and want a slice of pizza," said Heddinger, glancing at his watch. "And I want to be ready when that someone shows up, even if I have to wait until noon."

Left: Heddinger is always cognizant of food costs and runs a tight ship

Heddinger blames a pack of local teens for the leftover pizza dilemma.

"We always run a 2-for-1 pizza slice special, which works great since there are six slices per pizza," he said, pointing to a nearby cutting board. "But these little punks come in here with, like, 68 cents and want to buy a single slice. Screws us up all the time."

If no one buys the slice by noon, added Heddinger, he will buy it himself.

"I'll be damned if I will sit by and watch food go to waste," he said. "Besides, there's always drunks rolling in here. They'll eat up just about anything. Last week I watched this hopped-up fool down three Jumbo Dogs that had been on the roller grill so long they looked like beef jerky. Never batted an eye, and he even thanked me for having food ready at 5 am."

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I've Been Staring at Your Butt for a Half-Mile Now

Geek, creep, nerd, or just misunderstood? Guest editorial by Jacob Whitten, smitten Iowa State student

(Ames, IA) I don't really know how to say this, so I guess I'll use the direct approach.

I have been staring at your sexy butt ever since you left the Memorial Union.

Don't get me wrong - I'm not a stalker or anything. I walked out behind you from the Union, and I was, well, transfixed. I have never seen a more perfect-looking ass in my entire life, not even in a magazine.

I was actually just going to the Alumni Hall, the next building over, but I just couldn't help myself. I just kept walking and reveling in the unparalleled beauty that is your rear end in those oh-so-tight jean shorts.

Oh, I know what you're probably thinking: "Like, what's the number for campus security?"

A very sexy buttCan you blame me?

God, I know I sound like a creep. I swear I've never done anything like this, unless you count that semester in Chemistry when I spent almost the entirety of every class period staring down the shirt of this girl who sat across me with low-cut tops, beautiful braless breasts just staring - STARING - back at me.

I followed you past Beardshear Hall, past Marston Hall, and even past the library. I even followed you past Spedding Hall until you got into your car in the parking lot, maybe gone from my life forever.

But if we ever meet again, would you like to go out sometime? Or could I just get a picture of your butt in those shorts to - err, save for posterity?

Thanks a million!

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Constipated Bush Calling for Last-Ditch Poop Surge

(Washington, DC) President Bush, fighting both congressional opponents and a languid set of bowels, called Sunday for an increase in stool-softening agents to break the intestinal blockage.

"In the past, our forces would help clear out the intestines during the day, and then go back to their bases at night," he said, shifting his weight between his feet. "This time, we will hold the intestinal sectors we have cleared by establishing over 40 joint security stations throughout my colon. Also, I plan on consuming more vegetables and fruit, whole meal bread and adding linseeds to my diet."

The President added that it is important that his bowels continue to follow the proposed "Way Forward."

"Violent terrorist blockages could spread across my entire gastrointestinal system – and in time, my whole body," he said, grabbing the edge of the lectern. "The enemy could emerge from the chaos emboldened – with new safe havens, new recruits, new resources, and an even greater determination to keep me from enjoying free-flowing stools and that wondrous sense of intestinal void."

Left: Suspected location of insurgent forces that are inhibiting the President's elimination efforts

Taking issue with critics, the President said that the new approach has a better chance of succeeding than previous strategies.

"This poop surge plan specifically adjusts for what has not worked in my belly – and builds on what has," he said, drinking a proffered glass of Metamucil. "The new strategy is designed to strike the right balance between focused bowel capacity assistance and accelerated fecal transition. And if you'll excuse me - I'm hearing a hopeful little gut gurgle."

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Worker Sinks 22 Straight Paper Wads, Breaks Ford Corporate Record

HR managerLeft: Townshend savors his victory

(Dearborn, MI) Gritting his teeth, Ford Motor Company human resource manager Lance Townshend took aim and let fly his 22nd consecutive paper wad shot, which rattled around the rim of the black trash can before falling in.

"YESSS!" he exclaimed, drawing looks from other HR employees. "Nothin' but can!"

Townshend has been working on his game for several months now, but had previously been able to sink only nine straight shots.

"The can is 15 feet away, so these are definitely not slam dunks," he said, crumbling up a piece of 8-1/2"x11" paper for another round. "Lately I've been concentrating on getting a little more arc on my shot, and the hard work is paying off."

Paper wads in black trash canLeft: A productive morning for Townshend

Townshend is counting down the days until he receives one of the layoff notices that he has been using as sporting equipment.

"Things are definitely not looking good here," he said, letting fly another wad of paper. "But HR probably won't get the axe until at least after Christmas, since they have to keep enough people here to handle the unemployment claims and COBRA bullshit. Whoa - that one banked off [fellow HR employee Carl] Nelson's desk. I'll give him the assist."

The previous Ford corporate record of 19 shots was held by economy model design engineer Joseph Nichols, who set his mark in 1997 during the beginning of the SUV boom.

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Billy Pilgrim Suffers Relapse after Jake Plummer Retirement

A National Nitwit Exclusive Report

R.I.P. Billy Pilgrim’s Sobriety: 2005-2007

(Washington, D.C.)—Two-time Pulitzer nominee and esteemed journalist Billy Pilgrim suffered a savage relapse earlier this week after hearing that his “man-crush and NFL doppelganger” Jake Plummer had retired from professional football.

Plummer — who retired rather than endure a convoluted trade from the Denver Broncos to the Tampa Bay Buccaneers — became an emotional crutch for the self-proclaimed “booze hound and pornoholic” Pilgrim in recent years, and the reporter’s relapse has left his close friends in shambles.

“Hell, if I knew Billy was off the wagon, I would’ve asked him to grab me a forty,” remarked compatriot Subcomandante Bob. “Is he still at the liquor store? What’s his cell phone number?”

Plummer at the height of his retro glory

Others in the National Nitwit community were more emotionally distraught when confronted with this tragic development.

“I thought Billy was really getting his life back on track,” sobbed a near-hysterical Inez Locarro while cradling a half-empty box of tissues. “He was working out, doing well with his freelance writing — he hadn’t mentioned alcohol or pornography in months. God damn you, Jake Plummer! You’re only 32 years old! Lord knows the Raiders need a quarterback!”

The National Nitwit will continue its coverage of this story as events develop.

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Woman's Emerald Nose Piercing Mistaken for Dried Booger

Left: Kantner's nasal burden

(Santa Monica, CA) Sharon Kantner says that she waited "a long time" before deciding to enter the world of body piercing.

"I was 36 before I even had my ears pierced," she admitted. "Then I thought I would try out something discreet, but edgy, and I had an emerald nose piercing done."

Unfortunately for Kantner, most people who notice her new green gem mistake the piercing for a piece of dried mucous.

"It happens at least twice a day - someone will come up and offer me a Kleenex or paper napkin," she said, absently touching the palladium setting. "Then there are the moments of awkward silence, when a person is not sure if they should say something to me or not. Lately I've just been yelling: 'It's a PIERCING!', but that's not really a good way to start a conversation, is it?"

Kantner said that the "worst part" is that she cannot remove the piercing at the moment.

"I got it done at a piercing party, and the damned thing got infected," she said, scratching at the emerald stud. "I'm also getting scar tissue building up, so now I look like Karl Malden with a dried piece of snot. Just fucking great."

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Taliban Hoping a Victory Will Get Them in NCAA Tourney

(Kandahar, Afghanistan) A top Taliban commander said Wednesday the group has 4,000 fighters bracing to rebuff NATO's largest-ever offensive in northern Afghanistan, and added he is "hopeful" that a strong showing will earn the insugents an NCAA at-large bid.

"All of our men are well-equipped and we have the weapons to target NATO," said Mullah Abdul Qassim, the top Taliban commander in Helmand province. "We just have to get this win. This will get a lot off our shoulders as far as the NCAA Tournament goes, but we still have to take care of business here."

Qassim said the Taliban would adapt to conditions on any court they play on during March Madness.

"The Taliban know traditional fighting. If we need to fight in a group, we will. If we need a suicide attack, we will do that," he said, watching as his players worked pregame drills. "Plus, we know how to get the big bodies in the paint, grab rebounds, and score points off turnovers."

The Taliban, currently 18-11 and on the bubble, hope to prove they deserve to play in the Big Dance.

"We've just had two great games," Qassim said. "This is going to be a battle, man. That's what it's all about when you get here. If we can get into a position where we've got the lead, we're usually pretty good because our guys shoot well."

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Confession: I'm Carrying Dick Cheney's Love Child

Guest editorial by Melissa Ogrodowski, crystal afficianado

I first met "Dan" - that's what he likes me to call him, but I know he's really the Vice-President - way back in 1999. I was working H Street, just past Chinatown, when this silver Lexus puls up, and a Popeye-looking dude with sunglasses just grins at me.

"Gots money, I'm in," I think to myself. Little did I know that I would one day be carrying this man's love child.

We had some great times together, me and Dick. He'd give me a bunch of cash, and I'd score some snow, and he'd watch as I got good and stoked up. He never snorted it, but sometimes he liked to lick it off my chest. Then we'd go racing around DC with a Secret Service agent behind the wheel, me going down on him while he talked on the secure cell with NSA geeks.

Once we actually did it in the Oval Office. The President was out of town on a campaign stop, and we went at it right there on the desk. Dick made me call him "Mr. President" as he slammed into me: "Oh, MR. PRESIDENT! YOU"RE SO HA-A-A-ARD!" Shit like that.

Sometimes, though, Dick got a little weird on me, like black dildo kind of weird. I mean - whatever the client wants, right? But when he made me shove it up his ass without lubrication while whispering in his ear: "Condi's giving it to you BAD!" - that was just too much.

But now that he knocked me up, he won't return my calls or anything. I just get this envelope with $1000 and the number to an abortion clinic delivered to me last week. No name, no card, no flowers.

Of course I spent that shit in about 12 minutes with one phone call to Tino. We partied like it was two thousand and 99, y'all.

And the kid? Listen - it's a hard world. My mom drank like a fucking Shriner while she carried me, and I turned out OK. Fuck it, I'm out.

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K-9 Cop Takes Excessive Pride in Dog’s Heroism

By Billy Pilgrim, National Nitwit Rogue Editor

Bukowski and Scooter: Hetero Life Partners

(Chicago, IL) K-9 Unit officer Rowland Bukowski has enjoyed an impeccable seven-year stint with the Chicago Police Department, and has been a shining example of professionalism and courage to many new recruits.

However, a growing contingency of his fellow veterans are starting to wonder if Bukowski is taking excessive credit for the exploits of his dog, Scooter, who is assuredly the best on the force.

“That dog brought down a huge coke bust last month, but to hear Bukowski tell it, he did it single-handed in slow-mo with his shirt off,” huffed Sgt. Kevin Pank. “If I hear that goddamn story about him tackling a perp one more time, I’m gonna puke blood. That kid was barely 17, and so whacked out he could barely slur his name.”

Other officers shared Pank’s fastidious disparagement.

“Before Bukowski had Scooter, he had this other dog, named King,” explained Officer James Thompson. “King was about as smart as an inbred Mennonite snorting Ajax. Needless to say, Bukowski had one of the worst records on the force. Then boom — he gets Scooter, and all of a sudden he’s like Judge Dredd up in this bitch.”

Thompson paused before offering an iconic anecdote of Bukowski’s ineptitude.

“I never thought I’d have to say this on the record, but Bukowski wouldn’t be shit without that pooch,” bemoaned Thompson. “A few weeks ago we served backup on this vice bust—pretty nasty place over on the South Side. Shots were blazing all around, and where’s Bukowski? Quivering in a corner while Scooter wrestles all these bad guys to the ground; fuckin’ Bukowski left his gun in his cruiser. I don’t have to tell you who was on the evening news that night.”

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"4-H Girls Gone Wild" Calendar Not Selling Well for Iowan

(Eldora, IA) Entrepreneur Carl Jacoby thought his "4-H Girls Gone Wild" calendar idea was a "sure-fire winner," but the Iowa businessman has been disappointed with the early returns on his investment.

"Quite frankly, sales are in the toilet," he said, looking across the cornfield behind his central Iowa home. "Besides a few dozen sold to family members of the models, this calendar is selling worse than a full bowl of Hamas in Tel Aviv."

The calendar, carried by retail outlets and 4-H extension offices, has a suggested price of $9.95. Jacoby, however, believes that he made some "structural mistakes" in his design.

"While some of these girls are fantastic at hoisting a bale of hay, I think many people were expecting a different sort of model on the calendar," he admitted. "I guess if you don't live in the heartland, you have a different set of aesthetic values. But you can't tell me this picture of the topless cow-milking girl isn't hot - you've got six teats in one image."

Beauty, alas, is still in the eye of the calendar holder

Jacoby is not without hope for the 10,000 remaining copies of the 2007 calendar.

"The animal sex market is pretty strong on the Internet," he acknowledged. "Maybe if I market these things as bestiality pics I can at least make my money back."

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Bush Vows to "Take Fight to the Clouds" After Tornado Attacks

(Enterprise, AL) Following a series of deadly terrorist tornado attacks this week, President Bush promised to "bring to justice" the meteorological forces responsible for the damage.

"My fellow Americans, our way of life, our very freedom came under attack in a series of deliberate and deadly terrorist tornadoes," he said in prepared remarks. "The victims were in schools, or in their offices; secretaries, businessmen and women; moms and dads, friends and neighbors. Many lives were suddenly ended by evil, despicable acts of whilring, windy terror."

In all the terrorist storms killed 20 people - 10 in Alabama, nine in Georgia, and a 7-year-old girl in Missouri. The PResident said he "will not rest" until those responsible are brought to justice.

"The search is underway for those who are behind these evil acts. I've directed the full resources of our intelligence, law enforcement, and Weather Service communities to find those responsible and to bring them to justice," he said. "We will make no distinction between the terrorists who committed these acts and those who harbor them, and those who hide behind a veil of menacing-looking dark clouds will find that masses of condensed droplets or frozen crystals suspended in the atmosphere are no match for the United States of America."

Bush says the tornado attacks bear the fingerprints of al Qaeda

The President reiterated that America "stands strong" in its fight against "global cylonic jihad."

"This is a day when all Americans from every walk of life unite in our resolve for justice, peace, and a wind-free existence," he said, standing in front of a demolished building. "America has stood down enemies before, and we will do so this time. None of us will ever forget this day. Yet, we go forward to defend freedom, trailer parks, and all that is good and just in our world."

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Ex-Video Game Addict Decries PS3, Wii Advertisements

(Chicago, IL) Jacob Dougherty knows a thing or two about addiction.

"I was a hard core gameholic and when I detoxed and after a year long battle, I managed to quit the PS2. I am now almost eight months sober and - until recently - had no desire for video games," the twelve-year-old recovering game addict said, noting that he still attends 12-Step meetings. "I had my share of waking up in strange rooms drenched in piss after a four-day video game binge. It wasn't fun."

Dougherty said the release of new gaming consoles Wii and PlayStation 3 is making recovery difficult for he and other gaming addicts.

"I'm speaking from experience. For years I went through countless gaming benders where I stayed awake for days before I did what I needed to do to get my gaming under control," he said, nervously looking over his shoulder. "Those years must have been awful for my parents and friends, but I have to admit I've been getting some serious cravings for video games lately."

Left: Sony's PlayStation 3 is making gaming addicts tweak

Dougherty recalled the events surrounding his bottoming-out.

"I knew that my life was just a mess. I wasn't going anywhere and it was a rainy day, and I just decided I didn't want to live that way anymore," he said, unconsciously twitching his head. "So I said goodbye to Mario, Final Fantasy, and Madden, and decided to have my mom check me into a treatment facility."

The recovering addict places the blame squarely on the shoulders of companies like Sony.

"The gaming companies tailor advertising to appeal to young adults by placing ads in pop-culture magazines, at music concerts, and on kid-oriented television shows," he said, scratching his arm. "They know that young people are highly influenced by their peers. So if an attractive guy or girl offers you a free video game in return for your email and cell phone number, run. Or you'll wind up like me: waking up in a cold sweat at night, hands trying to hit the X and B keys while trying to pick up a gold coin. Not cool, dude."

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