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Congressman Resigns After Plea Deal

(San Diego, CA) Rep. Randy "Duke" Cunningham said Monday he is resigning from Congress after pleading guilty to accepting more than $2 million in bribes in a criminal conspiracy involving defense contractors.

"I broke the law, concealed my conduct and disgraced my office," he told reporters Monday. "But come on - $2 million is a lot of money. Can any of you stand here and tell me you wouldn't have taken that kind of money?"

Prosecutors said Cunningham had taken bribes from contractors, which allowed him to buy a yacht, a mansion, a suburban Washington condominium, and a Rolls Royce.

"That's a lot of cool stuff, man," he said. "How many of you are able to go apeshit like this? Answer: none. You know damn good and well that each and every one of you would have done the same thing."

Cunningham will have to forfeit his $2.5 million mansion and about $1.8 million in cash, antiques, furnishings and other valuables as part of the deal. The charges carry a potential penalty of 10 years in prison and up to $350,000 in fines.

"Oh, don't worry about me. You know I have at least twice that amount socked away in a Caymans bank account," said Cunningham. "Besides, I'll have no problem finding work as a consultant after taking the fall for this. They owe me big time."


Tsunami Victims Get All the Breaks

An Editorial by Billy Pilgrim, National Nitwit Rogue Editor

(Toledo, OH)—I know it’s on everyone’s mind, so I’ll just come out and say it: these tsunami freeloaders are getting more financial assistance than a double-dipping welfare mother. Wired News Online reports that as of November 25th, the international pledge for the “victims” had reached a staggering $9.28 billion, with the United States contributing almost $1.15 billion.

Did you fucking read that? The federal government is pledging over a billion dollars to the relief effort in Southeast Asia—which is funny, really, because every time I drive to Cabela’s I’m reminded that the roads in Toledo are more pockmarked than James Woods’ upper neck, and there’s a tribe of homeless crazies living in a cardboard lean-to behind Cricket West. Only in America, land of the retarded, do we throw our life savings away on useless, two-bit nations while armed terrorists plot their next attack on this great land.

The gravest irony here is that all of our tax dollars are going to dead people. That’s right: all these “victims” are bloated sacks of disease and rotten flesh. What are they going to do with money in countries where the maggot-infested outdoor markets only participate in a form of Neanderthal bartering? More importantly, where are these pathetic stragglers-on going to buy fresh mangos and tourniquets? All the bodega owners are dead, floating in a sea of putrid donkey carcasses and monkey shit.

I’ll tell you what they’re going to do with the money – sit on their collective asses and laugh. At you, me, and every other patriotic American, while they play canasta and drink beer with their Commie pals. While we blow our hard-earned tax dollars on these third-world idlers, Osama and his cronies are in our backyard as we speak, stringing explosive charges together like Christmas lights, ready to turn Everytown into a mass grave for God-fearing Americans.

Here’s what I suggest to the Bush Administration: pay me, Billy Pilgrim, the $950 million as a consultation fee, and I’ll found the Department of Tsunami Relief. I’ll rebuild the infrastructure of Southeast Asia in one day, and save all hard-working Americans the grief of hearing broken snot-sobs and indecipherable gibberish spew from some brown kid’s sore-covered mouth as he swats at horse flies every night on CNN. Here’s my plan:

1) Gather all nine survivors.
2) Have them urinate on the same spot.
3) Build an earthen hovel out of the mud.
4) Commence celebration and prayers to a false god.

I will then invest the remaining $949.99 million in worthier causes, like front-row tickets to see Ted Nugent or the Billy Pilgrim Paternity Fund.

The bottom line, America, is we have terrorists to torture and a war to win. These “humanitarian” efforts are cute, but every dollar spent on some underwater village in Phang Nga is a dollar in a suicide bomber’s pocket. $156 billion and a Coalition of the Willing are a good start in Iraq, but we need to cut these bullshit distractions—Social Security, title IX athletics, the poet laureate—if we truly want to enforce democracy abroad.

And whatever you do, do not even think about getting me worked up about Hurricane Katrina!


Prehistoric Ice Gives New Clues To Past

(Antartica) Drilling deep into Antarctic ice, scientists have extended Earth's climate history by another 210,000 years. The new results, they say, drive home two key points:

• Today's atmosphere holds concentrations of carbon dioxide significantly higher than at any time in the last 650,000 years.

• Prehistoric peoples preferred clear liquors like gin and vodka over darker liquors like whiskey and scotch.

"This is yet another piece of information showing that the time scales on which humans have changed the composition of the atmosphere are extremely short compared to the natural time cycles of the climate system," notes Thomas Stocker, a researcher at Switzerland's University of Bern and a member of the research team. "These ice samples also show that prehistoric peoples knew how to party their asses off."

The new research comes from the European Project for Ice Coring in Antarctica, which drilled into the ice at a spot called Dome C in eastern Antarctica, where the ice at that point is 3,309 meters thick.

"The ice samples showed that these Neanderthal nutjobs could mix a wicked martini, not too dry and with just the right amount of vermouth," said Stocker. "Oh, and there some shit here about global warming and whatnot."

The research, funded the National Science Foundation, also found ocean levels were lower during the prehistoric era than previously thought.

"That means there were more beaches and probably more seaside bistros," said Stocker. "I forget what else this data might say. Oh yeah, the green olive with pimento was more prevalent in the past than it is today."


US Soldiers Reprimanded For Burning Muslim Fighters

(Kabul, Afghanistan) Four US soldiers have been reprimanded for an incident in Afghanistan in which the bodies of two Islamic fighters were burned and a message taunting the Taliban about the cremations was broadcast to the other fighters.

Maj. Gen. Jason Kamiya, the operational commander of coalition forces in Afghanistan, said the troops should have used other methods.

"Burning the bodies caused a huge plume of smoke, visible for miles," he said. "They would have been better off grinding up the fuckers in a chipper-shredder."

Islam forbids the burning of the bodies of believers, but the burning of soldiers killed in combat is permitted under the Geneva Convention for hygienic and religious reasons.

"The biggest mistake these soldiers made was broadcasting this message over loudspeakers," said Kamiya. "Sticking a couple of the decapitated heads on sticks would have made a more chilling statement, and wouldn't have been noticed by the embedded reporters."

Muslim custom dictates that bodies be buried between 24 and 72 hours after death and that Muslims conduct the burial. Kamiya said that still could have been arranged.

"We could have delivered the shredded parts to them in Tupperware containers to keep Allah happy," he said. "That way the terorists would know that we mean business, and the whole religion thing would be covered."


Gonzalez: Padilla Case To Go "Really, Really Slow"

(Guantanamo Bay, Cuba) Jose Padilla, a suspect in the "dirty bomb" conspiracy, has been charged by a federal grand jury in Miami with 11 felony counts, including conspiracy to murder US nationals and providing material support to terrorists.

The charges arrived three years after Padilla was detained. Legal analysts expect that the case will continue to move at a snail's pace.

"I project that opening arguments in the case will begin in August 2017," said US Attorney General Alberto R. Gonzales. "This is due to the fact that we allow Padilla one visit per year by his attorney, and we try to time it so that the visit coincides with a tropical storm. That way the only route for his bleeding heart attorney to get here is by raft."

If convicted, Padilla and his co-defendants face a maximum of life in prison. Gonzalez, however, believes that a sentencing will not be needed.

"If all goes well, we will keep this bloodthirsty criminal tied up in the courts for at least 40 years," he said. "That way he's off the streets, and he doesn't look like a martyr if the bastard should actually win his case. We shouldn't even get to closing arguments until at least 2037."

Federal officials said Padilla was recruited into an Islamic terrorist support cell that tried to raise money and fighters for terrorism abroad. The indictment, however, suggests that the group was not particularly successful.

"They only raised $100K over nine years," said Gonzalez. "Heck, President Bush raised that much, like, every 15 minutes of campaigning. What a bunch of losers."


Man Given Bunny Ears, Reacts Violently

By Banfu T. Burnside, National Nitwit contributing editor

(Baltimore, MD) Lester Furley, a 43-year old general contractor, assaulted his young neighbor yesterday after she gave him bunny ears.

"The gesture was intended as a lark," said Sheela Wright, mother of eight-year old Kacey. The girl was not seriously injured during the incident.

"She saw him sitting on the porch swing, and she leaned over the railing and put her two fingers up behind his head," said Mrs. Wright. "But Lester became quite angry."

According to bystanders, Mr. Furley failed to find the situation humorous.

"Why would you do that?" he was quoted as saying. "Now everyone is gonna think I'm a bunny."

An exasperated Lester Furley then took young Kacey's wrist and gestured sharply at her still outstretched fingers.

"Do you know what that means?" He then released the sobbing girl and punched the wooden post that supports his awning. "I'm not some sort of grotesque man-bunny that can be toyed with," the tirade continued. "I hate the smell of carrots."

Though the Wrights quickly retreated to the safety of their home, Furley persevered,directing his comments to the side of their house.

"OK, run away then. I'll just stay here in my little hutch!" he shouted while miming an invisible wall near the edge of his porch.

The community has become increasingly concerned about Furley's outbursts, which began in 1997. The "mailbox of hate" incident stemmed from a humorous Christmas greeting card mailed to the contractor's residence, and earned him the moniker "Furious Furley."

Sheela Wright thinks her daughter was fortunate to have escaped unscathed.

"If he had mistaken those bunny ears for the more sinister devil horns variation, God knows what he might have done," said Wright.


GOP Changes National Symbol To Raging Middle Finger

By Billy Pilgrim, National Nitwit Rogue Editor

(Washington, D.C.)—After weeks of mounting discord on Capitol Hill concerning the war on terror, faulty intelligence, indictment controversies, and slumping poll numbers, the Republican National Committee announced today that it was changing the party’s official symbol to the staunchly erect middle finger of a white male.

This marks a vast departure from the GOP’s previous icon, the Republican Elephant, which was created by cartoonist Thomas Nast in 1874 and first appeared in Harper’s Weekly. For countless Americans, the Republican Elephant symbolized strength, wisdom, and freedom, and has been a hallmark of conservative ideology for over a century.

But Republicans feel this move will help them reestablish dominance in a muddled and harrowing political landscape, and are confident in their decision.

“It was a difficult choice,” said Bill Frist, Senate Majority Leader and arguably most influential member of the legislature. “We kicked around a lot of ideas. Delay wanted to put Uncle Sam in fatigues, McCain wanted to give the elephant a big set of balls, but we finally chose something pointy. Clearly, it gets the job done.”

Frist’s colleagues echoed his sentiments.

“I am so fucking sick of Democrats whining and bitching like they own this joint,” remarked Senator Orin Hatch of Utah, one of the more vocal conservatives in Congress. “Personally, I wanted to switch to the finger back when Kerry lost, but W talked me out of it. Well, today’s the day, folks. Our message is simple and pure: either you’re a patriot, or you need to seriously go fuck yourself and get run over by a car. Preferably a Dodge Ram. Those bitches are huge.”


Bird Flu Scare Hurts Tuna Maker

(New York) Stock in the parent company of seafood maker Chicken of the Sea fell 37% yesterday amid news that that avian bird flu was detected in Canada.

Longtime spokesman Charley Tuna expressed unhappiness with the market raction.

"We just TASTE like chicken," he said. "Tuna live in the ocean, you nimrods. We can no more catch avian flu than we can smallpox."

The bird flu strain found in Chilliwack, BC, last week is not the H5N1 strain that has world health experts worried about a global pandemic, after at least 65 people died in Asia since 2003.

"I am beginning to regret ever signing on with this company," said Tuna, wiping kelp off his glasses. "I am a paraiah in the maritime community, and I don't have lungs, so my land opportunities are pretty slim."

Chicken of the Sea is one of the oldest seafood companies in the United States. Tri-Marine International and Edmund Gann sold their 50 percent interest in Chicken of the Sea to Thai Union International, Inc. in 2000.

Tuna remains doubtful that the seafood company will bounce back.

"Look at Jack-in-the-Box: can you honestly say that you can think of that company without thinking of dead children?" he asked. "The Starkist marketing people are probably already coming up with a new campaign with pigs or cows to get rid of the "chicken" association. I am pretty much screwed as a spokesman."


New Potter Film To Exceed GNPs Of 100 Nations

(New York) Analysts with the United Nations released figures today demonstrating that the new Harry Potter film will eventually produce revenues greater than that of over 100 nations.

"The Harry Potter series may well cross the $5 billion mark before it ends," said Martin Schorbacher of the United Nations. "Meanwhile, billions of people go to bed hungry every night. Listen, why don't a bunch of you just wait until the DVD comes out and rent it? Then you might be able to - oh, I don't know - SEND A DOLLAR OVERSEAS?!?!?!"

The fourth film in the series about the boy wizard lit up the box office this weekend with $101.4 million - becoming the fourth movie in history to earn that much in its first three days.

"This is the kind of film that studio executives lie in bed dreaming about," says Paul Dergarabedian, president of Exhibitor Relations. "It sucks to live in the Third World and all, but holy shit that's a lot of cash!"

Dergarabedian believes that the film marks a turnaround for the industry, while the divide between the world's wealthy and poor grows.

"We've heard so much talk that it's a sluggish year, down 6% in receipts and 8% in attendance," he said. "One film like this can turn it around, but there isn't much time left. Still, I am glad I am not living in one of those really nasty places overseas."


Signs Of A Democratic Opposition To GOP

(Washington, DC) Last week's heated congressional debates over the war in Iraq demonstrated the rise of antiwar sentiment among Democrats, as well as the challenge the party faces in developing a cohesive message.

The uproar followed a call by Rep. John P. Murtha (D-Pa.) to immediately begin removing American troops.

"The war in Iraq is not going as advertised. It is a flawed policy wrapped in illusion," read Murtha from a prepared script. "Who does President Bush think he is, Harry Fucking Houdini? He is more like, well, Harry Fucking Potter. Yeah, that's it."

Yet supporters and opponents of the war agree that the cry of opposition from Murtha — a leading military hawk during his three decades in Congress — is likely to mark a milestone in the war debate.

"Clearly it was a bombshell and it does shift the debate quite dramatically," said Ivo H. Daalder, a senior fellow at the Brookings Institution. "We might actually see the Democrats grow spines."

Congressional Republicans, momentarily confused by signs of political opposition after years of Democratic ennui, fired back with attacks.

"Damn, caught me off guard there for a minute, Murtha," said Speaker Dennis Hastert. "Let's see....I almost forgot how this goes...oh yeah...The Democratic Party is the party of traitors, cowards, and pedophiles. Anyone who votes Democratic votes his or her ass a ticket STRAIGT TO HELL. Thank you, and have a nice day!"


Falwell Fires Football Coach

(Lynchburg, VA) The Reverend Jerry Falwell cleaned house at Liberty University's athletic department, firing the football coach and two top administrators. Another football official resigned.

"For the past year we have been very unhappy with the direction of football here," Falwell said Friday. "Many of these young men have been touching themselves in un-Christlike ways, if you know what I mean."

Coach Ken Karcher's dismissal came two days before the Flames' final game at Norfolk State. Falwell said that Karcher had not fully embraced Liberty's high moral standards.

"We have videotape of Karcher and his wife watching the Satan-inspired TV show Desperate Housewives," said Falwell. "Also, the man has been filmed talking to Jews and blacks."

Karcher, whose record is 21-45 in six years at Liberty, was told of the news before the team practiced on Thursday; the coach declined comment.

Falwell reiterated the football program's mission statement.

"Our mission is to utilize football as a unique educational tool that will glorify God by developing Biblical character qualities," he said. "This team has been playing more like Delilah than like Samson, if you can follow the analogy."

Falwell said he already has spoken with three head coaching candidates and plans to have the empty positions filled quickly.

"I'm 72," he said. "I don't have much time to get the football program in the Top 20, and I sure as hell am not going to meet St. Peter at the pearly gates with a loser of a football team."


Spielberg Plans Film On Boxcar Willie

(Los Angeles, CA) Excited by the success of films glorifying music icons Ray Charles ("Ray") and Johnny Cash ("I Walk the Line"), producer Steven Spielberg announced today that his studio is preparing a bio-documentary on country music performer Boxcar Willie.

"Sure, he was mostly a manufactured country star and really gimmicky, but he sold a lot of albums," said Spielberg. "That translates into a lot of potential ticketholders for the film."

Born in a small railroad shack along side the KD railroad in 1931 Lecil Travis Martin was the son of a farm and section hand for the railroad in Sterratt, Texas. He took on the moniker "Boxcar Willie" in the 1960s after stints as a pilot and a DJ.

"Boxcar Willie represents everything I look for as a filmmaker," said Spielberg. "He is well known, has a gritty image, and is dead, so I won't have to pay his ass any royalties."

In 1996 Boxcar was diagnosed with cancer. Boxcar's battle with luekemia was grueling, and he died April 12th, 1999 in Branson, Missouri.

Spielberg said that he has several actors in mind for the role.

"Keanu Reeves would be interesting, as would George Clooney," he said. "But my favorite would have to be Lou Grant, and I think that his gruff newsguy persona would translate well as Willie."


CIA Memo: Castro Likely Has Parkinson's

(Washington, DC) The CIA has determined that Cuban President Fidel Castro suffers from Parkinson's disease, and that he could have difficulty coping with the responsibilities of office as his condition worsens, an source said Wednesday.

"The assessment is that he has the disease and that his condition has progressed. There appear to be more outward signs," said an official who is familiar with the assessment. "Looks like all those years of exploding cigars, hired assassins, and syphillis-ridden hookers have finally paid off."

The Cuban leader, 79, has been in power on the island of 11 million people since leading a 1959 revolution. He has long been at ideological odds with Washington.

"We first started talking about it after he had that fall last year," said the CIA official. "This is convincing evidence of the correctness of the US trade embargo and policies in general toward Castro."

Cuban officials declined to comment on the CIA assessment. They have consistently insisted Castro is in good health despite failing to show at a summit of Ibero-American leaders in Spain in October.

"So Fidel's hand is shaking - big fucking deal," said one Cuban official. "Look at your president - that dumb ass can't even stay vertical on his bike. If you ask me, Bush has the problems, not Castro."


173 Detainees Abuse Selves To Embarass Bush

(Baghdad, Iraq) Iraq's main Sunni political party has called for an international inquiry into the alleged self-abuse by more than 170 detainees in Baghdad.

The prisoners were found in a US raid on an Iraqi interior ministry building in the central Jadiriya district of Baghdad.

"We want an international and impartial inquiry as we are beginning to think there are people high up in government who are responsible for abusing themselves," said Prime Minister Ibrahim al-Jaafari. "It is unconscionable that people would torture themselves just to make President Bush and me look bad."

A joint statement by the American Embassy and the United States military command called the situation "totally unacceptable" and said American officials "agree with Iraq's leaders that self-abuse by detainees will not be tolerated."

For American officials in Iraq, still smarting from the Abu Ghraib prisoner abuse scandal, the new allegations came at a particularly inopportune moment.

Brigadier Geneneral Karl Horst of the Third Infantry Division, the commander of the raid, said that there would be more operations directed at uncovering secret detention centers.

"We're going to hit every single one of them," he said. "We will not allow these sick individuals to beat the ever-living shit out of themselves just to weaken the war on terrorism."


Man Sets Child Free At International Airport

By Banfu T. Burnside, National Nitwit contributing editor

(Baltimore, MD) Thomas Roland set his child free last Monday morning at Baltimore Washington International Airport, during a trip home to see his parents.

"I was flying back to North Carolina to see the folks," said Roland, "and I just decided that I couldn't keep him in captivity any longer."

Roland released Preston, his son of eighteen months, back into the wilds.

"I just set him down with a sippy-cup full of his favorite juice, and a little bag of Cheerios," he said, wiping away a tear. "Then I watched him crawl away through the terminal."

According to Roland, he lacked confidence in his ability to competently father the child, a sentiment echoed by his ex-wife, Loretta.

"Loretta was always telling me what a lousy dad I'd be," he said. "In those moments before boarding, I finally realized that she was right."

Roland maintains that he had "no right to monopolize Preston's precious childhood," opting instead to let him roam free amongst the other babies.

"There was a Chinese kid at the other gate that I saw him playing with before I got on my plane," he said. "Maybe they'll be friends."

Though Roland's parents were initially dismayed when he arrived without their grandson, their shock gave way to cautious optimism.

"We hope that Preston will make better decisions than his father," said Arthur Preston. "But it's not up to us, he's his own man now."


"Scooter" Libby Requests New Nickname

(Washington, DC) Lewis "Scooter" Libby, Vice President Dick Cheney's former chief of staff, told reporters yesterday that he is tired of his childhood nickname and wants another.

"Yes, 'Scooter' has got to go," he said. "I just realized how stupid this sounds after hearing it on TV all weekend."

Libby was charged on Oct. 28 with obstructing justice, perjury and lying in the two-year investigation into the leak of covert CIA operative Valerie Plame's identity after her husband criticized the Iraq war. He faces a maximum sentence of 30 years in prison if convicted.

"I was thinking something a little more tough-sounding, like 'Snake' or 'Killer,'" Libby said. "If I am going to be spending time in prison, I wonder if 'Scooter' is a little too, well, wimpy-sounding."

Libby has assembled a high-priced team of lawyers to fight the charges in court, including Theodore Wells, whose clients have included former Agriculture Secretary Michael Espy and financier Michael Milken.

"What do you guys think?" Libby asked the assembled reporters. "Doesn't "Scooter" come across like someone who is not going to get respected in a prison setting?"


Newly Discovered Hormone Decreases Appetite

(Stanford, CA) Stanford University scientists have discovered a potential new weapon in the battle of the bulge: a hormone that reduces the urge to eat.

Named "cocarone," the chemical has been tested only in slender mice, not obese people. The discovery by Dr. Aaron J.W. Hsueh and his team will ideally translate into a useful obesity medication.

"Mice experiments demonstrated that the hormone effectively kills the urge to eat for many hours," said Hsueh. "The mice, though, stayed up all night watching TV and looking out the window to see if the cops were hiding in the bushes."

Because only a handful of animals were studied for a short period of time, far more work needs to be done, said Hsueh.

"They definitely got really skinny in a short period of time," he said. "The only side effect seems to be a near-constant runny nose, and the little bastards won't stop chattering when they are on the drug."

Hseuh believes that the pharmaceutical market will quickly capitalize on the new hormone.

"I've had calls from hundreds of pharmaceutical reps just tweaking to get their hands on cocarone," he said. "We are working out a distribution deal right now with a group out of Cali, Venezuela."


Democrats Join Republicans Against Detainees

(Washington, DC) Democrats who had voted previously to prohibit abusive treatment of detainees in American custody provided the margin of victory on Thursday for a Republican-backed measure that would deny prisoners at Guantánamo Bay typical prisoner rights.

"A foreign national who is captured and determined to be an enemy combatant in the world war on terrorism has no more right to a habeas corpus appeal to our courts than did a captured soldier of the Axis powers during World War II," said Senator Joseph Lieberman. "In addition, we think that they should get the ever-living shit kicked out of them on a daily basis, because they are subhuman."

Other Senate Democrats joined in the chorus of support.

"I don't think giving enemy combatants access to the federal court system is a precedent we want to set, even if they are US citizens," Conrad said. "We have also voted to cut off meals, running water, and pest control for these bastards."

Antonia Ferrier, a spokeswoman for Senator Olympia Snowe, provided additional anti-detainee comments.

"Do we need all those lawyers going down there to hear their complaints?" she asked. "It seems a little extreme for these prisoners to be demanding due process and all that stupid shit. They are enemy combatants, not human beings."


Robertson: "Dover Has Royally Pissed Off The Lord"

(Dover, PA) Conservative Christian broadcaster Pat Robertson told citizens of a Pennsylvania town that they had rejected God by voting their school board out of office for supporting "intelligent design," and warned them Thursday not to be surprised if disaster struck.

"Y'all have pissed off the Lord," said Robertson. "Remember Sodom and Gomorrah? You may not, but God sure as hell does."

Robertson's 700 Club claims a daily audience of over one million, and it is broadcast around the world in more than 70 languages. The pastor chastised Dover residents for their vote.

"What does God have to do, put a fucking "G" next to the candidates' names?" he asked. "Let me tell you - this town has really screwed the pooch on this vote."

Eight Dover school board members lost their seats after trying to introduce a statement on "intelligent design" to high school biology students. Robertson expressed sympathy for the ousted officials.

"These were godly, decent people that you have completely jacked," he said. "Instead, you have voted into office a crew of Satan's worst pedophiles, bestialists, and whoremongers. In short, you have doomed your wicked village."

Intelligent design advocates argue that nature is too complex to have evolved through natural selection, and must have been created by a "designer." Opponents say it is a blatant attempt by conservatives to introduce religion into the school science curriculum.

Robertson scoffed at evolution and modern science.

"It is clear that that there is a conspiracy to fabricate fossils and other evidence; why is it that none of this stuff was around until Darwin came along?" he asked. "You people are just too stupid to connect the dots."


French Recruit Bruce Willis To End Paris Riots

By Billy Pilgrim, National Nitwit Rogue Editor

(Paris)—After nearly two weeks of intense rioting in Paris, French officials announced today that they have enlisted action superstar Bruce Willis to end the violence and restore normalcy to the nation under martial law.

Willis, who is best known for his performance in gritty blockbusters such as Die Hard and Sin City, has a Hollywood reputation for distinguished leadership, persistent three-day scruff, and ass-kicking, all of which has been sorely lacking in French government since the death of Charlemagne in the 10th century.

For President Jacque Chirac, the choice was a clear one.

“Look, I’m going to lose my fucking job if this shit keeps up,” Chirac said in a recent press conference near Lyon, where a new curfew has rekindled social animosity among impoverished rioters. “After a brief discussion with my cabinet members and a few phone calls, we got Mr. Willis on the first plane out of L.A, and hope to have this thing cleaned up by next Tuesday.”

Critics of Chirac’s federal policy note that these persistent outbursts have wider social implications, since most rioters are disgruntled teens of African and Middle-Eastern descent who suffer from widespread discrimination and unemployment.

But the President’s focus remains on public safety, as he candidly revealed in his closing remarks: “I know these kids are broke. That’s irrelevant. They’ve burned thousands of cars, torched storefronts, and jeopardized hundreds of lives. All I have to say is this: buckle up, baby. Remember Pulp Fiction? It’s go time.”


Intelligent Design Advocates to Take on Theories of Gravity, Contagion

(Topeka, KS) Fresh from their recent victories over Darwinism, pro-creationism advocates from the Discovery Institute announced that they will now turn their sights on other secular scientific dogmas, including the so-called Newtonian law of gravity as well as the neo-pagan belief in contagion theory.

Jonathan Wells, a fellow at the explicitly pro-Intelligent Design think-tank, said that “it’s time to purge the entire atheistic canon from our schools.” He added that “observations, hypotheses and deductions to propose adequate explanations for natural phenomena are just more mumbo-jumbo from godless heathens who seek to poison our youth.”

Wells argued that the introduction of Newtonian physics in the educational curriculum was a sign of secular dominance of the nation’s schools. He called on the Department of Education to introduce competing theories.

“‘Rational Attraction’ is a theory that explains why objects fall to the Earth,” he said. “The phenomenon is caused by the seductive pull of Satan, who as we all know lives in the middle of the planet. Humans are stuck to the planet until the Rapture, when the elect go to Heaven while sinners go to Hell.”

Wells discussed another potential curricular addition.

“The theory of contagion was promulgated by pagan medicine persons to explain disease,” he said. “However, it is clear from the Bible that all plagues are either Heaven-sent from an angry God, or delivered up by the Prince of Darkness to afflict mankind.”

This is a reprint of a Codependent Collegian piece that the Onion shamelessly plagiarized five weeks after it ran. Our story first ran on July 22, 2005, and they showed up with their cheap knock-off on August 17, 2005. We tried to play nice with the Onion's management, but they chose to ignore us. Be warned, almighty Onion, that we will vigorously defend our intellectual property and smite you if you pull this shit again. Don't make us have to get medieval with y'all.


Bush Says US Does Not Use Torture

(Washington, DC) President Bush, defending a hidden US prison system abroad for terrorism suspects, said Monday that his administration would continue to aggressively battle terrorism in sometimes unconventional but always lawful ways.

"All this whining about torture is just a bunch of weak-kneed liberals blathering about nothing," said Bush. "I'm confident that when people see the facts, that they'll recognize that we've got more work to do, starting with terrorist testicle removal."

Bush defended American interrogation procedures yesterday as his administration faced a new round of challenges and criticism over its record in questioning suspects.

"Look - what's so wrong with giving a few terrorists with some 110-volt love?" he asked. "We have got to make these SOBs talk, and it shouldn't be considered torture if there are no visible marks."

The American record on interrogation came under fresh scrutiny last week after reports that the CIA runs a secret prison system across the world, including facilities in Eastern Europe. Mr Bush neither confirmed nor denied the existence of such prisons.

"Even if I wanted to tell you - and I really do - I can't," he said. "Once Amnesty-Fucking-International finds out where these prisons are, we'll have to go and build some more. And the American taxpayer should not have to foot the bill for a bunch of new secret torture facilities."


Panthers Cheerleaders Arrested In Bar Sex Incident

You know, sometimes real life is actually funnier than satire. This is a legitimate story that forced Bob to fall out of his chair laughing

TAMPA, Fla. (AP) -- Two Carolina Panthers cheerleaders were arrested after a bar dispute that broke out early Sunday after patrons complained the women were having sex in a bathroom stall, a police arrest report said.

Police reports named the women, but The Tampa Tribune reported officials were checking into whether one of them gave a false identification. One woman was charged with battery, and the other with disorderly conduct and resisting arrest.

Both women were released on bond later Sunday.

The women were locked in a stall at about 2:10 a.m. Sunday when other patrons got angry they were taking so long in the bathroom, the police report said. The women left the stall, and one began arguing with another patron of Banana Joe's, eventually hitting that patron in the face with a closed fist, police said.

The incident happened 11 hours before the kickoff of the Panthers' NFL football game against the Tampa Bay Buccaneers. The cheerleaders traveled to Tampa on their own because members of the team's Top Cats squad are on the sidelines only at home games.

Panthers officials told The Charlotte Observer at Sunday's game that they were aware of the reported incident, but declined further comment.

Copyright 2005 Associated Press. All rights reserved. This material may not be published, broadcast, rewritten, or redistributed.


Cruise Ship Fends Off Pirates Near Somalia

(Mogadishu, Somalia) Pirates firing rocket-propelled grenades and automatic weapons tried to hijack a U.S.-owned cruise ship yesterday off the East African coast, but the vessel carrying many American passengers escaped, its owners said.

"Two boats full of pirates approached the Seabourn Spirit about 100 miles off the Somali coast and opened fire, while the heavily armed bandits tried to get onboard," said Bruce Good, spokesman for the Miami-based Seabourn Cruise Line. "We blasted the filthy ne'er-do-wells off the starbord rigging and sent them back to Hell."

Good said that no passengers were injured, and that several contributed to the successful defense of the ship.

"Ay, an old woman grabbed a harpoon and speared one of the nasty devils," he said. "Sure as the day was young she hung him over a yardarm and gutted him like a sea bass. It were a glorious sight!"

The cruise ship had been bound for Mombasa, Kenya, at the end of a 16-day voyage from Alexandria, Egypt. It is expected to reach the Seychelles in the Indian Ocean tomorrow, and then continue on its previous schedule to Singapore.

"If we find any more of these aquatic hellhounds, we will keelhaul them and stuff their mouths with hardtack," said Good. "There is no place on the high seas for vagabonds of the like of the Somali pirates."


Royals Visit New Orleans

(New Orleans, LA) Prince Charles and his wife Camilla flew into New Orleans on Friday for a glimpse of the ravaged city. They also had an opportunity to meet a few of the hundreds of thousands of residents whose lives disrupted by Hurricane Katrina.

Charles said he and Camilla were "utterly horrified to see the terrible scenes of destruction wrought by the hurricane across New Orleans and the surrounding area."

"And where the hell is someone supposed to get a triple-malt scotch in this God-forsaken hellhole?" the prince asked. "I know they have been traumatized and all, but for Chrissakes do something about the pubs."

Camilla said that she was most appallled by the "native attire."

"Yes, they are in a daze and all that," she said. "But why in the name of everything that is holy do they have to walk around with their breeches showing out the back of their pants?"

The couple intends to spend a few days in Louisiana before going home.

"I really need a shower about now," said Camilla. "There are odors here that no decent sort should ever have to stomach. I feel so dirty."


Merck Execs Pumped After Vioxx Victory

A gleeful Merck CEO gave high-fives all around headquarters yesterday in light of news that the painkiller Vioxx won a court case.

"Yes! I just knew we would win," said Richard T. Clark, CEO and president. "Phew! That was close; I thought my stock options were gonna get creamed."

Clark, pausing to bump chests with the rest of his management team, called the decision "really freaking awesome."

"I still think it's going to be a long, challenging road ahead for Merck," he said. "Don't get me wrong, I feel bad for the corpses and everything, but I got kids going to college. I need this cash."

The Atlantic City jury said Vioxx did not cause an Idaho postal worker's heart attack, and also said Merck did not commit consumer fraud in marketing Vioxx to physicians.

Analysts say Merck faces billions of dollars in potential liability from such cases following its New Jersey victory. Clark remained optimistic.

"One down, four thousand to go," he said. "But we're back, baby."


Roomba Robot Terrorizes DC Family

(Washington, DC) A family in the nation's capitol was attacked by a robotic vacuum cleaner Wednesday. Roomba, the first automatic vacuum available in the US, is a vacuum cleaner that uses robotic technology to clean floors.

For the Henderson family, however, the Roomba is a psychotic killer 13 inches in diameter and lighter than a bowling ball.

"It just sat there and stared at us with those beady little red laser-eyes," said Barb Henderson. "Then it kept playing this creepy little "doo-doo-doo-doo" song. We were scared out of our minds."

Roomba uses AI algorithms to clean efficiently and was developed by by iRobot, pioneers in artificial intelligence who have built products for the US military. Henderson said that the Roomba can be adapted to clean more than floors.

"I think that the 'clean house' command for Roomba is interpreted to mean 'kill all humans,' because it cornered us for three hours," said Henderson. "We were afraid to move."

“Since introducing Roomba last year, we have had a great response from consumers who are eager to automate tedious housework,” said Greg White, executive vice president and general manager of iRobot Consumer Robots. “We have had very few problems with Roombas switching to assassin mode."

White believes that the Hendersons were unfortunate victims of a software error.

"Both the Roomba and a military stealth robot, the 'Boomba,' are produced in the same factory," said White. "We apologize for the mixup."


CBS Announces New Series: "CSI - Mojave"

(Los Angeles, CA) Bolstered bhy the success of CSI and spinoffs such as CSI: Miami, CBS unveiled the latest incarnation of its CSI show line.

Entitles "CSI-Mojave," the show features the exploits of county crime scene investigators in and around the Mojave Desert.

"The challenge with this show is that there aren't many people in the desert, and that most of the deaths have something to do with the heat," said Les Moonves, president of the netowrk. "So the CSI teams have to figure out if a death was from dehydration, coyote attack, or peyote intoxication."

Six of last week's 10 most watched shows aired on CBS, starting with a "CSI" rerun that clocked more than 24 million viewers. Season-to-date, CBS has a 2-million-viewer lead over closest competitor ABC.

Mooves believes that the series will be yet another success.

"Part of the charm of the show will be the crusty old medical examiner Russ Fender," he said. "Old Russ has seen it all, but he just doesn't have any use for his wisecracking assistant Megan Johnson, fresh from grad school. They get quite a banter going in the desert heat in the pilot episode , when Julie packs a bottle of Perrier, but Russ has a 4-gallon container of tap water for emergencies. What a hoot!"


Bush Calls For $7.1 Billion In Bird Flu Threat

(Washington, DC) President Bush today announced a plan to prepare for the threat of an avian flu pandemic, calling for $7.1 billion in spending to stockpile reserves of antivirals and to move ahead with the development of a new vaccine.

"Today the federal government took flight with a plan to combat what you call your 'bird flu,'" said Bush. "There is no way I am going to let a bunch of sneezing, coughing birds affect the health of God-fearing, taxpaying Americans."

Epidemiological experts worry that if the virus mutates into a form that can be easily spread through human-to-human contact, the result could be a global pandemic, potentially causing millions of deaths. Almost half of the approximately 120 people who have contracted the virus have died to date.

Bush tried to downplay fears of a widespread epidemic.

"Come on now, this is nothing to get our feathers ruffled over," he said. "Why, if every American put on one of those dust masks and carried a tennis racket to smack these sick birds away, everything should be just fine."

The administration desires to have enough antiviral medication stockpiled for about 20 million people.

"It would not be a perfect match for the pandemic flu," the president said, "but would likely offer some protection, especially for the entire state of Texas."

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