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Drunken Shopper Causes Cart Pileup, Injuries

Left: Employees cleaning up after the tragedy

(Terre Haute, IN) An accident involving three shopping carts left four people injured at an Indiana Kroger supermarket.

Police say a drunk shopper careened into the opposite lane of the cereal aisle in a bid to overtake a cart ahead of it when he collided head-on with two oncoming carts, witnesses said.

33-year-old Martin Llewelyn was arrested in the store by Terre Haute police after injuring four other patrons. All are in stable condition at area hospitals.

“He never did stop at the intersection, not at all," said one witness of the inebriated shopper. "He just flew through the aisle, maybe fifteen, twenty miles an hour. If he just pushed the cart slow they wouldn’t have gotten any of those injuries any at all."

Police charged Llewelyn with two counts of aggravated assault, one count of driving on a suspended license, a DUI, and one count of leaving the scene of an accident.

"The defendant had a blood alcohol level of .22, which is almost triple the legal limit," said a police spokesperson. "He's lucky he didn't kill anybody as he weaved through the deli and produce sections."

Left: Police leading away the drunk Llewelyn

One witness told police at the scene that he had to swerve out of Llewelyn's way because he was standing on the cart "like a surfboard," and another witness told police there that the drunk shopper was so far over on the wrong side of the aisle he was knocking canned goods off the shelf.

"Scared me half to death - one minute I'm looking at my coupons, and the next this wild-eyed lunatic is roaring past me in the paper goods aisle," said 72-year-old Marian Piasecki. "Drunk shoppers think they can drink and drive carts with impunity because of lenient sentences - I hope they throw the book at this idiot."

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Cheney Pens Mash Note to Beyonce in Post-Oscar Passion

By Billy Pilgrim, National Nitwit Rogue Editor

Cheney: 21st-Century Wordsworth?

(Washington, DC)—Dick Cheney, the miserly and secretive two-term Vice President who has been subject of public scorn for several years, recently broke his own code of emotive silence by penning a heartfelt love letter to pop star Beyonce.

The epistle was reportedly inspired by Beyonce’s invigorating performance at Sunday night’s Oscar Awards.

“As soon as I saw that Brown Beauty shaking her ass, I was smitten,” Cheney remarked in an exclusive interview with the National Nitwit. “Plus, she has an amazing set of pipes. I don’t mean to date myself, but I haven’t seen this combination of hotness and talent since Nancy Sinatra back in ’66. Jesus, I’m getting boner just thinking about it.”

Cheney’s newfound adoration came as a shock to many in the Bush Administration who had, until now, taken a bizarre comfort in the Vice President’s consistently gruff demeanor.

Beyonce: Cheney’s Brown Sugar

“Whenever you need someone to order the bombing of innocent children in some third-world village, Cheney was your man,” remarked a high-ranking Pentagon official who spoke under the assurance of anonymity. “That guy could kill three hundred civilians while eating a tuna melt. Now, he’s getting in touch with his feelings, listening to old Destiny’s Child albums—it’s only a matter of time before he’s ordering Julia Roberts movies on Netflix and waxing his legs.”

Indeed, only time will tell, it seems, if Cheney’s impassioned prose will woo the young starlet from her longtime beau Jay-Z.

“I hope she gives me a shot,” Cheney remarked while sipping a John Deere mug of steaming green tea. “I ended the letter with a simple ‘do you like me circle YES or NO,’ so hopefully she’ll fax that to my lair by week’s end. I can take the rejection, though…nothing a few Scud missiles can’t help me overcome.”

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Anna Nicole's Rotting Corpse - Exclusive Photos

Corpse of Anna Nicole Smith during autopsy in Nassau (Nassau, Bahamas) A Florida appeals court suspended a lower court ruling that would have allowed the burial of former Playboy Playmate Anna Nicole Smith in the Bahamas.

Instead, Anna Nicole Smith's mother, Virgie Arthur, will be allowed to let her decomposing body continue its inevitable path toward an unbearable stench, said Broward County chief medical examiner Dr. Joshua Perper.

"Decomposing tissues release these nasty green substances and methane gas, which make the skin go all bluish and blistered, starting with the abdomen," he said, grabbing a handful of Doritos as he showed National Nitwit reporters the body of Anna Nicole Smith. "The front of her body is already swollen, the tongue is protruding, and there's a ton of fluid from her lungs that's oozing out of her mouth and nostrils. Not much chance she's going to make the cover of Playboy again, eh?"

Perper said that the location of the body in the Bahamas is adding to its rapid decay.

"This stage is reached in temperate zones after about four days, but it's much faster in the tropics," he said, poking at a section of the stomach that seemed about to burst. "The unpleasant condition of the body is made worse by the presence of gases like hydrogen sulphide, which gives off that rotten egg smell. There, smell that? Ugh!"

Anna Nicole Smith's mother, Virgie Arthur, center, escorted from the courthouse by sister-in-law Elaine Tabers, left, after a paternity hearing in Nassau, BahamasAnna Nicole Smith's mother, Virgie Arthur, is reportedly "disgusted" with putrescence of daughter's cadaver

Family and friends of the late celebrity lambasted the Nassau coroner's office for the condition of Anna Nicole's body.

"For Chrissakes, couldn't they at least spray a little Lysol around her?" asked a tearful Virgie Arthur. "This goddamn place smells worse than a bucket of catfish sitting in the sun all day at a Willie Nelson concert."

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My Pimped-Out Honda Will Totally Take Your Car off the Line

Car geek Guest editorial by Skyler Phillips, pimpin' extraordinaire

Listen up: I see you over there at the light, thinking you're all bad and shit. You're all about your 2006 whatever-that-is.

But my pimped-out 1991 Honda DX will totally take your POS car off the line. POS, case you didn't know, stands for "piece of shit."

As in that ugly-ass machine you are holed up in.

Yeah you, punk. I hear you revving that engine, and I must say I am unimpressed. About all you representin' in that is, like, your momma's book club or something.

This baby's got Brembo Cross drilled rotors, Kuhmo Ecsta Supra 712's - gotta love dat chrome - and a Ractive short ram intake with 2-1/4" custom exhuast.

Pimped-out Honda DX We're talking 5 speeds worth of love, y'all.

Plus, I gots ground control coilovers, Neuspeed front upper strut bars, and I just added a Tien SS suspension, along with a Trust cat-back exhuast system.

Yeah, look at your pitiful ass, pretending like you don't even see me. Well, I know you hear me, 'cuz I gots a Pioneer DEH-P7500MP with an additional Profile AP2000 amp in back.

Green light? You'd better run, bitch. Good thing I was rolling this blunt and you got the jump on me, or you would've been left behind like a used piece of Kleenex.

A-i-i-e-e-e-et! We out!

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Deaf Singer Fired Up About American Idol Shot

Left: Hot with hearing loss

(Chicago, IL) Jeremy Jeeter has been deaf since birth, and has absolutely no hearing in either ear.

This challenge, however, will not deter the 21-year-old from his dream: to become the next American Idol.

"Ah buweeve ah ken sin bettuh den dem udders," he said. "Ah wull nebbeh leh mah disabiddy sluh me don."

Jeeter said that he believes his signature singing style will set him apart from the other Idol hopefuls.

"Awwww bah mah seff, don wanna be, awww bah mah seff, ennymo," he crooned. "Dih you lahk dat? Mah guh fren seh she thin ahm gonna win it aw."

Not everyone is supportive of his dream, said Jeeter. One family member in particular thinks he should give up the dream.

"Mah muddah seh ahm gonna mek a foo uh mah seff," he mused. "Buh she ken kih mah ess, tupih bih."

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Britney's Dope Man Unhappy With Her Lack of Commitment

Fackler: Fed up with Britney

(Los Angeles) News that pop star Britney Spears has checked in and out of rehab three times in as many days has shocked her fans.

No one, however, is more upset at her instability than Corey "G-Unit" Fackler, her regular dope man.

"One minute she's like: 'I don't ever want to see you again!' and the next minute she's calling me back, crying and begging for an eight-ball," he said, checking his Razr phone for new messages from the troubled diva. "I'm all about customer service, but this is more like customer abuse, man. Plus, I can't keep my good people waiting while I sit around and hope Britney wants some blow tonight."

Fackler said that Spears has made some "unusual" requests of late.

"Who the fuck else would ask for 'little sparkly things' mixed in with her crank," he chuckled. "And then calling back 20 minutes later wanting some Oxycontin. I mean, do you want to go up the elevator, or do you want to go down? Like, make up your mind, Brit!"

Spears is a "fickle user"

Fackler, who said that he has provided recreational drugs to Britney Spears for almost three years, said that the singer's "lack of commitment" to the dealer-addict relationship has been disheartening.

"I need more from this relationship. I need to know that I can count on Britney to make my rent and the car payment," he said, waving a hand at his Escalade. "Look, Brit - if you're going to go all rehab on me, fine. Let's have a clean break and move on. But you just can't keep me hanging like this, you know? It's just not right."

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British Exit Opens Door for Slovenia's Four Troops to Come Home

Slovenske vojske, Slovenian military on duty in IraqLeft: Slovenia's four-man Iraq contingent may depart

(Ljubljana, Slovenia) Slovenian defense minister Karl Erjavec told National Nitwit reporters that his country is "seriously considering" a pullout of its four military personnel currently stationed in Iraq after an announcement that Britain will soon remove troops from Basra.

"We have looked forward for this glorious day when our Slovenian heroes could finally come home," Erjavec said. "Our brave men have shown the world just what a former Yugoslav republic can do, if given chance and fat US military base contract for joining Coalition of Willingly."

Erjavec said that the mission in Iraq has placed "quite a strain" on state finances since its deployment in 2003.

"At one point we had as many as nine military personnel over there," he said, displaying a spreadsheet. "This represented 38.4% of annual Slovenian defense budget. Yes, we Slovenians have done more than our share for almost four years in this struggle for freedom. That, plus Miha Ivanek knocked up this Iraqi girl, and we not only had to pay for baby costs, but we had to buy three goats and a dozen chickens for her family. This is more than average Slovenian farmer has, so we feel it is time for change."

Slovenian defense minister Karl ErjavecSlovenian defense minister Karl Erjavec addressing reporters

Erjavec added that Slovenian citizens in the capital city of Ljubljana are already planning a welcome home party for the returning members of "Operation Slovenia Send Many Troops Iraq for Bush."

"We have booked famous Slovenian singer Robert Pešut Magnifico, who will perform big hits 'Kdo je čefur', '24.000 poljubov' and 'Hir aj kam hir aj go'," he said, playing a snippet of the pop star's music for reporters. "And women are cooking up the žganci, kranjske klobase, krvavice, and potica. Plenty to go round, no? Stay, stay, and spend some money and party with Erjavec!"

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Man Awakens From Coma, Finds Tony Danza Still Famous

By Billy Pilgrim, National Nitwit Rogue Editor

Danza: Still singing, dancing, and acting like a drooling idiot

(Bangor, ME)—After 19 years in a paralytic coma, New England man Fred Polydor miraculously awoke yesterday, and was baffled to find B-star Tony Danza hosting his own daytime talk show on network television.

And while Polydor was happy to be reunited with his family and friends nearly two decades after a severe automobile accident, he expressed sincere dismay at the state of the entertainment industry.

“I can’t believe this greaseball is still on the air,” fumed Polydor in an exclusive interview with National Nitwit. “I almost died in a head-on collision, and I can’t even find a good show to watch at 2 in the afternoon.”

The formerly comatose Polydor can't believe Danza's ass is still on the air

Polydor’s frustration was not merely limited to Danza’s unwarranted acclaim, however.

“Where the fuck are the hover cars and anti-gravity boots?” Polydor grunted. “Another war and another asshole president I can deal with, but if I don’t see one of those automated showers from The Jetsons, I’m running head-first into a brick wall.”

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Nation's Dope Dealers Call for All-Metric Drug Deal System

(Omaha, NE) Speaking at an annual covention for street-level pharmaceutical representatives, an industry spokesperson called for an end to the "confusing and straight-up ignant" practice of using both English and metric weights and measures in transactions.

Gregory "G-man" Phllips exhorted the group to accept a committee resolution to adopt standard units of exchange.

"Listen up, y'all - it's flat out stupid to be using ounces and grams for the same damn product," he said, highlighting a PowerPoint presentation. "We risk losing credibility with our consumers, who form part of the movement upon which the long-term success of dopemen like us depends. Thus, we seek a balanced policy that is based on structured engagement, partnership and mutual trust, one that acknowledges standard measures, and one in which we don't jack someone who happens to be a stupid ass when it comes to the metric system. Yo."

Phllips said that the new system will benefit dealers as well as users.

"The time spent trying to convert kilos to pounds in a dark warehouse is time that could be better spent drinking Hennessey and getting blow jobs from crack whores," he said to a laughing audience. "You know what I'm talking about, y'all? Not to mention that nobody has a fucking calculator when you really need one, and you hate to have to trust your whacked-out heroin addict cousin just because he can guess every answer on Jeopardy while fucked up off his ass."

Miscalculated conversions on a kilo of Bolivian marching powder could be expensive

Not all convention attendeees, however, agreed with the call for unit standardization.

"It's always a half-ounce - and always will be a half-ounce - with my weed customers," grumbled Vance "Doc" Martin, of Minneapolis. "When some fucker calls me up asking for 'grams' of weed, I know right away he's probably a narc. Nobody talks like that except a fed, and this weird chemistry major at UMinn, but you can't understand anything that dude says when he's sniffing ether."

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Crackheads Rate Check-N-Go Top Fast Cash Outlet

Bunch of crackheads Left: Conventioneers scoring during lunch break

(Washington, DC) Members of the National Association for Recidivist Crackheads (NARC) awarded the check-cashing/cash advance firm Check-N-Go its "Golden Pipe" for superior service to the nation's crack cocaine users.

NARC president "Tweaky" Williams lauded the company's efforts to provide quick cash to addicts.

"Check-N-Go offers instant access to check cashing, even without ID," said Tweaky, looking over his shoulder for cops. "I lifted this tax refund outta some guy's mailbox last week, and had $300 in my hand in ten minutes. THAT is service, friend."

Another benefit to using Check-N-Go, said the longtime crackhead, are the firm's employees.

"Loretta over at my local Check-N-Go knows me real well, yet she never gives me any shit when I come in with a check that says 'Verna J. Armstrong' or some other impossible name," he said, rubbing his hands together. "Sure, they take 25% off the top, but when a guy needs fast money there's no better place to go."

CrackheadWilliams: Check-N-Go is "tweakalicious"

Tweaky added that the company's employees are usually pretty sympathetic to the plight of drug users.

"Most places throw me out when I start imagining cops in the back room or crazy stuff like that," he said, scratching at bugs under his skin. "But Check-N-Go's not like that; they even pointed a camera away from me once when I started freaking. You don't get that kind of service at Cash-To-You or Check Jones, no sir."


Mardi Gras "Pretty Freaking Dull" at New Orleans Rest Home

Hoeffler longs for a better party

(New Orleans, LA) Erwin Hoeffler listened to the sales pitch from the tour rep at the Maison Hospitalière Rest Home with excitement, at least "as much excitement as an 84-year-old geezer like me can handle."

The reality of life in the assisted living facility, however, leaves much to be desired, according to Hoeffler. In particular, the new resident was disappointed with the Mardi Gras celebration held this weekend.

"The reason I left that dump up round Natchitoches way was that I was told things get 'pretty crazy' here during Mardi Gras," he said, shaking his head. "Their idea of 'fun' in this shithole is lime Jello on Thursdays, and I'm about to light my sheets on fire to see some action in this dried-up old mausoleum."

Hoeffler, whose recently-replaced hips necessitated his "life among the undead," said that he couldn't believe how "out of the loop" his fellow residents were.

"They passed out strings of beads, and I got pretty fired up about that," he said, showing National Nitwit reporters several strands he collected. "So I started yelling: 'SHOW US YOUR TITS! SHOW US YOUR TITS!' and they stuck me in the fucking timeout room."

Left: Story hour at Camp Dullsville no picnic for Hoeffler

Things are so dull at the Dauphine Street facility, said Hoeffler, that he's thinking of going AWOL to find some fun.

"We're so close to the French Quarter that I can almost smell the sweat from all those naked boobs," he said, looking longingly out his second-floor window. "I'll be goddamned if I'm going to spend what might be my last Mardi Gras watching reruns of the Golden Girls. Fuck me."

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Your Neighbor is Grossed Out by Your Underwear Skidmarks

Peeping Tom Guest editorial by Paul Flaherty, your neighbor

As a full-time neighborhood voyeur, I see almost everything that goes on in this part of town. People coming, people going, and people doing all the other things I like to watch.

I gotta tell you though, dude - the skid marks on your underwear are grossing me out, and you really need to do something about them.

Now, I understand that we all have accidents, like when you think you're going to rip a nice, juicy fart and get surprised with a watery rectal blast. It happens to the best of us.

But I think every pair of underwear you own has a brown stripe down the back, and this is a real problem for me, so let's work together on this.

Do you even use toilet paper, dude?

The other day I was watching your wife put on her nylons, slowly rolling them up her leg. Just as I was starting to stroke myself, in you walked with a pair of rancid-looking skivvies that was more brown than white. I swear I could smell them from my perch in the tree behind your garage.

Instant flaccidity, you know what I mean?

And - I'm not trying to threaten you or anything - but if this relationship is going to work, something's gotta give. It's up to you to take the first step, because there's plenty of other houses I could be watching.

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Baby Mama Angry at Baby Daddy for Valentine's Day Spent with Other Baby Mama

Baby daddy posing with baby from baby mama Left: Hilliard with baby, before other baby momma show up

(Houston, TX) New mother Amanda Petty was shocked to find that her baby daddy Jake Hilliard "up and left last night" to spend Valentine's Day with another baby momma, Jessica Morton, who lives down the street.

"When I put Jake Jr. to bed he was sleeping on the couch, but when I got up this morning my baby daddy was gone," she cried. "Then I find out that hoe-bag Jessica Morton called him over there to take her to the hospital."

Morton, it appears, thought she was going into labor with the child she claims is Jake's, said Petty.

"What is really messed up is the baby ain't even born yet," said Petty. "How can Jake be a baby daddy when there ain't even a baby to be a daddy to?"

Baby mama with baby from baby daddy Other baby mama Morton with other baby Jake, Jr.

Petty is convinced that Morton faked the entire ordeal.

"She know that Jake is real emotional and compassionate and shit," said Petty. "But she really do this just to spend the day with him. As soon as I find someone to watch Jake Jr. I am going over to that hospital and kick that bitch's ass. Straight up."

Swatting a fly away from Jake Jr.'s head, Petty continued.

"And don't even get me started about what I'm gonna do to Jake," she said.

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Woman Uses Credit Scores to Choose Between Dating Prospects

Woman reviewing credit reportsPendergrast reviewing the TRW reports of her beaus

(Austin, TX) University of Texas junior Caitlyn Pendergrast, torn between the affections of two "really sweet guys," came upon a novel solution for her dilemma.

The accounting major decided to use the credit scores of the young men as the final arbiter in her decision.

"Ultimately I want a guy with some stability, someone who knows the value of having a good credit record," Pendergrast said, showing National Nitwit reporters a series of spreadsheets she developed. "Depending on your credit score, lenders will determine what risk you pose to them. I can't see myself spending the next five or six decades being weighed down by someone with lousy credit."

Between suitors Paul Killarney and Kevin McDougall, Pendergrast found that Killarney's credit rating of 745 "totally gave him the edge" over the mere 560 posted by McDougall.

"It looks like Kevin was late on his car payment three times in 2005, and he bounced a check in 2003," she said, shaking her head. "These are the kinds of red flags that should scare the hell out of any woman giving serious thought to dating Kevin."

Crestfallen young manMcDougall: "Crestfallen, but understanding" of Pendergrast's decision

Contacted by the National Nitwit, McDougall said that he is "totally cool with" Pendergrast's mate selection methodology.

"I knew that I was dancing with the Devil on those late payments, but with a younger sister needing a kidney transplant, what could I do?" he said of the three months he was out of work for the donation surgery. "I just want Caitlyn to know that I'll always be there for her, and my credit score is really just a snapshot of my credit risk at a particular point in time. Someday, somehow, I'll prove to her what kind of man I really am. Until then, my shadow's the only one that walks beside me on the boulevard of broken credit."

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Ultra-Famous Celebrity Does Something Somewhere

By Billy Pilgrim, National Nitwit Rogue Editor

Paparazzi swarm around the Something

(Somewhere, U.S.A.)—According to preliminary Associated Press reports obtained exclusively by the National Nitwit, an ultra-famous celebrity did something somewhere early this morning that was worthy of our collective fawning.

Jacob Wooster, a freelance photographer, had this to say about the occurrence.

“This was on the same level as Britney flashing the world her ragged cooch, and that’s saying something, because that thing looked worse than a spent wad of Double-Bubble,” Wooster remarked while editing dozens of candid snapshots on his laptop. “If I play my cards right, I could live off these pics through July 4th, baby.”

Everyday bystanders concurred that this incident was a remarkable one worthy of the national spotlight.

“I know we have a war going on, and half the country is about to be inundated with a foot of snow, but dammit, this celebrity did something,” remarked Judy Pennington, 23, local retail assistant for a Gap clothing outlet. “Like, to paraphrase Jesus, we’ll always have ‘the poor among us’—the car bombings, the new laws and stuff—but this celebrity, man, every second with them is a gift.”

Mary Hart of Entertainment Tonight, commenting on the ulta-famous celebrity who did something today Mary Hart, veteran reporter and longtime host of Entertainment Tonight, offered her insights on the American psyche and our fetishization of wealth and popularity.

“Well Billy, America is pretty much like an 8th grade class election—substance means nothing,” Hart intoned while having her hair done for tonight’s taping. “So when celebrities like this one do something, we need to stop and take notice. For me, it is a journalistic obligation. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have my exposé on the last menstruation cycle of Anna Nicole Smith in like five minutes.”

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Why, Oh Why, Did I Ask God to Smite Me With Brain Cancer?

Heather Gliomador, brain cancer patient and totally bummed out woman Guest editorial by Heather Gliomador, cancer patient

After you broke up with me, Jake, things got a little crazy, and I said some things I regret that night.

Like how much of an asshole you were, and how that little bitch Meghan you hooked up with was a total slut, and a lot of other shit I don't remember because I got falling-down, stinking drunk.

But why, oh why, did I ever ask God to smite me with brain cancer?

Christ, if I'd have known He was actually listening for a change, I would have prayed for something more useful, like a BMW. Or at least I could have asked Him to pay you back with a nasty case of herpes or something.

But no. Not Heather. Heather had to go and stand in the rain, raise her arms to Heaven, and ask for a fucking medulloblastoma.

Xray of a really big medulloblastoma, a form of brain cancerTHIS sure was a great birthday present, I must say

Hey God - could You have recognized I was totally wasted, despondent about a breakup, and completely out of my gourd that night?

I have an urge to shout the phrase "FUCK ME" at the top of my lungs right about now, but I'm afraid Somebody will get the wrong idea. Again.

And no offense, oh Holy One, but I really do have a headache. Big time.

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Coke Use Helps Teen Rediscover Her "Thinking Cap"

Teen girl snorting serious cocaine like there's no tomorrowBy Billy Pilgrim, National Nitwit Rogue Editor

(Los Angeles) Penelope Carter, 17, is a dedicated student and athlete. In fact, she spends so much of her time cramming for the SATs, honing her field hockey skills, and querying local universities for scholarships that she has nearly lost her imagination.

However, this all changed a few weeks ago when she discovered cocaine, which has allowed Carter to rediscover her ‘thinking cap,’ an affectionate term for creativity she learned years ago in elementary school.

“Man I remember when Mr. Richardson taught us about ‘thinking caps’ in first grade,” Carter reflected. “Until last month it felt like forever since I’d had an original thought—hey, do you like ice cream? I fucking love ice cream let’s get some ice cream and then cover it with sprinkles and smear it on my cat. Oh my god that’s hilarious let’s go go go GO!”

Carter has also reduced the amount of time she spends studying at night with the help of her newfound narcotic, thus unlocking the true artist within.

“I read my geometry textbook three times last night cover to cover,” Carter revealed. “And it only took 19 minutes. And then I did some jumping jacks and painted a yellow pony on my bedroom wall and ran around the block. Do you know anything about Pythagoras because I could tell you lots. See, in a right triangle, the area of the hypotenuse is like squared and it's equal to the sum of sides of the squares or the legs of the squares or something like that!"

Great big pile of cocaine, just waiting to get snorted And while many of Carter’s close friends are concerned about her rampant consumption of Bolivian marching powder, only time will tell if the drug will have a detrimental impact on her health.

“My nose? Oh, my nose is fine and this stuff is just like candy!” Carter assured her concerned acquaintances. “Hey I’m gonna watch a few Robin Williams DVDs he is so funny I love how he makes weird faces and is totally on my level and he talks in all those crazy voices and if he was like 18 I would TOTALLY nail him but he's like this really old guy and that would be kinda gross since he's like wrinkled and why don’t you go make some popcorn but first call Rodrigo cuz we're LOW ON BLOW, JOE!”

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Man Installs Lead Sheets to Fight Wireless Piggybacking

Man cutting lead sheets to put up as a barrier against Internet piggybackers(Atlanta, GA) Harold Merriworth said that he is a "reasonable guy," but that he has reached a point where he needs to take drastic action against some neighbors who piggyback his 200mw A/P wireless signal.

"I think there are at least three blatant SOBs sucking up my bandwidth, and this is really getting old," he told National Nitwit reporters. "It's getting so bad that it takes, like, 30 seconds just to upload the Google homepage."

Merriworth's innovative solution is to install lead sheeting on the exterior walls of his house to combat the "signal leeches," or people who tap into someone else's wireless Internet connection without permission.

"I was getting ready to remodel the house anyways, so it's not that much more work to cut and hand sections of lead," he said, adding that he is using zinc-coated sheeting for improved safety. "It's either that, or I go back to dial-up."

Merriworth's router in its new leaded location

Merriworth admits that he is not sure if his plan will ultimately succeed in disrupting the actions of his "persistent" piggybacking neighbors.

"I tried passwords and encryption, but these pricks are pretty decent hackers," he acknowledged. "But at the very least I'll be in better shape if someone drops a dirty bomb in the neighborhood."


Elton John Races to Remix "Candle" for Anna Nicole Smith

(London) Pop singer Sir Elton John, who has released version of the song "Candle in the Wind" for Marilyn Monroe and Princess Diana, is in his East London studio developing a new version of the song for pop icon Anna Nicole Smith who died yesterday of unknown causes.

John said that he was moved by the life of the late Anna Nicole.

"In so many ways she paralleled the life of Marilyn, and I would be remiss in my duties if I didn't offer her a eulogical song," he said, wiping away tears. "Plus, I sold like 33 million copies of 'Candle 1997' for Lady Di, so I'd be a fucking wanker to pass this opportunity up."

John played a demo tape for reporters at a press conference this morning. The song kept most of the musical attributes of its predecessor, but used some new lyrics to highlight the life of Anna Nicole Smith:

They crawled out of the woodwork
And they whispered into your brain
They set you on the treadmill
Because of the weight you'd gained.

Anna Nicole Smith, the subject of a Sir Elton John musical tribute"Yes, that was a bit crass, but I wanted to capture all of Anna Nicole," he admitted. "I'm really struggling to find something that rhymes with 'TrimSpa,' though. Any ideas?"

John said that he hopes for a CD single release within the "next 48 hours or so."

"Listen, man - you have to strike while the curling iron is hot," he chuckled. "I mean, it's a shame and all about Anna Nicole, but this thing's only going to sell until the next celebrity dies. I got bills, you know?"

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Woman Recalls Horror of Hypnosis From Enya Music

(DeKalb, IL) Megan Kingsbury, speaking with National Nitwit reporters, recounted a recent incident that she says has left her "scarred and devastated."

"I was reading a book in my living room when that song 'Sail Away' by Enya shuffled on the CD player," she said, unconsciously shivering as she relived the moment. "I think my roommate put it on there. Anyways, within seconds I noticed this light tingling in my fingers and toes. I didn't pay it much attention, but maybe it was like a warning sign."

Kingsbury said that the music suddenly left her in a hypnotic state, and that she became "totally paralyzed."

"I was extremely disoriented, normal reality had just disappeared, I was physically dizzy and unable to move," she said, staring into the distance. "Then I got this paranoia that I was going to die because the music had taken control of me, which was mixed with periodic flashes where my surroundings would hang motionless and appear really beautiful and I felt alternately painless and petrified."

For what seemed like hours, said Kingsbury, the Enya music pinned her in her living room chair.

"My entire visual field was vibrating. Full of crazy patterns, everything was so patterned...and vibrating. The walls were fucking breathing," she shuddered. "And I couldn't move, I was just... just forever motionless."

The music of Enya: Light, ethereal, and paralysis-inducing

Kingsbury said that, in her state of catatonia, she began to observe bizarre changes in her physical form as the CD ended and the paralysis began to subside.

"My body-perception was mostly normal from the top of my head down to my neck, but then my body narrowed down to an infinitely thin dot at this point in my chest," she said, wiping away a tear. "Then it flowed down about three feet, curved around behind my back and below my waist, where it then flowed off into infinity. I became atemporal. I existed both without time and through an infinite amount of time. Damn you, Enya!"

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Frat Brothers Say Canine Mascot is Top Partier

Peaceful collie with a major buzz By Billy Pilgrim, Codependent Collegian Rogue Editor

Left: Cooper, stoned “right out his freaking gourd,” experiencing a vivid buttercup hallucination

(University, MS)—The Phi Beta Kappa fraternity at Ole Miss has always had a reputation for raucous, outlandish behavior, and the 2006-7 academic year has been no exception.

However, now that final exams have passed and students are back from break, the Phi boys have now seen their partying and chronic inebriation rise at the same alarming rate as their stress levels. And perhaps no member of the frat has shouldered this burden more than Cooper, AKA “Sir Trips-A-Lot,” the frat house’s excitable and friendly four-year-old collie.

Druken fraternity idiots “I’ve never seen a creature ingest more foul shit in my entire life,” remarked Kyle Preston, 22, a senior psychology major. “That dog ate like, three hash brownies and lapped up at least four spilt beers, and was still able to walk. And brother, that was on a Tuesday.”

Preston also revealed that some of Cooper’s cerebral voyages were involuntary, but that such illicit experiments were conducted all in the name of science.

“Chuck [Vickerson] bought an ounce of some righteous Kind Bud last Saturday, so that shit was on,” remarked Preston. “We must have blown at least thirteen or fourteen bong hits right into Cooper’s face, plus we are pretty sure he wolfed down a couple of tabs of Ecstasy on top of that. I know that may sound cruel to some of your readers, but you should see what Cooper did, man — he got into my girlfriend’s paint set and went Van Gogh up in this bitch.”

Left: A paw-print masterpiece by Cooper

Only time will tell if Cooper’s artistic exploits will inspire the rest of the fraternity to explore their artistic potential on a level beyond mere hedonism.

“Normally we just get shit-faced and throw the TV remote at each other’s balls, but this amazing dog has made me rethink everything,” intoned Robert Muldowsky, 19, a sophomore and newly-admitted rush. “Maybe we should like, form a band or start writing poetry when we’re all whacked out. I mean, it’s not like we’re gonna study. Fuck that.”

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Secretary Gates Irritated at Wedgies, Titty Twisters

President Bush giving Defense Secretary Robert Gates the old rabbit ears at swearing-in ceremony Left: President Bush giving Gates a set of rabbit ears at swearing-in ceremony

(Washington) Defense Secretary Robert Gates said, though he is a team player, the wedgie administered to him by Vice President Dick Cheney was "way over the line" of appropriate behavior.

In addition, said Gates, the "titty twisters" and "nut crushers" that he has received from fellow Cabinet members have interfered with his ability to manage the conflict in Iraq.

"The president has made it clear, the secretary of State has made it clear and I have made it clear, we are not planning for a war with Iran," he told National Nitwit reporters. "But there's going to be a fucking war in Washington if these pricks don't knock this juvenile shit off. Right fucking now."

Gates said he sees four different conflicts in Iraq, including the Sunni versus Shia sectarian violence in Baghdad, but does not see the large-scale fighting and the split in the government and the army that he would consider a part of an Iraqi civil war. He warned, though, that tensions in DC may bring about a new conflict.

"I'm deadly serious about all this," he said, taking off a 'Kick Me Hard' sign from the seat of his pants. "If these idiots keep this shit up, there's going to be a real war. And don't forget - I've got an almost unlimited supply of RPGs at my disposal."

Left: An example of the endless teasing Gates has had to endure as newest Cabinet member

Gates said that he hopes his period of initiation will end soon, before his working relationships deteriorate.

"I had a good meeting this morning at the White House with the president and General Petraeus and General Pace, discussing the situation in Iraq," he said. "Then, out of the blue, Petraeus sticks a whoopie cushion on my chair. Very fucking funny, ass face. I like a joke as much as the next guy, but these bastards don't know when to quit."

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Ricky Manning, Jr. Hoping to Impress Dad Archie in Super Bowl

(Miami) There's a lot more on the line for Chicago Bear's defensive back Ricky Manning, Jr. in today's Super Bowl than just a championship ring.

The fourth-year star out of UCLA hopes to mend some family ties with estranged father Archie Manning.

"Ever since I was a little kid, my dad has always looked down on me because... I play defense," he said, looking down. "Peyton and Eli have always gotten more of his time and love than I ever did. Maybe if I play well, my Dad will accept me for who I am - an All-Pro cornerback."

Manning Jr., who tied for the Chicago team lead with five interceptions in the regular season, has one of the Bears’ two picks in the postseason, and five interceptions in nine postseason games in his career. Still, he said, Archie Manning has never congratulated him after a good game.

"I used to see him peeking at my games from beside the bleachers in high school, but by the time the game ended, he'd be gone," said Manning, Jr. "And when we'd sit down home for dinner, nobody would ever talk about me being a football player. Just about Peyton, Cooper, and Eli, the fuckers."

Archie Manning reluctant to show his love for son Ricky, Jr.Left: Archie Manning reluctant to show his love for son Ricky Manning, Jr.

Manning, Jr. believes his father bears some "hidden grudge" from a point before he was born.

"There's some talk that my Mom and some linebacker from the Chiefs hooked up, and that I'm not really my Dad's son," he said, looking off into the distance. "But I like to think that I'm always a part of him, no matter what. And just because I play defense is no reason for him to ignore me. I just want to be loved, OK, Dad?"

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Man on Acid Discovers Meaning of Life in Spam Email

By Billy Pilgrim, National Nitwit Rogue Editor

Artist’s rendition of Banks’ divine encounter

(Des Moines, IA)—Peter Banks, 27, has experimented with a vast array of psychedelic substances in recent years in hopes of unearthing the secrets of his existence. But after ingesting “mounds of pot and ‘shrooms,” Banks has been left wanting, unsure of his terrestrial purpose.

This all changed last night, however, when Banks took two hits of LSD and discovered God’s eternal love in a spam email.

“Man, I felt that shit come on like a tsunami around 9 o’clock,” Banks remarked while recuperating on his couch with some saltine crackers and bottled water. “But even still, with all my visions, I couldn’t reach a heightened state of serenity and understanding. So that’s when I decided to check my email.”

The rest, according to Banks, is history.

“As soon as I clicked on the icon, I knew God was speaking directly to me,” Banks intoned. “The sheer poetry of those words—‘shatterproof printout the hardcore tabernacle of the city disclosed lover why seek the boiled waif’—I knew the Lord was reaching out to my broken spirit. I fell to my knees and wept like one who had finally achieved unconditional forgiveness. And then I made some Bagel Bites, because after all that, my ass was like, fucking starving.”

Left: Email containing inspirational passage

Banks hopes to receive additional messages from heaven in the coming days and weeks, given his initial discovery.

“It’s been slow going today, since all my spam has said things like BOOBIE SUCKFEST and HOODIA MAKE LONG MILF BANG, so maybe God is taking the day off or something,” Banks considered. “At least I don’t think these are from God…that would be pretty messed up if they were.”

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Dude - We Need a Biohazard Unit in This Bathroom - STAT!

Guest editorial by Jeremy Parsons, last user of dorm toilet

There are times when all of us create bathroom funk that causes our roommates to become, well, a bit disgusted. We all eat bad combinations of food - like onion rings and cheap beer, for example - that bring about a wave of foul odors.

Then there are emergency situations, like what we have right now after I took a mighty dump within the confines of our once-pristine lavatory facility.

And dude - we need a biohazard unit in the john - STAT!

I know what you're thinking: "Come on, man - it can't be that bad. Can it be any worse than when our beloved but menstruating friend Amber left a funky used tampon in the trash, with the door sealed, over spring break, a smell so noxious it took weeks to remove it?"

And yes - it's worse than that. I'm talking deadly. I had to crawl out of there on my hands and knees, tears welling in my eyes from the acrid fumes that emanated from the depths of our toilet.

I am still tasting the bile that crept up into my throat, an involuntary response to a stench so vile, so putrid, so ...inhuman... as to defy logic and reason.

Thus, I implore you, friends - get some professionals here in rapid fashion, before the evil that lurks within our bathroom consumes every one of us.

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