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Man Honors Site of Miraculous Piss with Roadside Cross

Roadside cross and site of profound pissLeft: In memory of a 'holy' event

By Billy Pilgrim, Toledo Tales Rogue Editor

(Toledo, OH)—Larry Simpson, a life-long Toledo resident, recently marked the site of his “massive Friday night whiz” with a Christian roadside marker to honor the hallowed nature of the event.

Simpson consumed approximately 13 pints of Budweiser at Jo-Jo’s Pizzeria on Monroe Street between the hours of 7 and 11 p.m., and his bladder ached at the very thought of release.

“Jesus, I thought I was gonna burst,” mumbled Simpson between drags from his Marlboro Light. “I tried to make it back to Bancroft Hills, but nature won out. Let’s just say I blessed the good soil with two liters of man-juice, and was compelled to commemorate the event.”

Winding up on the freeway, he staggered off and let everything flow. Simpson said that he felt that his experience "bordered on the sacred."

"I swear that I saw God that night," he said. "What transpired on the side of the road was visionary moment, a truly holy event. I had to get on my knees afterward, but I think that was probably because I had to barf, too."

Freeway at night Left: Scene of ultimate urinary event

Some Toledoans were offended, however, since they felt the cross cheapened several deaths from recent automobile accidents.

“This is an atrocious denigration of religious symbolism,” said Barbara Vera, a local parent who lost her only daughter in a horrific car crash. “We had to identify our Lauren by her dental records, and this fucker gets to celebrate his alcoholism? I’d punch him in the balls if I knew where he lived.”


Carryout Owner Refuses to Toss Last Slice of Dried-Out Pizza

Left: Still waiting for a hungry customer

(Columbus, OH) According to Stop-N-Go owner Ralph Heddinger, there is "nothing wrong" with the slice of pizza left in the warmer overnight, and he plans to keep the product in the display case until it gets sold.

"Listen - that machine maintains a steady 160 degrees, so there's no reason we can't sell it," he insisted, spraying some vegetable oil on the slice to shine it up. "It's a perfectly good piece of merchandise, and I'll be damned if I'm going to take a loss on it."

The slice in question was part of a whole pizza cooked the previous evening by overnight manager Alicia Perkins, who neglected to throw out the last piece.

"Someone is bound to come in and want a slice of pizza," said Heddinger, glancing at his watch. "And I want to be ready when that someone shows up, even if I have to wait until noon."

Left: Heddinger is always cognizant of food costs and runs a tight ship

Heddinger blames a pack of local teens for the leftover pizza dilemma.

"We always run a 2-for-1 pizza slice special, which works great since there are six slices per pizza," he said, pointing to a nearby cutting board. "But these little punks come in here with, like, 68 cents and want to buy a single slice. Screws us up all the time."

If no one buys the slice by noon, added Heddinger, he will buy it himself.

"I'll be damned if I will sit by and watch food go to waste," he said. "Besides, there's always drunks rolling in here. They'll eat up just about anything. Last week I watched this hopped-up fool down three Jumbo Dogs that had been on the roller grill so long they looked like beef jerky. Never batted an eye, and he even thanked me for having food ready at 5 am."


Relatives of Slain Man "Shocked" at His Cowardly Exit

Left: Body of murder victim and "total wussy" Miller

(Dallas, TX) Relatives and acquaintances of the late Robert Miller, a 32-year-old shooting victim, gathered to share their memories of the slain man's gutless final moments.

"I used to think I knew Bobby, but the way he cried for mercy when the gun was to his head was disgusting," said cousin and crime witness Tre Beauchamp. "I lost a lot of respect for him, the way he blubbered after he'd been shot. It just hurts me to see him go out like that."

Witnesses to the unprovoked violence said that Miller "bawled like a fucking three-year-old" after receiving three .38 caliber slugs to the abdomen and chest.

"Oh yeah - blood was pouring out of him, and there he was, whimpering for his mom and sister," said a dejected Tracy Samuels, half-brother to Miller. "I'm glad I found out this way, instead of believing that Bobby would have had my back. What a total limpdick."

Left: Miller, before the world learned what a complete chicken shit he was

Miller's mother said that she was "sickened" when she learned of her son's final moments cowing before his killer.

"I didn't raise my boy to be a little sissy man," she said, wiping away tears. "If he were alive right now I would beat his ass for being such a pussy. Imagine - crawling on the ground and crying like a retarded kid who spilled his Pepsi. That's just terrible."


Man Not Sure if Fritos or Dirty Socks are Making His Couch Stink

Fritos and sweat socks Left: The culprits in the stench mystery

(Chicago, IL) A "sickeningly rancid smell" has begun to emanate from the couch of Windy City resident Greg Pittman, but he remains uncertain as to its origin.

"I've pretty much narrowed it down to old Fritos and dirty sweat socks," he said, pawing through the rubbish that had fallen in between the cushions. "Trouble is - it's pretty much the same smell, right?"

Pittman said that he began to notice the odor "a couple of weeks ago," but that it became "unbearable" over the weekend.

Filthy, reeking couch "My friend Marty crashed on [the couch] Friday through Sunday nights," he said, dousing the offensive ottoman with Lysol. "Whatever he was doing on that couch definitely made it turn rank. Really rank."

Compounding the problem for Pittman is the fact that the couch is also the favorite lounging spot for his pet Newfoundland.

"Viktor - that's my dog - calls the couch his home," he said, balling up wads of shedded hair. "I'd hate to deprive the poor beast of his spot, but this vile, reeking piece of furniture is making it impossible to keep a love life going. It's bad enough when the girl is sort of scrunching her nose when we are having sex on the couch, but it's just too much when she smells it as soon as I open the apartment door. Hell - even I can't stand it any more."


Senator's Staff Lists Slurs Allen Has Never Used

Left: Allen and campaign worker enjoying some watermelon provided by a few helpful darkies

(Washington, DC) Staffers for Senator George Allen (R-VA) released a compendium of racial epithets believed to have never been uttered by the embattled politician.

"We can say without qualification that the Senator has never spoken the words 'hebe,' 'jigaboo,' or 'porch monkey,'" said Dick Wadhams, Allen's campaign manager. "He has never actually said aloud the words 'Americoon' or 'towel head,' although he has written them a few times."

Wadhams said that there was some confusion about the term 'Ching Chong' to reference persons of Chinese extraction.

"The Senator was sure he had never said that one, but then we found a tape and - dang it - he called this young man that over at a Chink-ateria," he said. "We had to scratch that one off the list."

Hattie McDaniels GWTWLeft: No suh - never heard de gub-nah speak bad a no-body

Wadhams added that George Allen is "really a decent guy" once you get past his tendency to use insensitive speech.

"Why, just last week he a bunch of them poor colored kids over to the house, just a-singing and a-dancing up a storm," he chuckled. "It was like something out of Gone With The Wind, it was."


Wikipedia Editor "Overwhelmed" by Number of Wiki Vandals

Frustrated Wikipedia editor Left: The stress of editing takes its toll

(Butte, MT) Carl Gnacchera spends a lot of time editing the online encyclopedia Wikipedia, and mostly because of the virtual vandalism created by "users hell-bent on destroying Wikitegrity," he said.

"Some nights I am up until 4:00 am undoing bullshit like "u r so gay" entered under articles on Mahatma Gandhi," he said, sipping his espresso. "If I was not there, who would weed out all of this crap?"

Gnacchera said that a recent battle with chronic vandal "Lickmytaint" nearly drove him "over the edge."

"The little prick kept editing the entry for his high school by listing the principal as 'Adolf Hitler' and the dean of students as 'Harry P. Ness,'" he lamented, lighting up a Marlboro. "I should have just let it go, but I got into this revert-unrevert battle with the asshole for almost an hour before he quit."

Ashtray with Marlboro buttsLeft: How Gnacchera copes with Wikivandals

Wikipedia editors, reminded Gnacchera to National Nitwit reporters, are not paid for their work.

"You'd think these sick SOBs would understand that we are volunteers," he said, shaking his head. "But every 30 seconds some dipshit thinks he's funny by typing 'SKANKY SLEAZY HO' to replace an entire article on Ashlee Simpson. Yeah, Wiki always wins in the end, but what is wrong with these people?"


I've Been Piggybacking Your Wireless to Download Porn

Pervert at computerGuest editorial by Marcus Wilson, your neighbor

Left: Smiling all the way to the tube of hand lotion

Has your computer been running slow lately? Could be that the 332 MB file containing the film "Naughty, Nasty, and Nubile" that I am currently watching is sucking up your bandwidth like Robert Downey Jr. in front of a pile of blow.

Yes, I have been piggybacking onto your wireless connection to expand my porn collection.

This setup really works great for me. I am able to save $30 a month in Internet access fees, while leaving you on the hook when the FBI raids your house to search for the pictures of the naked 14-year-old girl from Thailand I downloaded last month.

Some might find me "sick," and maybe they are right. But one thing I am not is stupid, and I know a good deal when I see one.

wireless routersRevolutionizing the world of cheap thrills and teenage tarts

Your wireless is a good deal, neighbor.

Listen, I gotta run. But could you do me one favor? Tell your kid that those Kazaa files he's been pirating have really been crimping my style.

How the hell am I going to keep a two-way web cam orgy going if Stevie over there keeps downloading that stupid Nickelback song twelve times in a row?

Thanks, neighbor. My only other option ia a weak signal from six houses down, and I have to be on my front porch to hack that one. Obvious logistical problems out there.

You're a real pal!


Use of Cocaine Helps Teen Rediscover Her 'Thinking Cap'

Teen girl snorting cocaineBy Billy Pilgrim, National Nitwit Rogue Editor

(Los Angeles) Penelope Carter, 17, is a dedicated student and athlete. In fact, she spends so much of her time cramming for the SATs, honing her field hockey skills, and querying local universities for scholarships that she has nearly lost her imagination.

However, this all changed a few weeks ago when she discovered cocaine, which has allowed Carter to rediscover her ‘thinking cap,’ an affectionate term for creativity she learned years ago in elementary school.

“Man I remember when Mr. Richardson taught us about ‘thinking caps’ in first grade,” Carter reflected. “Until last month it felt like forever since I’d had an original thought—hey, do you like ice cream? I fucking love ice cream let’s get some ice cream and then cover it with sprinkles and smear it on my cat. Oh my god that’s hilarious let’s GO!”

Carter has also reduced the amount of time she spends studying at night with the help of her newfound narcotic, thus unlocking the true artist within.

“I read my geometry textbook three times last night cover to cover,” Carter revealed. “And it only took 19 minutes. And then I did some jumping jacks and painted a yellow pony on my bedroom wall and ran around the block. Do you know anything about Pythagoras because I could tell you lots.”

Pile of cocaine And while many of Carter’s close friends are concerned about her rampant consumption of Bolivian marching powder, only time will tell if the drug will have a detrimental impact on her health.

“My nose? Oh, my nose is fine and this stuff is just like candy!” Carter assured her concerned acquaintances. “Hey I’m gonna watch a few Robin Williams DVDs he is so funny I love how he makes weird faces and is totally on my level why don’t you go make some popcorn but first call Rodrigo cuz we're LOW ON BLOW, JOE!”


Man "Praying" that His Diarrhea is Related to E. coli

Left: Phillipart hopes his ship has come in

(Kansas City, MO) Steve Phillipart said that he has waited "a long time for opportunity to come a-knocking," and his moment may have arrived in the form of a bad case of diarrhea.

"When Agent Brown first hit me last Friday, I was pretty down. At least until I saw all of those E. coli-bagged spinach news stories," he said, crossing his legs. "Then I remembered I ate spinach last week, and I scooted my loose bowels over to the emergency room to get some tests done. If this comes back E. coli 0157:H7, I will have hit the rectal lottery."

Phillipart said that his week-long "chocolate splat" will have been "most worthwhile."

"I figure it ought to be worth at least five grand for every day I've had the butt gravy," he said, shifting his feet. "I must have shit a flock of sparrows by Monday night, and since then I've been cooking up 5-6 batches of trouser chili a day. Christ, I'm worn out."

Left: Microscopic tickets to Easy Street

Least sympathetic to his plight has been "the little woman," said Phillipart.

"She threatened to shove a cork in me if I splattered any more brownie batter on the inside of the toilet," he replied, beads of sweat beginning to glisten on his forehead. "Listen - I'd love to keep to chatting about this, but I'm way overdue to let out a gallon of supersonic sewer sauce. Gotta run. Heh - that's a funny one."


"Dr. Death" Builds Suicide Vest for Terminally Ill Terrorists

Dr. Jack Kevorkian, aka Dr. Death (Pontiac, MI) Controversial American physician Dr. Jack Kevorkian, currently serving a prison sentence for helping patients with voluntary euthanasia, unveiled plans for a new "assisted suicide vest."

"While we may despise terrorists, they are human beings just like you and me," said Kevorkian. "My assisted suicide vest allows them to die with dignity, while simultaneously blowing the ever-loving bejeesus out of a target. Or would that be 'be-Allah'? Heh!"

Kevorkian said that his new design, however, has some philosophical issues that must be worked out.

"Under Islamic law suicide is forbidden," he said. "So the terminal terrorist must keep his act of martyrdom top of mind when he sets off the detonator, or he will be doomed for eternity. I think they might have to get hypnotized or something. I know I have trouble consciously trying to forget the thing that keeps popping up in my head, like a pink elephant. See? Now you'll be thinking about pink elephants all day. Crazy, huh?"

suicide vest Left: Even terrorists deserve death with dignity

Kevorkian admitted that he has not approached any terrorist organizations about the idea.

"They're not exactly in the phone book," he said. "But I figure they'll know how to find me when they need help. Hey Osama - here's an idea! Maybe you should recruit at hospices. Those people are going to drop dead anyways, and maybe a few of them might want to go out with a bang. Heh heh. Get it - bang? I just kill me."


Grad Student "Shocked" at Discovery of Gray Pubic Hair

grad student with gray pubic hairLeft: Courtier not pleased

(Ann Arbor, MI) While climbing out of the shower last week, Megan Courtier made a “life-changing” discovery: the sudden appearance of a gray hair in her nether regions.

The second-year sociology doctoral candidate confided her secret shame to National Nitwitreporters.

“I’m only 26, so there’s no good reason for this to be happening to me,” she sobbed. “I may never be able to be intimate with a man ever again.”

The particular location of the stray gray hair was especially disconcerting to Courtier.

“If it was on the top of my head I might never have noticed it, and it could have even made me look more professional,” she said, looking away. “But down there?!?!? Now I look like a wrinkled old whore.”

Courtier admitted that she was “clueless” as to her next moves.

“I’ve heard that two more will grow if I pluck this one,” she said. “And I also heard that the hair-color companies put a gray-promoting chemical in their dyes to make you have to keep buying more and more of that ‘Gray-B-Gone’ crap”

Boyfriend walking away Left: Steenburg has been aloof since the discovery

The hair problem has also strained her relationship with fellow Michigan grad student and boyfriend Matt Steenberg, said Courtier.

“Matt hasn’t even touched me since I showed him yesterday,” she said. “But there is no way I am going to live a lie. He’ll either have to love me for who I am or get the hell out.”


Student "Forever Scarred" after Seeing Porn Shot of Guy with Socks and Sandals

Socks with sandals on this Romeo Left: "Git 'er done"

(State College, PA) Engineering student Nathan Greer got more than he bargained for while masturbating to some online porn last week.

"It was an 'Amateurs Only' video with a guy and two chicks, nothing too weird," he said, still visibly shaken by the ordeal. "Then the camera panned down to the guy's feet, which were clad in green socks and sandals."

Greer said that, not only did he lose his desire, but that he has had recurrent problems since that time.

"I can't get the image of that guy's nasty, smelly wool socks out of my head," the Penn State Freshman admitted, scratching behind his neck. "Every time I want to spank the plank all I can think of is that horrible video clip. It's like a scabby sore that you just keep picking at and picking at, you know?""

Greer is totally grossed out
Left: "God, no!"

Greer believes that the porn site, "Totally Hot Amateurs and Cock-Loving Coeds," owes him both a refund and an apology.

"Some things just should not be filmed," he said, showing Codependent Collegian reporters the 15 second segment. "At least they should file this sort of filth under "Bizarre Sex Acts" or "Freaky Fo-Shizzle" or something like that. Ugh!"


Julio Iglesias to Release Death Metal Album

Left: "Born again" Julio Iglesias reinvents himself

(New York) Singer Julio Iglesias, perhaps best known for his duet with Willie Nelson on the single "To All The Girls I've Loved Before", announced that he will release an album of death metal classics.

"This always been one of my favorite musics," he told gathered reporters, preparing to sing a Spultura classic, Mayhem. "I sing now: 'Endless war, endless screams in the boundaries of hell we live, total death, total hate on the devastated plains we fight.' How you like? Good, no? Also - Love is like wine. To sip is fine, but to empty the bottle is a headache. Remember that, no?"

Iglesias believes that the satanic career move will help him tap into new audience demographics.

"The kids, they look for someone to sing for them," he said. "But these death singers - they have no style. They have no love. I show everyone how to rock it and still get the girl ready for the lovemaking. She not wanting to chingar when you growl like Cookie Monster."

Morbid AngelLeft: Morbid Angel sets the stage for Iglesias

Iglesias is backed on the new album by longtime death metal icons Morbid Angel.

"[Guitarist and drummer] Trey and Pete - they sure can play," he laughed. "I not sure I always know the right key, but hey - it's for the kids, no?"


Brando’s Ghost Appears at Olive Garden, Demands Service

Marlon Brando By Billy Pilgrim, National Nitwit Rogue Editor

(Los Angeles, CA)—The disembodied spirit of Marlon Brando, one of the most iconic American actors of the 20th century, appeared before a startled dinner crowd yesterday evening at an Olive Garden restaurant near Hollywood, insisting the wait staff serve him a smorgasbord of premier Italian entrees.

And despite their rigorous training and inculcated professionalism, the Olive Garden staff workers were visibly shaken by the experience.

“Mickey Rourke wandered in here drunk last November, but this was like, on a whole different level,” remarked line cook Shaun Whirling, 19. “I thought someone had slipped me a hit of acid at first, but there he was: the Godfather, barking orders for seventeen platters of veal parmesan.”

Other employees corroborated Whirling’s uneasy assessment of Brando’s mystical emergence.

“That dead motherfucker pinched my ass,” huffed Bianca “Fay-Fay” Alvarez, 21, one of the restaurant’s most esteemed servers. “I don’t care how cute he be back in 1840 or whatever—that shit is gross. I don’t need no dead-ass hands on me.”

Left: Endless soup, salad, and breadsticks bought the servers some timeLeft: Endless soup, salad, and breadsticks bought the servers some time

Thankfully, Brando’s materialization ended as quickly as it began, with little fanfare or disturbance.

“He certainly calmed down after that fifth plate of sirloin tips,” revealed Jim Florentine, 33, assistant manager. “I just hope he makes a reservation next time. That fat bastard’s soul backed our kitchen up for two hours. If there was a secret shopper in attendance that night, we’re all out of a job.”


Pope Apologizes to "Murderous Muslim Infidels" for His Comments

Left: Pope Benedict XVI tries to make amends with the world's proto-terrorists

(Vatican City) Pope Benedict XVI, whose remarks on Islam and jihad unleashed a torrent of rage that many fear could burst into violent protests, apologized to the world's idolatrous Saracens in a speech tonight.

"Little did I know that my quotations an obscure medieval text would anger the slovenly Musselmen of the world," he said in a prepared speech. "Tonight I apologize for causing you to get your hijabs and kaffiyehs in a bundle."

Vatican spokesman Federico Lombardi earlier tried to defuse the anger, saying the pope did not intend to offend the sensibilities of the world's misguided Mohammedans.

"The fact is that Pope Benedict loves people who worship Mohammed, and in fact employs several to cut the Vatican's grass," he said. "If it weren't for all these teeming Moslem hordes entering Europe, we might never get the pool cleaned, either."

The Pope hoped to extend an olive branch to the offended Moors.

"I'd like to invite every angry suicide bomber to the Vatican for a cookout," he said. "We could grill up some nice bratwurst and saumagen and work this all out."


Office Worker Sinks 22 Straight Paper Wads, Breaks Ford Corporate Record

HR managerLeft: Townshend savors his victory

(Dearborn, MI) Gritting his teeth, Ford Motor Company human resource manager Lance Townshend took aim and let fly his 22nd consecutive paper wad shot, which rattled around the rim of the black trash can before falling in.

"YESSS!" he exclaimed, drawing looks from other HR employees. "Nothin' but can!"

Townshend has been working on his game for several months now, but had previously been able to sink only nine straight shots.

"The can is 15 feet away, so these are definitely not slam dunks," he said, crumbling up a piece of 8-1/2"x11" paper for another round. "Lately I've been concentrating on getting a little more arc on my shot, and the hard work is paying off."

Paper wads in black trash canLeft: A productive morning for Townshend

Townshend is counting down the days until he receives one of the layoff notices that he has been using as sporting equipment.

"Things are definitely not looking good here," he said, letting fly another wad of paper. "But HR probably won't get the axe until at least after Christmas, since they have to keep enough people here to handle the unemployment claims and COBRA bullshit. Whoa - that one banked off [fellow HR employee Carl] Nelson's desk. I'll give him the assist."

The previous Ford corporate record of 19 shots was held by economy model design engineer Joseph Nichols, who set his mark in 1997 during the beginning of the SUV boom.


Roommate Convinced that Painting of Napoleon "Totally Knows We Are Stoned!"

Left: He sees all

(Columbus, OH) OSU sophomores Josh Crittenden and Brad Sterling just finished off "some über bong hits" in the basement of the Rec Center when they noticed a print of Jacques-Louis David's The Emperor Napoleon in His Study at the Tuileries (1812).

"Dude, Napoleon is staring right at us!" exclaimed Crittenden. "Check it out - his fucking eyes follow us while we're walking."

Sterling became, according to Crittenden, "majorly tweaked" at the idea that the painting was staring at the two students.

"He's all like 'Do you think it's some kind of spy cam, with, like, lenses in the eyes of Napoleon or something going back to campus security?'" Crittenden laughed. "And I'm all like 'Yeah, dude, Napoleon totally knows we are stoned.'"

Crittenden said his roommate's paranoia continued through the evening.

"The fucker was looking over his shoulder all night," he said. "Of course I was throwing little wads of paper and shit at Brad to make him jump, because who can pass up a chance to screw with someone who is freaking?"


Woman Admits 'Second Life' Online Game is Her Only Life

Woman who lives for Second LifeLeft: Shull lives for Second Life

(Skokie, IL) Homebody and confessed loner Becky Shull acknowledged to reporters what many have long suspected: the 36-year-old has no life outside of her participation in the virtual world of Second Life.

"It's true - I pretty much spend most of my waking hours in Second Life," she said, pausing from her efforts to attract virtual tenants to her recently constructed housing project. "But at least here the people you meet are so real."

Second Life is part of an emerging wave of online games in which thousands of people can go online simultaneously, creating an etherworld while interacting with other lonely souls. Shull said that, unlike her "flesh" life, Second Life offers things she might never have experienced.

"My relationships are stable, and when I am ready to move on, the decision is mine," she said, directing one of her characters into a swingers' club. "And if things don't work out, nobody gets hurt. You just create a new life."

Shull as 'Candy' flirts with another woman as her dejected ex-boyfriend 'Rod' sulks in Second LifeLeft: Shull as "Candy" flirts with another woman as her dejected ex-boyfriend "Rod" sulks

Shull also views Second Life as an "incredible psychology tool" that has helped her deal with trauma in the world of carbon life forms.

"Let's just say that everyone who has ever shit on me now knows the meaning of the word 'karma,'" she chuckled, encouraging a character to steal money from an unsuspecting roommate. "I now feel much better about myself, and I feel as though I can accomplish any goal in the Metaverse."


Crackhead Commemorates 9/11 by Getting High, Stealing Your TV

Crackhead Left: Local resident "Tweaky"

(Toledo, OH) Local crack cocaine afficianado "Tweaky" Williams was among tens of millions of Americans who used the fifth anniversary of the attacks of September 11, 2001 to remember the victims.

"Oh yeah - that," mumbled Williams between hits on the crack pipe. "That was some bad shit, alright. Like, a hundred people died or something, right? Wait a minute - is there someone on my front porch?"

The day was marked with quiet observances at the three attack sites — New York, Washington, Pennsylvania — as well as other cities and small towns. Williams spent most of the day commemorating the event in the back of his garage.

"It's pretty hard for the neighbors or the cops to see me in here," he said, scratching at imaginary bugs. "Did you just hear something out back? Maybe it was the wind, but maybe not. Got a cigarette?"

Old garage Left: Site of Williams's 9/11 festivities

Williams also used the anniversary of 9/11 to steal your television set, conveniently located next to an open window.

"Sorry about that, man," he said, asking National Nitwit reporters to convey his regrets. "But I was out of rock, and the $50 I got from your Toshiba projection TV is going to carry me through at least 5:00 today. Hey - anybody got $20 I can borrow? My kid needs...uh... a heart transplant."


Jackie Chan to Star in Biography of Dalai Lama

Jackie Chan as Dalai LamaLeft: Dalai Lama action promo

(Hollywood) Action superstar Jackie Chan announced this week that he will direct and star in a film production of the life of the Dalai Lama, the influential spiritual leader of Tibetan Buddhism.

Entitled "Free This!" Chan says the film will recount the life story of the exiled Tibetan head of state in a "less traditional" fashion.

"We are showing Dalai Lama as one bad-ass man," said Chan to National Nitwit reporters. "He stand up to [Chinese president] Hu Jintao and beat him silly with short staff for holding on to Tibet."

Jackie Chan as Dalai LamaLeft: Jackie Chan as the young Dalai Lama

Chan said that one of his goals was to capture the Tibetan leader's sense of humor.

"There is one funny scene where Dalai Lama say: 'I am not third world ugly, women think I'm cute. Like Snoopy,'" he chuckled. "Plus, we pair him up with wisecracking black man to help him free Tibet. Black man get mad and say: 'Don't be messing with me, Dalai. I will kick your ass. I'll hit you so hard you'll end up in the Ming Dynasty. I mean it, I'll bitch slap you back to Bangkok!'"

Chan, catching his breath after laughing, said that he believes devotees of the Dalai Lama will accept the narrative changes.

"Listen - Dalai be fronting a lot. He really one crazy dog," he said. "All that peace and prayer is for show - the Lama know how to party. He put the 'bud' in Buddhist."


Man Named Ed Getting "Really Sick" of Erectile Dysfunction Ads

Left: Lammers is "mad as hell"

(Toledo, OH) Ed Lammers says that he is an "easygoing, reasonable guy," but he has reached his limit as the butt of jokes.

"All of those Cialis and Viagra ads use the letters "E.D." to describe impotence," he said. "And every moron I run into has to make a crack about my name: "Hey, E-D! Still limp?" or some stupid shit like that. It's gonna stop. Now."

Lammers said the breaking point came recently at Mass.

"I was receiving Communion, and the priest said: "The body of Christ, E-D," and chuckled as he gave me the wafer," he said. "If he wasn't a priest I swear to God I would have kicked his ass right there and then, in front of Jesus and everybody."

The worst part of the ongoing jokes, according to Lammers, is the reaction from his children.

'We'll be watching TV and one of those stupid ads will come on, and I can see the kids busting a gut to try and keep from laughing," he said. "Then I'll yell something like: "Go ahead, laugh!" and then they look down, ashamed. This shit is tearing apart my family."


Porn Soundtrack Composer Moonlighting on Cialis Ads

Porn soundtrack composer Corky FeldmanLeft: Feldman in between recording sessions

(Los Angeles, CA) Corky Feldman has been a mainstay in the adult film industry for nearly forty years, but his area of expertise is a bit unusual: the multi-instrumentalist is one of the porn world's top composers.

"I have won 18 Adult Video News (AVN) awards in categories such as 'Best Soundtrack' and 'Top Adult Musical,'" he said, gesturing toward a trophy case. "It's been pretty gratifying, even if some people don't care for the films my work is in."

Feldman has recently branched out into a new genre, composing advertising music for male enhancement products such as Cialis.

"It's a natural direction for me to go," he acknowledged. "Both formats are built around insecure men maintaining Olympic erections, and my music lends itself well to oversexed sixty-somethings who are hung up on their declining sexual prowess."

CialisLeft: More than just a stiffy with Feldman's help

His career as a porn soundtrack composer made sense in an additional way.

"Many of these old goats were jacking off to films as my music played in the 1970s," he chuckled, adding that he himself has "long since" embraced his impotence. "When those first few bars of the Cialis theme song come on, these clowns are subconsciously being transported back to their glory days of polyester and cheap coke. It's kind of pathetic, but hey - the royalties from this Cialis job are excellent."


Inmate "Embarassed" Over Rectal Gun-Smuggling Caper

Xray of smuggled handgunLeft: X-ray of Bardus and smuggled handgun

(Ashland, KY) Federal prison officials were "surprised" when a metal detector went off as incoming inmate Robert "Weezy" Bardus entered the Federal Correctional Institution (FCI) at Ashland Thursday morning.

A closer search of the inmate found that Bardus had a .44 caliber Desert Eagle handgun inserted in his rectum.

Worse yet for Bardus, the firearm had to be surgically removed. Contacted by National Nitwit, the sheepish inmate expressed embarassment over his dilemma.

"A guy gave me $100 to smuggle in the gun, and all was cool until the transport van hit a pothole," he said from his infirmary bed. "I realized then that I had a major problem."

Image of surgical procedure to remove handgun from anus Left: Artist's recreation of procedure to remove handgun

The gun removal surgery took about 90 minutes, according to prison officials, who described the procedure as "similar to an episiotomy."

Bardus said that he had "never experienced so much pain" as when the handgun became lodged in his rectum during the bumpy ride.

"I've been in prison before, so I am no stranger to unusual sexual practices," he acknowledged. "But at that moment I became convinced that, if there is a God, He is one mean son of a bitch."


Harris Admits Tits "Big Campaign Assets"

Katherine Harris with perky breasts on a horseLeft: Ride 'em, cowgirl

(Tampa, FL) Rep. Katherine Harris overcame opposition from within her own party to win the Republican primary for a U.S. Senate seat, moving on to a tougher race against Democratic incumbent Bill Nelson in the general election.

Harris, in an exclusive interview with National Nitwit, acknowledged that her campaign was "positively helped" by her 34-D chest.

"Most definitely - tits like these can turn heads and turn out the vote," she said, arching her back for emphasis. "That, plus the fact that I have gone down on something like 1,000 big money donors."

With 96 percent of precincts reporting, Harris picked up over 50 percent of the vote, leaving challengers far behind. Harris said that some last minute campaigning made the difference.

"Between Friday night and Tuesday morning my hotel room had a line 10 deep," she said, yawning. "I bagged half the county chairmen and most of the state legislators. This back room politics is tiring."

Katherine Harris on beach in DaytonaLeft: Harris working the beach last week in Daytona for votes

Harris said that defeating Democratic senator Bill Nelson will require "extra efort."

"If I have to sleep with every independent voter in the state of Florida, I'll do it," she said, cracking her gum. "The voters in this state would rather have a senator that likes anonymous truck stop sex than a liberal weenie who bends over and takes it from terrorists."


MTV Accidentally Airs Music Video

MTV logo By Billy Pilgrim, National Nitwit Rogue Editor

(New York)—MTV, the perennially youthful cable channel that has been a beacon for youth culture over the past two decades, made an egregious error this morning when it aired a music video instead of a reality sitcom.

The faux pas took the form of an airing of Pearl Jam’s artsy 1991 video for “Jeremy,” which depicts an adolescent youth who, after much torment from his peers, violently shoots himself in front of his teacher and classmates.

“Let me assure you—this was not an innocent mistake,” remarked Jeff Pinsky, a balding junior executive in MTV’s programming department. “Pearl Jam hasn’t been relevant in like, four centuries, and millions of viewers lost out on 5:18 minutes of quality reality television. Heads will roll.”

MTV logo for Made According to Pinsky, the program that was supposed to air was a new episode of “Made,” a show in which socially awkward and cosmetically repulsive teens take a month to reinvent themselves with the help of a life coach.

A recent installment featured, for example, an Iowa teen with cerebral palsy being “made” into an orthodontic assistant, while another documented a grotesquely obese teen from Seattle being “made” into a scuba diver.

“Today’s episode was a gem, too—this blind kid from Phoenix tries out for the Olympic fencing team,” huffed Pinsky while sipping a chi latte. “I only hope that, over time, we can regain the trust of the 12-17 demographic.”


Park Service Renames Statue of Liberty as "Freedom Bitch"

By Billy Pilgrim, National Nitwit Rogue Editor

(Ellis Island, NY)—After months of behind-the-scenes jockeying by the Bush Administration, the National Park Service has rechristened the Statue of Liberty “Freedom Bitch,” in a move that is sure to raise a firestorm of controversy in the coming weeks.

The copper statue—originally dubbed “Liberty Enlightening the World”—was the centerpiece of America’s centennial celebration in 1886, and was seen as a supreme gesture of goodwill between the U.S. and France.

However, White House Press Secretary Tony SNow offered some compelling rhetoric for the name change during a news conference yesterday afternoon.

“Let me assure you: the President appreciates the powerful legacy of this national monument,” McClellan explained, “but ‘liberty’ has like, a revolutionary feel. Have you seen our approval ratings? If people start taking it to the streets, we’re fucked—I’m talkin’ Lyndon Johnson fucked.”

Several neo-conservative think-tanks have also aggressively supported this ideological shift.

“Look: we’re at war, case closed,” boomed Frank Parker, founder of the American Heritage Foundation. “The new name has attitude. Nothing will strike more fear into the hearts of terrorists than a spiky-haired, pyromaniac chick. And if that means pissing off Monsieur Frenchy, so be it.”


Deaf Singer Hopeful About American Idol Chances

Left: Hot with hearing loss

(Chicago, IL) Jeremy Jeeter has been deaf since birth, and has absolutely no hearing in either ear.

This challenge, however, will not deter the 21-year-old from his dream: to become the next American Idol.

"Ah buweeve ah ken sin bettuh den dem udders," he said. "Ah wull nebbeh leh mah disabiddy sluh me don."

Jeeter said that he believes his signature singing style will set him apart from the other Idol hopefuls.

"Awwww bah mah seff, don wanna be, awww bah mah seff, ennymo," he crooned. "Dih you lahk dat? Mah guh fren seh she thin ahm gonna win it aw."

Not everyone is supportive of his dream, said Jeeter. One family member in particular thinks he should give up the dream.

"Mah muddah seh ahm gonna mek a foo uh mah seff," he mused. "Buh she ken kih mah ess, tupih bih."


Camper Firm Announces Gas-Friendly RV Kit for Compact Cars

Retrofitted Geo Metro with camper unitLeft: Miser-Cruiser camper unit on Geo Metro

(Lancaster, CA) High gasoline prices have forced many Americans to curtail recreational activities, and sales of RVs have plummeted as gas has averaged almost $3 per gallon this summer.

In response, Lance Campers - the top US producer of RVs and campers - announced the release of its new "Miser-Cruiser" line of mini-camper retrofits.

"Our basic unit is designed to accommodate the 3-cylinder Geo Metro," said company president Jack Cole. "The Miser-Cruiser camper is simply the most manageable, most cost-effective RV available on the market, unless you count that rusty trailer your cousin has been trying to pawn off on you for ten years."

Cole said that the Geo Metro model sleeps seven and gets an estimated 35 MPG on the highway.

"Of course, seven people is pretty packed, but it can be done," he said. "The big thing is you can get from Point A to Point B cheaper with the Miser-Cruiser than any other mode of transportation, except for a goat cart."

Traffic jam Left: The Miser-Cruiser will draw a crowd

The only drawback to the Miser-Cruiser, said Cole, is its lackluster performance in extreme conditions.

"I'd say you'll be pretty much fucked if you want to take this contraption in the mountains," admitted Cole. "And you won't make any friends in the mile-long line of cars with bigger engines behind you going uphill. But - performance aside - this is one cheap mode of transportation."

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