National Nitwit

(Kabul, Afghanistan) Osama bin Laden, hunted by US operatives for years in relation to the 9/11 attacks, announced this week that he is recording an album of Christmas favorites.

"Yeah, I'm a Muslim, and many in the West hate me, but nothing raises cash faster than putting out a Christmas disc," he said. "Besides, it's been four years, and most Americans have turned their attention back to stupid shit like Britney Spears and her baby."

Bin Laden said that he sticks to the standards, like "Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas," but that he occasionally modifies them.

"There's this one part in 'O Come Emmanuel" where I bust out with 'and kill all the American infidels,'" he said. "But other than a few wacky things like that, it's your standard holiday fare."

A spokesperson for WalMart, the nation's largest music retailer, said the chain will carry the record.

"He's a terrorist bastard and all that, but there is no profanity on the record," said WalMart's Megan Tenderwhite. "The bottom line is that this sucker will sell a million copies in the first week to people playing it backwards to see if Osama sneaks in a few messages to his followers."