National Nitwit

By Billy Pilgrim, National Nitwit Rogue Editor

(Washington, D.C.)—In a stirring show of feigned indignation and graphic masochism, House Majority Leader Tom DeLay repeatedly smashed his penis in a sliding glass door to assert his “unequivocal innocence to the American people” after he was indicted earlier this week with a felony conspiracy charge for an alleged finance scheme.

DeLay—who has been a leading House Republican for over a decade—has a reputation for outspokenness, and it shocked few on Capitol Hill that the Majority Leader would vehemently defend himself from what he saw as “uncharacteristically partisan Democrats distorting the judicial process.”

However, few Washington insiders had any idea that DeLay would be willing to sacrifice his own body as a means to symbolically assert his innocence.

“D.A. Ronnie Earle’s indictment is baseless, unsupportable, and myopic,” DeLay groaned, as he rhythmically bashed the upper shaft of his penis in a sliding door jamb at his Texas ranch, and leading members of the press stared in horror. “You see this bruised mass of man-meat? Do you? Let my message to be clear: whatever these liberal ideologues dish out, I can take. And that’s a promise.” DeLay paused briefly before adding, “shit, I’ll have this puppy bleeding by lunchtime.”