National Nitwit

By Billy Pilgrim, National Nitwit rogue editor

Left: the Supreme Court, in more sensible days

(Washington, D.C.)—The Supreme Court of the United States, a judicial body that is internationally regarded as a resonant symbol of American democracy and constitutional impartiality, broke their midnight curfew for the third night this week.

Eyewitnesses report the Justices were “uncharacteristically chummy” and all had breath that reeked of “a foul mixture of Busch Light, chronic, and sugarless gum.”

Justices Thomas and Scalia appeared particularly intoxicated, slurring their speech and leaning on one another like sloshed frat-boys as they tried to quietly enter the back door of the Capitol.

An Associated Press report states the pair was spotted at the Lincoln Memorial only hours earlier, playing air guitar and singing Mountain’s “Mississippi Queen” as baffled onlookers stared with palpable confusion.

“This was bound to happen,” says Judy Marco, a D.C.-area psychologist with the nonprofit group American Parents for Responsible Teens. “I mean, Rehnquist dies, O’Connor retires, and now this young guy Roberts is joining the fray. He’s clearly a bad influence. These justices are so impressionable at their age, who knows when this reckless orgy of drugs and vandalism will stop.”

While some in Washington are advocating that Congress revoke the Court’s car and cell phone privileges, skeptics argue it will have little impact on the Justices’ behavior.

“These brats will continue to defy authority until the hammer comes down,” remarked Jonathan Young, a congressional whip for Maryland Senator Barbara Mikulski. “Until they are punished like the punks they are, they’ll continue to roam the D.C. streets at night, stoned and violent like a bunch of roadies for Metallica.”