National Nitwit

By Banfu T. Burnside, contributing editor

(Washington, DC) A stunning revelation during a White House press conference today found President Bush rescinding his endorsement of Harriet Miers, Supreme Court nominee.

In her place, the president has put forward "One Unruly Mob." The rabble of malcontents, comprised mainly of laborers from the manufacturing and food-service industries, was surprisingly well behaved during the 13-minute announcement.

"I think about the Supreme Court every day," Bush began. "And when these 27 fellas showed up in my Rose Garden yesterday, carrying on about dead civilian babies and the like, I saw an absolutely unpassupable opportunity to patch up the hole in our nation's highest court."

The President went on to explain that he favored the mob's history of well documented political stances to Miers's scant record.

"Some of these folks tell me they're for a higher minimum wage," Bush said. "But they're also willing to back that up with crudely formed weapons. This is just further evidence of their commitment to America. You say that's called a tonfa, Mike?"

While some were clearly put off by the din of low grumbles and numerous fleeting episodes of "stink-eye" that emanated from the mob, Bush was undeterred.

"What we have here is a democracy. That means government by the people," he lectured. "And this unruly mob to my left is just the kind of people we need to turn the Supreme Court around."

It was soon discovered that the political stance of the small crowd on any pertinent issue could be easily divulged by imperiously shouting, "What do we want?" followed-up with an immediate "When do we want it?"

Armed with this knowledge, the press corps had no further patience for the president's notions of jurisprudence, and the conference devolved into a cacophony of Nader-slogans, and jingoistic affronts to Islam.