National Nitwit

(Redbird, OK) Phillip Calvin McGraw, better known as television's Dr. Phil, made an impromptu visit to the Old Muskogee Diner in this small Kansas town on Tuesday morning.

"He sometimes stops by on weekends, maybe once or twice a month," said Jessie Wilson, who was working the morning shift when the Emmy-nominated celebrity made his entrance. "Shania was showing him to a booth when he noticed the shiner I was sporting from that fight I had with Randy last week."

Wilson said Dr. Phil commented on it immediately.

"He asked me, 'Girl, how're you gonna love that child you're carrying if you don't love yourself enough to leave your abusive shitbag of a husband?'" she said. "I just kind of gasped."

Observers noted that Wilson was visibly rattled by the exchange, her
eyes welling with tears, but Dr. Phil simply wheeled around and marched to
his booth as if nothing untoward had happened.

Unfortunately for the employees and patrons of the Old Muskogee Diner,
unsolicited relationship advice wasn't the only thing on Dr. Phil's agenda.

"He seemed to have an axe to grind with the establishment," said Martin
Holstein, a local plumber who had stopped by for a mid-morning coffee break.
"Anytime something didn't suit his fancy, he gave poor Shania hell."

Holstein said Dr. Phil compalined his eggs were consecutively runny, overscrambled, and "obviously made by a bowlegged retard." When he eventually eschewed eggs for dry wheat toast and black coffee, most assumed the theatrics were over.

Left: Martin Holstein, regular customer

"Not so," explained Holstein. "When he noticed a speck of dust on the rim of his empty coffee mug, Dr. Phil sent the cup sailing across the room where it collided with the rotating pie display case."

The talk show host then complained loudly that fumes from the diner's griddle were giving him "kitchen sickness" as he crushed several servings of fruit preserves in
a clenched fist, according to Holstein.

When the diner staff was unable to comply with his request for several
minutes of complete silence, Dr. Phil stormed out the front door and drove
away in a late model Lexus.

"That Dr. Phil can be one nasty SOB," said Holstein. "Next time he comes in here and pulls that shit, I'm going to show him some tough love, all right."