National Nitwit

(New York) FOX said Wednesday it is cancelling the Paris Hilton-Nicole Richie reality series 'The Simple Life' after the show's two stars no longer proved compatible, and the reaction in the US stock exchange to the news was catastrophic.

The Dow Jones Industrial Average fell 0.4 percent nearly three hours into the session and the broader Standard & Poor's 500 index lost 0.6 percent. The Nasdaq composite lost 0.3 percent.

A Fox spokesperson said its midseason schedule did not have an "appropriate" time slot for the show.

"We did not see a place for 'The Simple Life' on our schedule this season," said Erica Jackson. "Besides, there is no way we could continue working with these idiotic skanks any more."


Ongoing worries about inflation and the economy were in play as well in the selloff, but most investors seemed to be distraught over the cancellation of the Hilton-Richie series.

Hilton remained upbeat about her future.

"I'm really excited about my movie projects, my new album and all my various other business ventures," she told the magazine. "And my new boyfriend just scored a kilo of some uncut Bolivian marching powder, so we are going to go apeshit on a three-week bender. See ya!"

Fed Chairman Alan Greenspan called upon the network to restore the series in an effort to stave off "irrational despondency."

"Look, these investors are like a bunch of fucking lemmings," he said. "Just give them back their goddamn show so we can have some stability in the markets."