.comment-link {margin-left:.6em;}

10/17/2005

Trace Amounts Of Exploitation Found In Nation’s $100 Bills


By Billy Pilgrim, National Nitwit Rogue Editor

(Washington, DC)—Many Americans in the 1980s were shocked to learn that most U.S. dollar bills contained trace amounts of cocaine as a result of “Me Generation” excess.

Now, twenty years later, a similar study has shown that most of the nation’s hundred dollar bills contain small but discernable quantities of a substance known as Exploitation, mostly from America’s minorities and working poor.

“This is a major breakthrough in the field of currency analysis,” said Dr. Timothy Baxter, a leading analyst at Johns Hopkins University. “Originally, our team was working on ways to insert tiny microchips in U.S. bills to monitor every financial transaction made by Americans, but when we discovered the Exploitation, our team was sent in a whole new direction. Frankly, we thought this stuff went extinct in 1865. It’s a rare find.”

Not all scholars agree with Baxter’s assessment, however, and the debate is gaining considerable momentum on Capitol Hill, where both parties are scrambling to conduct their own studies to possibly refute these findings.

“This whole dialogue is based on one study, and I think publications—even reputable ones [such as the National Nitwit], are jumping the gun here,” explained Jim Wilson, spokesperson of the bi-partisan think-tank Fuck Working People (FWP). “Until more research is conducted, that Exploitation is an unknown variable, nothing more. For all we know, it could Debasement, or Injustice, or Greed particles that have mingled with Corruption molecules.”

Wilson added with a tone of assurance: “I suggest concerned citizens continue with their lives as if nothing has happened, and let special interest groups and the federal process take care of this. We’re almost done with the Katrina quagmire, so we should be able to knock this baby out by Thursday.”

Comments:
I am itchy - do you think I have Exploitation on me?

Just wondering.
 
"... Contain small but discernable quantities of a substance known as Exploitation,"

In reality, Exploitation is more readily produced by mixing brow sweat with Capitalism...
 
i feel itchy AND have a sweaty brow,
do i have Exploition on me? (i shower daily and wash my hair)
 
Post a Comment



<< Home
Copyright 2007, National Nitwit ® . Unauthorized duplication prohibited, but feel free to link away. This is a satirical newspaper, and many of these stories are fictional. You have to guess which ones are faked. National Nitwit ® uses invented names in its stories, except when public figures are being satirized, or when we post a real story. Any other use of real names is accidental and coincidental. Subcomandante Bob once got jiggy with your mom, and she does things in bed that would shock you, dude. The content of this website is the property of National Nitwit ® and its authors, and may not be reprinted or retransmitted in whole or in part without the expressed written consent of the publisher. National Nitwit® is not designed for readers under 18 years of age. FAIR USE NOTICE: This site contains copyrighted material the use of which has not always been specifically authorized by the copyright owner. We are making such material available in our efforts to advance understanding of environmental, political, human rights, economic, democracy, scientific, and social justice issues, sustainable development, environmental, community and worker health, democracy, public disclosure, corporate accountability, and social justice issues, mostly because hot college women are also interested in the same issues. Go figure. Anyways, we believe this constitutes a "fair use" of any such copyrighted material as provided for in section 107 of the US Copyright Law. In accordance with Title 17 U.S.C. Section 107, the material on this site is distributed without fee or payment of any kind to those who have expressed a prior interest in receiving the included information for research and educational purposes, except when you are using it to get laid. If you wish to use copyrighted material from this site for purposes of your own that go beyond 'fair use', you must obtain permission from the copyright owner.

This page is powered by Blogger. Isn't yours?