National Nitwit

Left: government health advisor Michael Osterholm

(Washington, DC) The Bush administration yesterday announced that it has updated its plan for the next flu pandemic. The current worry among planners is that the bird flu in Asia could trigger a massive super-flu that could kill up to 1.9 million Americans.

"Our primary concern is that the nation has enough chicken soup, Kleenex, and...let's see...body bags to handle the epidemic," said Michael Osterholm of the University of Minnesota, a government adviser who has a copy of the draft plan. "With a projected death toll in the millions, we will definitely need to ramp up body bag production."

Osterholm said that it was "pointless" to try and develop a vaccine for avian inluenza, since the mutation rate would make any vaccine obsolete before it could be effectively administered.

"Yeah, we're pretty much screwed any way you look at it," he said. "My advice: head for the hills at the first sign of an epidemic, bar your doors, and shoot strangers before they can break into your cabin."

The US government has the anti-influenza drug Tamiflu stockpiled, with enough to treat an estimated 4.3 million people. The production of $100 million worth of a new bird flu vaccine just began, but Osterholm scoffed at the efforts.

"$100 million worth of an obsolete vaccine to treat another 30 million people - whoop-tee-doo!" he laughed. "That still leaves about 260 million Americans basically fucked, not to mention, oh, another 5.9 billion other humans on the planet. Face it - we're doomed."