National Nitwit

(Washington, DC) President Bush today announced a plan to prepare for the threat of an avian flu pandemic, calling for $7.1 billion in spending to stockpile reserves of antivirals and to move ahead with the development of a new vaccine.

"Today the federal government took flight with a plan to combat what you call your 'bird flu,'" said Bush. "There is no way I am going to let a bunch of sneezing, coughing birds affect the health of God-fearing, taxpaying Americans."

Epidemiological experts worry that if the virus mutates into a form that can be easily spread through human-to-human contact, the result could be a global pandemic, potentially causing millions of deaths. Almost half of the approximately 120 people who have contracted the virus have died to date.

Bush tried to downplay fears of a widespread epidemic.

"Come on now, this is nothing to get our feathers ruffled over," he said. "Why, if every American put on one of those dust masks and carried a tennis racket to smack these sick birds away, everything should be just fine."

The administration desires to have enough antiviral medication stockpiled for about 20 million people.

"It would not be a perfect match for the pandemic flu," the president said, "but would likely offer some protection, especially for the entire state of Texas."