National Nitwit

(Mogadishu, Somalia) Pirates firing rocket-propelled grenades and automatic weapons tried to hijack a U.S.-owned cruise ship yesterday off the East African coast, but the vessel carrying many American passengers escaped, its owners said.

"Two boats full of pirates approached the Seabourn Spirit about 100 miles off the Somali coast and opened fire, while the heavily armed bandits tried to get onboard," said Bruce Good, spokesman for the Miami-based Seabourn Cruise Line. "We blasted the filthy ne'er-do-wells off the starbord rigging and sent them back to Hell."

Good said that no passengers were injured, and that several contributed to the successful defense of the ship.


"Ay, an old woman grabbed a harpoon and speared one of the nasty devils," he said. "Sure as the day was young she hung him over a yardarm and gutted him like a sea bass. It were a glorious sight!"

The cruise ship had been bound for Mombasa, Kenya, at the end of a 16-day voyage from Alexandria, Egypt. It is expected to reach the Seychelles in the Indian Ocean tomorrow, and then continue on its previous schedule to Singapore.

"If we find any more of these aquatic hellhounds, we will keelhaul them and stuff their mouths with hardtack," said Good. "There is no place on the high seas for vagabonds of the like of the Somali pirates."