National Nitwit

(Washington, DC) Democrats who had voted previously to prohibit abusive treatment of detainees in American custody provided the margin of victory on Thursday for a Republican-backed measure that would deny prisoners at Guantánamo Bay typical prisoner rights.

"A foreign national who is captured and determined to be an enemy combatant in the world war on terrorism has no more right to a habeas corpus appeal to our courts than did a captured soldier of the Axis powers during World War II," said Senator Joseph Lieberman. "In addition, we think that they should get the ever-living shit kicked out of them on a daily basis, because they are subhuman."

Other Senate Democrats joined in the chorus of support.

"I don't think giving enemy combatants access to the federal court system is a precedent we want to set, even if they are US citizens," Conrad said. "We have also voted to cut off meals, running water, and pest control for these bastards."

Antonia Ferrier, a spokeswoman for Senator Olympia Snowe, provided additional anti-detainee comments.

"Do we need all those lawyers going down there to hear their complaints?" she asked. "It seems a little extreme for these prisoners to be demanding due process and all that stupid shit. They are enemy combatants, not human beings."