National Nitwit

(Lynchburg, VA) The Reverend Jerry Falwell cleaned house at Liberty University's athletic department, firing the football coach and two top administrators. Another football official resigned.

"For the past year we have been very unhappy with the direction of football here," Falwell said Friday. "Many of these young men have been touching themselves in un-Christlike ways, if you know what I mean."

Coach Ken Karcher's dismissal came two days before the Flames' final game at Norfolk State. Falwell said that Karcher had not fully embraced Liberty's high moral standards.

"We have videotape of Karcher and his wife watching the Satan-inspired TV show Desperate Housewives," said Falwell. "Also, the man has been filmed talking to Jews and blacks."

Karcher, whose record is 21-45 in six years at Liberty, was told of the news before the team practiced on Thursday; the coach declined comment.

Falwell reiterated the football program's mission statement.

"Our mission is to utilize football as a unique educational tool that will glorify God by developing Biblical character qualities," he said. "This team has been playing more like Delilah than like Samson, if you can follow the analogy."

Falwell said he already has spoken with three head coaching candidates and plans to have the empty positions filled quickly.

"I'm 72," he said. "I don't have much time to get the football program in the Top 20, and I sure as hell am not going to meet St. Peter at the pearly gates with a loser of a football team."