National Nitwit

By Billy Pilgrim, National Nitwit Rogue Editor

(Paris)—After nearly two weeks of intense rioting in Paris, French officials announced today that they have enlisted action superstar Bruce Willis to end the violence and restore normalcy to the nation under martial law.

Willis, who is best known for his performance in gritty blockbusters such as Die Hard and Sin City, has a Hollywood reputation for distinguished leadership, persistent three-day scruff, and ass-kicking, all of which has been sorely lacking in French government since the death of Charlemagne in the 10th century.

For President Jacque Chirac, the choice was a clear one.

“Look, I’m going to lose my fucking job if this shit keeps up,” Chirac said in a recent press conference near Lyon, where a new curfew has rekindled social animosity among impoverished rioters. “After a brief discussion with my cabinet members and a few phone calls, we got Mr. Willis on the first plane out of L.A, and hope to have this thing cleaned up by next Tuesday.”

Critics of Chirac’s federal policy note that these persistent outbursts have wider social implications, since most rioters are disgruntled teens of African and Middle-Eastern descent who suffer from widespread discrimination and unemployment.

But the President’s focus remains on public safety, as he candidly revealed in his closing remarks: “I know these kids are broke. That’s irrelevant. They’ve burned thousands of cars, torched storefronts, and jeopardized hundreds of lives. All I have to say is this: buckle up, baby. Remember Pulp Fiction? It’s go time.”