National Nitwit

(Guantanamo Bay, Cuba) Jose Padilla, a suspect in the "dirty bomb" conspiracy, has been charged by a federal grand jury in Miami with 11 felony counts, including conspiracy to murder US nationals and providing material support to terrorists.

The charges arrived three years after Padilla was detained. Legal analysts expect that the case will continue to move at a snail's pace.

"I project that opening arguments in the case will begin in August 2017," said US Attorney General Alberto R. Gonzales. "This is due to the fact that we allow Padilla one visit per year by his attorney, and we try to time it so that the visit coincides with a tropical storm. That way the only route for his bleeding heart attorney to get here is by raft."

If convicted, Padilla and his co-defendants face a maximum of life in prison. Gonzalez, however, believes that a sentencing will not be needed.

"If all goes well, we will keep this bloodthirsty criminal tied up in the courts for at least 40 years," he said. "That way he's off the streets, and he doesn't look like a martyr if the bastard should actually win his case. We shouldn't even get to closing arguments until at least 2037."

Federal officials said Padilla was recruited into an Islamic terrorist support cell that tried to raise money and fighters for terrorism abroad. The indictment, however, suggests that the group was not particularly successful.

"They only raised $100K over nine years," said Gonzalez. "Heck, President Bush raised that much, like, every 15 minutes of campaigning. What a bunch of losers."