National Nitwit

By Billy Pilgrim, National Nitwit Rogue Editor

(Washington, D.C.)—After weeks of mounting discord on Capitol Hill concerning the war on terror, faulty intelligence, indictment controversies, and slumping poll numbers, the Republican National Committee announced today that it was changing the party’s official symbol to the staunchly erect middle finger of a white male.

This marks a vast departure from the GOP’s previous icon, the Republican Elephant, which was created by cartoonist Thomas Nast in 1874 and first appeared in Harper’s Weekly. For countless Americans, the Republican Elephant symbolized strength, wisdom, and freedom, and has been a hallmark of conservative ideology for over a century.

But Republicans feel this move will help them reestablish dominance in a muddled and harrowing political landscape, and are confident in their decision.

“It was a difficult choice,” said Bill Frist, Senate Majority Leader and arguably most influential member of the legislature. “We kicked around a lot of ideas. Delay wanted to put Uncle Sam in fatigues, McCain wanted to give the elephant a big set of balls, but we finally chose something pointy. Clearly, it gets the job done.”

Frist’s colleagues echoed his sentiments.

“I am so fucking sick of Democrats whining and bitching like they own this joint,” remarked Senator Orin Hatch of Utah, one of the more vocal conservatives in Congress. “Personally, I wanted to switch to the finger back when Kerry lost, but W talked me out of it. Well, today’s the day, folks. Our message is simple and pure: either you’re a patriot, or you need to seriously go fuck yourself and get run over by a car. Preferably a Dodge Ram. Those bitches are huge.”