National Nitwit

(Topeka, KS) Fresh from their recent victories over Darwinism, pro-creationism advocates from the Discovery Institute announced that they will now turn their sights on other secular scientific dogmas, including the so-called Newtonian law of gravity as well as the neo-pagan belief in contagion theory.

Jonathan Wells, a fellow at the explicitly pro-Intelligent Design think-tank, said that “it’s time to purge the entire atheistic canon from our schools.” He added that “observations, hypotheses and deductions to propose adequate explanations for natural phenomena are just more mumbo-jumbo from godless heathens who seek to poison our youth.”

Wells argued that the introduction of Newtonian physics in the educational curriculum was a sign of secular dominance of the nation’s schools. He called on the Department of Education to introduce competing theories.

“‘Rational Attraction’ is a theory that explains why objects fall to the Earth,” he said. “The phenomenon is caused by the seductive pull of Satan, who as we all know lives in the middle of the planet. Humans are stuck to the planet until the Rapture, when the elect go to Heaven while sinners go to Hell.”

Wells discussed another potential curricular addition.

“The theory of contagion was promulgated by pagan medicine persons to explain disease,” he said. “However, it is clear from the Bible that all plagues are either Heaven-sent from an angry God, or delivered up by the Prince of Darkness to afflict mankind.”

This is a reprint of a Codependent Collegian piece that the Onion shamelessly plagiarized five weeks after it ran. Our story first ran on July 22, 2005, and they showed up with their cheap knock-off on August 17, 2005. We tried to play nice with the Onion's management, but they chose to ignore us. Be warned, almighty Onion, that we will vigorously defend our intellectual property and smite you if you pull this shit again. Don't make us have to get medieval with y'all.