National Nitwit

By Banfu T. Burnside, National Nitwit contributing editor

(Baltimore, MD) Lester Furley, a 43-year old general contractor, assaulted his young neighbor yesterday after she gave him bunny ears.

"The gesture was intended as a lark," said Sheela Wright, mother of eight-year old Kacey. The girl was not seriously injured during the incident.

"She saw him sitting on the porch swing, and she leaned over the railing and put her two fingers up behind his head," said Mrs. Wright. "But Lester became quite angry."

According to bystanders, Mr. Furley failed to find the situation humorous.

"Why would you do that?" he was quoted as saying. "Now everyone is gonna think I'm a bunny."

An exasperated Lester Furley then took young Kacey's wrist and gestured sharply at her still outstretched fingers.

"Do you know what that means?" He then released the sobbing girl and punched the wooden post that supports his awning. "I'm not some sort of grotesque man-bunny that can be toyed with," the tirade continued. "I hate the smell of carrots."

Though the Wrights quickly retreated to the safety of their home, Furley persevered,directing his comments to the side of their house.

"OK, run away then. I'll just stay here in my little hutch!" he shouted while miming an invisible wall near the edge of his porch.

The community has become increasingly concerned about Furley's outbursts, which began in 1997. The "mailbox of hate" incident stemmed from a humorous Christmas greeting card mailed to the contractor's residence, and earned him the moniker "Furious Furley."

Sheela Wright thinks her daughter was fortunate to have escaped unscathed.

"If he had mistaken those bunny ears for the more sinister devil horns variation, God knows what he might have done," said Wright.