National Nitwit

By Banfu T. Burnside, National Nitwit contributing editor

(Baltimore, MD) Thomas Roland set his child free last Monday morning at Baltimore Washington International Airport, during a trip home to see his parents.

"I was flying back to North Carolina to see the folks," said Roland, "and I just decided that I couldn't keep him in captivity any longer."

Roland released Preston, his son of eighteen months, back into the wilds.

"I just set him down with a sippy-cup full of his favorite juice, and a little bag of Cheerios," he said, wiping away a tear. "Then I watched him crawl away through the terminal."

According to Roland, he lacked confidence in his ability to competently father the child, a sentiment echoed by his ex-wife, Loretta.

"Loretta was always telling me what a lousy dad I'd be," he said. "In those moments before boarding, I finally realized that she was right."

Roland maintains that he had "no right to monopolize Preston's precious childhood," opting instead to let him roam free amongst the other babies.

"There was a Chinese kid at the other gate that I saw him playing with before I got on my plane," he said. "Maybe they'll be friends."

Though Roland's parents were initially dismayed when he arrived without their grandson, their shock gave way to cautious optimism.

"We hope that Preston will make better decisions than his father," said Arthur Preston. "But it's not up to us, he's his own man now."