National Nitwit

(Stanford, CA) Stanford University scientists have discovered a potential new weapon in the battle of the bulge: a hormone that reduces the urge to eat.

Named "cocarone," the chemical has been tested only in slender mice, not obese people. The discovery by Dr. Aaron J.W. Hsueh and his team will ideally translate into a useful obesity medication.

"Mice experiments demonstrated that the hormone effectively kills the urge to eat for many hours," said Hsueh. "The mice, though, stayed up all night watching TV and looking out the window to see if the cops were hiding in the bushes."

Because only a handful of animals were studied for a short period of time, far more work needs to be done, said Hsueh.

"They definitely got really skinny in a short period of time," he said. "The only side effect seems to be a near-constant runny nose, and the little bastards won't stop chattering when they are on the drug."

Hseuh believes that the pharmaceutical market will quickly capitalize on the new hormone.

"I've had calls from hundreds of pharmaceutical reps just tweaking to get their hands on cocarone," he said. "We are working out a distribution deal right now with a group out of Cali, Venezuela."