National Nitwit

(Antartica) Drilling deep into Antarctic ice, scientists have extended Earth's climate history by another 210,000 years. The new results, they say, drive home two key points:

• Today's atmosphere holds concentrations of carbon dioxide significantly higher than at any time in the last 650,000 years.

• Prehistoric peoples preferred clear liquors like gin and vodka over darker liquors like whiskey and scotch.

"This is yet another piece of information showing that the time scales on which humans have changed the composition of the atmosphere are extremely short compared to the natural time cycles of the climate system," notes Thomas Stocker, a researcher at Switzerland's University of Bern and a member of the research team. "These ice samples also show that prehistoric peoples knew how to party their asses off."

The new research comes from the European Project for Ice Coring in Antarctica, which drilled into the ice at a spot called Dome C in eastern Antarctica, where the ice at that point is 3,309 meters thick.

"The ice samples showed that these Neanderthal nutjobs could mix a wicked martini, not too dry and with just the right amount of vermouth," said Stocker. "Oh, and there some shit here about global warming and whatnot."

The research, funded the National Science Foundation, also found ocean levels were lower during the prehistoric era than previously thought.

"That means there were more beaches and probably more seaside bistros," said Stocker. "I forget what else this data might say. Oh yeah, the green olive with pimento was more prevalent in the past than it is today."