National Nitwit

An Editorial by Billy Pilgrim, National Nitwit Rogue Editor

(Toledo, OH)—I know it’s on everyone’s mind, so I’ll just come out and say it: these tsunami freeloaders are getting more financial assistance than a double-dipping welfare mother. Wired News Online reports that as of November 25th, the international pledge for the “victims” had reached a staggering $9.28 billion, with the United States contributing almost $1.15 billion.

Did you fucking read that? The federal government is pledging over a billion dollars to the relief effort in Southeast Asia—which is funny, really, because every time I drive to Cabela’s I’m reminded that the roads in Toledo are more pockmarked than James Woods’ upper neck, and there’s a tribe of homeless crazies living in a cardboard lean-to behind Cricket West. Only in America, land of the retarded, do we throw our life savings away on useless, two-bit nations while armed terrorists plot their next attack on this great land.

The gravest irony here is that all of our tax dollars are going to dead people. That’s right: all these “victims” are bloated sacks of disease and rotten flesh. What are they going to do with money in countries where the maggot-infested outdoor markets only participate in a form of Neanderthal bartering? More importantly, where are these pathetic stragglers-on going to buy fresh mangos and tourniquets? All the bodega owners are dead, floating in a sea of putrid donkey carcasses and monkey shit.

I’ll tell you what they’re going to do with the money – sit on their collective asses and laugh. At you, me, and every other patriotic American, while they play canasta and drink beer with their Commie pals. While we blow our hard-earned tax dollars on these third-world idlers, Osama and his cronies are in our backyard as we speak, stringing explosive charges together like Christmas lights, ready to turn Everytown into a mass grave for God-fearing Americans.

Here’s what I suggest to the Bush Administration: pay me, Billy Pilgrim, the $950 million as a consultation fee, and I’ll found the Department of Tsunami Relief. I’ll rebuild the infrastructure of Southeast Asia in one day, and save all hard-working Americans the grief of hearing broken snot-sobs and indecipherable gibberish spew from some brown kid’s sore-covered mouth as he swats at horse flies every night on CNN. Here’s my plan:

1) Gather all nine survivors.
2) Have them urinate on the same spot.
3) Build an earthen hovel out of the mud.
4) Commence celebration and prayers to a false god.

I will then invest the remaining $949.99 million in worthier causes, like front-row tickets to see Ted Nugent or the Billy Pilgrim Paternity Fund.

The bottom line, America, is we have terrorists to torture and a war to win. These “humanitarian” efforts are cute, but every dollar spent on some underwater village in Phang Nga is a dollar in a suicide bomber’s pocket. $156 billion and a Coalition of the Willing are a good start in Iraq, but we need to cut these bullshit distractions—Social Security, title IX athletics, the poet laureate—if we truly want to enforce democracy abroad.

And whatever you do, do not even think about getting me worked up about Hurricane Katrina!