National Nitwit

(Kabul, Afghanistan) Four US soldiers have been reprimanded for an incident in Afghanistan in which the bodies of two Islamic fighters were burned and a message taunting the Taliban about the cremations was broadcast to the other fighters.

Maj. Gen. Jason Kamiya, the operational commander of coalition forces in Afghanistan, said the troops should have used other methods.

"Burning the bodies caused a huge plume of smoke, visible for miles," he said. "They would have been better off grinding up the fuckers in a chipper-shredder."

Islam forbids the burning of the bodies of believers, but the burning of soldiers killed in combat is permitted under the Geneva Convention for hygienic and religious reasons.

"The biggest mistake these soldiers made was broadcasting this message over loudspeakers," said Kamiya. "Sticking a couple of the decapitated heads on sticks would have made a more chilling statement, and wouldn't have been noticed by the embedded reporters."

Muslim custom dictates that bodies be buried between 24 and 72 hours after death and that Muslims conduct the burial. Kamiya said that still could have been arranged.

"We could have delivered the shredded parts to them in Tupperware containers to keep Allah happy," he said. "That way the terorists would know that we mean business, and the whole religion thing would be covered."