National Nitwit

By: Rajef Irgupta, National Nitwit Columnist

In his State of the Union address President Bush claimed that in order to reform the defunct Social Security system “everything was on the table, except raising taxes.”

What the politicians are unwilling to admit is that “reforming” social security is like letting go of the wolf which is trying to rip out your throat. You simply cannot let go, and you simply cannot reform Social Security without becoming consumed by the rabid geriatric horde represented by the AARP. In short, the wolf needs to be shot!

It is for this reason that I submit the following solution for this paradox: senior citizens and disabled people should be used as workers in dangerous jobs. The aged would make excellent workers in nuclear power plants, since they would be able to change the fuel rods by hand without the need for safety equipment. We then simply dispose of them once they are too sick from radioactive poisoning, along with the spent fuel rods. The advantage here is two-fold: society gets something from the seniors’ labor and there are fewer social security checks to write.

In addition, we need to consider all the wasted protein that exists in the form of the elderly and the disabled. U.S. foreign aid packages should include barges full of human jetsam sent to places like the Sudan and Ethiopia. These social parasites would be shipped to foreign slaughterhouses, where their freshly butchered meat could be inexpensively marketed to the teeming masses as aged prime rib.

Now, during these tough financial times, we require strong leadership. Principled men who are willing to take on the special interests, like the AARP, and make sure that the old, the feeble, and the invalid do not get more than their fair share.

I salute these men of vision and courage. I hope they are true to their word in considering every option, “except raising taxes,” in order to reform social security, but would it not be better to simply get rid of the program altogether?


Bio: Rajef Irgupta is a frequent contributor to National Review Online, Fortune, and The Wall Street Journal. His recent book Class War: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love Scraping the Poor from My Shoes has been praised as “ground-breaking’ by The Heritage Foundation.

Next Month: “Logan’s Run” as a Model for Geriatric Sanctuary