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12/23/2005

Bloomberg Unveils Hover Car, Swears Vengeance On City Transit


By Billy Pilgrim, National Nitwit Rogue Editor

(New York)—In a stunning show of executive prowess, New York mayor Michael Bloomberg has announced that he is releasing a fleet of hover cars—financed by his own personal fortune—for immediate use by city residents.

Most analysts agree that this move will single-handedly squelch the demands of striking transit workers, who paralyzed the city for days before agreeing to return to work yesterday.

“I have tried to be patient, and I have tried to show compassion to these workers,” Bloomberg stated in a polished press conference earlier today. “But I sat at a stoplight for 46 minutes today in the back of my stretch Hummer, and goddamn it, enough’s enough. Behold: the future of New York transportaion!”

With the dramatic flourish of a magician, Bloomberg and several interns opened a vast curtain, revealing dozens of space-age vehicles that gently whirred and teetered mid-air.

Hundreds of reporters exploded with rapturous applause, while one Fox News affiliate waited uncomfortably for someone to respond to his lingering high-five.

“This is a great day for New York,” beamed Ralph Murray, a municipal worker in attendance. “I thought it was pretty awesome when I got to eat nine pints of ice cream in the ’77 blackout, but hover cars? I’m totally gonna spit on some bus drivers in an unemployment line.”

Comments:
transit workers smell like grease
 
...while one Fox News affiliate waited uncomfortably for someone to respond to his lingering high-five.

If you are a Fox News affiliate you get used to this happening pretty much everywhere you go.
 
Tethered (powered up, that is) hover cars; now THERE'S an idea...
 
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