National Nitwit

(Washington, DC) President Bush yesterday refined the Iraq war timetable that he unveiled last week.

"My fellow Americans: we will be in Iraq a long ass time," he told reporters. "There are over 26 million terrorists in Iraq, and frankly 100,000 US soldiers will need a lot of time to hunt them all down."

Bush said that optimistic initial estimates of 2 and 5 years for a US presence changed as conditions in the battlefield "morphed."

"All of you who criticize me need to know one thing: there is no way we could have known that the entire population of Iraq would turn on us like they have," he said. "Remember, they were all dancing in the streets after Sadaam's government fell. How were we supposed to predict that these Iraqi bastards would all turn terrorist on us?"

The president called on his critics to join him in the anti-terrorist campaign.

"We have 26 million terrorists to kill, maim, or arrest," he said. "Instead of all this whining about human rights, why don't y'all grab an M-16 and help the Marines clean out the terrorists threatening America's oil?"