National Nitwit

(Washington, DC) President Bush on Thursday gave up his opposition to a formal, legal ban on 'cruel, inhumane and degrading' treatment of US-held detainees, ceding to strong pressure from Congress.

"It is clear that the American people no longer want us to beat the ever-living shit out of terrorists, even if it means American babies might be killed," said Bush, pounding the podium for effect. "That's all right. We'll just send terrorists to Texas jails, where they aren't too wimpy to deal with murdering thugs."

The initiative, spearheaded by Senator John McCain, met strong resistance in the Bush administration, especially from Vice President Dick Cheney. Bush had threatened to veto the measure as hindering the war on terrorism.

"Hey, no problem. We'll just let the terrorists do whatever they want," said Bush. "Just don't come crying to me when Abu Musab Al-Zarqawi kidnaps your grandmother."

The retreat by Bush is seen by some as a sign that the president is politically weaker than in his first term, when the Republican-controlled Congress rarely defied him on important legislation. Cheney sought an exemption for the CIA, but the White House also conceded on that point.

"Now when Osama shows up in Peoria, Illinois with a dirty bomb, don't blame George W.," said Bush. "Dick and I could have given Osama a little two-fisted love and found out about his plot, but y'all are so worried about civil liberties that I guess we'll have to let Osama nuke every city in the US."