National Nitwit

(Washington, DC) The Bush administration, already reeling from disclousures that the President authorized illegal wiretaps, faced another scandal today. An investigation by the National Nitwit has uncovered evidence that the government has been utilizing other, more sinister methods of surveillance.

Among the findings: government operatives have been using x-ray specs and decoder rings in their efforts to root out terrorists.

"The purpose of these devices is to detect and prevent terrorist attacks against the United States, our friends and allies," Mr Bush told the nation in his weekly radio address. "At no time have we been using the x-ray specs to scope out bodacious babes."

Despite evidence that Bush's secret spy program disrupted terror plots in the US and abroad, there has been a sense of outrage among politicians in Congress. Bush denied that there has been any unwarranted surveillance.

"This is a highly classified program that is crucial to our national security," he said. "Besides, these Ovaltine decoder rings are really cool. Dick and I were able to read some AIM messages between Zarqawi and an 18-year old Iraqi man, and let's just say that Abu Musab likes 'em young and hairy."


Critics say the devices jeopardize civil liberties, and politicians say the program circumvents the constitutional checks on the White House. Bush disagreed.

"Our mission is to root out terrorism at home and abroad," he said. "These are just tools used by intelligence agencies to gather information. We definitely have not been checking out the hooters on your hot college daughter at Brown when she was walking to class in that skin-tight Abercrombie T-shirt."