National Nitwit

Left: Ageless Dick Clark

(New Orleans, LA) The world’s oldest teenager makes his return, as Dick Clark is taking his place center stage on New Years Eve. This year's festivities will take place in New Orleans, the center of devastating Hurricane Katrina.

"It feels great to be back," said Clark, getting preemptory vaccinations against hepatitis and cholera. "We are going to rock in the new year with all 1,100 of the people who have moved back to the Big Easy."

Due to a stroke Clark was unable to host the show last year. The 77-year old icon said there will be a number of changes in this year's show, which has the title of "Dick Clark's Floatin' and Starvin' New Years Eve."

"Instead of a falling ball we will feature a black New Orleans resident falling from his roof," said Clark. "It's really funny; the dude screams all the way down before falling into a waist-deep toxic soup."


Left: Dancers rehearse the looting sequence

Clark will be joined by American Idol’s Ryan Seacrest, who has a skit with a group of looters.

"It's a dance sequence with real survivors," said Clark. "While grabbing food, clothes, and big-screen TVs, Ryan and the looters dodge hyped-up National Guard troops in a makeshift WalMart parking lot, all to the tune of 'I'm So Excited' by the Pointer Sisters. It's hilarious!"