By Billy Pilgrim, National Nitwit Rogue Editor
(Baltimore, MD)—Many parishioners at St. Paul’s Episcopal Church finally felt the warmth and miraculous spirit of the holiday season on Sunday when the Advent season officially began. All of this changed later that evening, however, when hundreds of families donated their offspring after a flyer typo broadcasted the congregation’s “Tots For Toys” program to the entire city.
“I’ve never seen so many runny noses in my fucking life,” said Margaret Harrison, 54, a senior member of St. Paul’s choir. “We were cleaning up after our evening service when all these infants were left in the church nave. Next thing I know, there’s a line of haggard mothers screaming for Game Boys.”
St. Paul’s senior pastor John Amherst immediately sent a press release to Baltimore’s main news outlets, but volunteers complain that the damage is, for the time being, irreversible.
“My mom made me rummage our hall closet and bring in all of our old board games to get these people outa here,” lamented Isaac Baxter, 13, between muffled sobs. “I saw two grown men fighting over my sister’s Easy Bake Oven. They don’t even make brownie mix for those things anymore.”
Despite the overwhelming influx of half-starved souls, Pastor Amherst finds some redemption in an otherwise catastrophic situation: “Clearly we can’t feed all these children. That’s a given. But the good news is that church attendance has skyrocketed as a result, and we can finally fill some vacancies in the bell choir.”