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12/15/2005

God Certifies Existence, Testifies Against Hussein


By Billy Pilgrim, Newly Sober National Nitwit Rogue Editor

(Baghdad)—In a stunning show of prosecutorial guile, the international team of lawyers charged with bringing Sadam Hussein to justice called God Almighty, the alleged force behind the known universe, as a surprise trial witness earlier this morning.

Several representatives of major news agencies cited the testimony as “totally wicked,” with one exasperated reporter revealing “it was like seeing Elvis-Fucking-Presley, but more spiritual.”

According to a 1986 edition of the Encyclopedia Britannica located in the National Nitwit newsroom, this is the first time God himself has appeared since the development of the laser disc.

However, what was most striking for courtroom observers was the candor and directness with which the Almighty spoke.

“I’m missing my weekly bagel-and-juice chess game with Einstein for this, so let’s try to keep things moving, shall we,” God remarked as he crushed the remainder of a Marlboro cigarette on the heel of his left sandal. “Hussein is a sick puppy. Like, stab-his-own-mother-with-a-screwdriver sick. Unfortunately, I’m not giving him prostate cancer for another 13 years, so you need to lock his evil ass up.”

God’s appearance has all but silenced criticism concerning Hussein’s treatment by human rights activists, who have argued for months that the former Iraqi President is himself a victim of cruel and unusual punishment.

“This is truly remarkable,” observed Jared Fitzpatrick of the nonprofit watchdog Justice International. “I guess our pussified agenda truly has no merit.” Fitzpatrick paused a moment before adding, “Did y’all see God’s muttonchops? Them shits was off the hizzle.”

Comments:
God bless you, Billy Pilgrim. Keep working it...
 
Fo shizzle!
 
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