National Nitwit

(Teheran, Iran) Hard-line President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad banned all Western music from Iran's state radio and TV stations on Monday, but later changed his mind on a few "bland" acts.

"Blocking indecent and Western music from the Islamic Republic of Iran Broadcasting is required," said Ahmadinejad in a prepared statement. "However, really crappy bands like Nickelback are OK, since people are lulled into a stupor anytime this corporate excrement gets played."

Western music was first outlawed by the Ayatollah Khomeini soon after the 1979 revolution. Many Iranian musicians went to the West; a thriving Iranian music industry exists today in Los Angeles.

Ahmadinejad said that other bands have also been approved for Iranian audiences.

"We are also making considerations for Fallout Boy, Limp Bizkit, and Slipknot," he said. "These bands are so horrible that people will run right the fuck away from their radios."

The Iranian president said that other decisions on allowing select crappy Western bands will be judged on a case-by-case basis.

"Our criteria is pretty simple: any band that totally sucks to the ear of a Western listener will be allowed," he said. "We have had nominations for Backstreet Boys and the Dave Matthews Band, both of which have tested well in focus groups. These two bands caused listeners to subconsciously reach for the 'off' switch within three seconds of airplay."