National Nitwit

(Wittenburg, Germany) Martin Luther, the German ecclesiastic whose 95 Theses sparked the Protestant Reformation, suddenly reappeared after four and one-half centuries of exile.

Luther surprised world theologians with his worldly concerns.

"Listen - you people have been ripping off my material for hundreds of years," he said in a prepared statement. "I mean, 'A Mighty Fortress Is Our God' alone ought to be worth $30 million, especially if Michael Jackson holds the copyright."

Luther's insistence that the Church return to the teachings of the Christ led to the formation of new denominations within Christianity and to the Counter-Reformation, the Catholic reaction to these movements. Luther demanded compensation for his efforts.

"Without me, you all would still be under the yoke of the Papacy," he said. "I understand money was tight in the sixteenth century, but the bill is due and I want to get paid."

Luther, who supposedly died in 1546, said that he actually went into exile.

"I've been working out, eating a lot of high-fiber foods and yogurt," said the 522-year old Luther. "Now is the time for me to recoup some of what I am owed and live a little. Say, how is South Beach this time of year?"