.comment-link {margin-left:.6em;}


Man Inadvertently Listens To Bing Crosby Album 27 Times

By Billy Pilgrim, Former Eggnog Mainliner and National Nitwit Rogue Editor

(Grand Rapids, IA)—Forrest Baker relished the opportunity to do some last minute Christmas shopping online this afternoon while his wife Sarah took their two daughters to buy holiday groceries. Little did he realize, however, that he had already heard Bing Crosby’s 1950 album Christmas Greetings a dozen times, and with dead batteries in the stereo remote, it would permeate the house for the next six hours.

“I knew I should have shut that shit off and put on some Queen,” Baker remarked as he nonchalantly browsed flannel shirts at Eddie Bauer’s online store. “I never get to listen to any of my records anymore with the kids romping around. But damn if Crosby can’t make “Rudolph” really swing.”

Since Baker had many last-minute purchases to make—not to mention several utility bills that were nearing their deadline—he simply lost track of time, and found himself humming “White Christmas” approximately every 33 minutes, at times imitating Crosby’s full-throated bass notes.

“Of course, by the time I realized what I had done, it was too late,” Baker revealed as he filed some printed e-receipts. “Sarah had asked me to do the dishes and straighten up, and I knew she was on her way home. I wasn’t gonna risk another blowout over a dirty saucepan.”

However, Sarah Baker questions her husband’s self-disclosed productivity, and suspects his listening material was purely intentional.

“Forrest didn’t do a goddamn thing while we were gone,” Sarah huffed as she violently flung clothes into the dryer. “I asked him to take some time to pay our bills and really clean this place. When I got home, it reeked of pipe tobacco, and all of his old cardigans were strewn on the bedspread. He’s a real catch.”

This reminds me of a bit from Family Guy:

Peter Griffin: Lois, our son has been blessed with a great gift. And I'm gonna do everything I can to nurture that talent and help him succeed. Because that's good parenting. Right, Bing Crosby?

Bing Crosby: That's right. And if your kids give you any lip you can beat them with a sack of Valencia oranges. It won't leave a bruise and they'll let 'em know who's boss. There's no doubt about it.

Peter Griffin: But that doesn't sound right.

Bing Crosby: Are you giving me lip, boy? Because I'll take this belt off and put the smack-down on you! Is that what you want? How's that? (whacks Peter with belt)

Peter Griffin: OW! Knock it off! Get away from me, you dead crooner!
Bing Crosby

Like a bad acid flashback...

A legend in his own mind.
Gosh, other guys have blowouts with their wives over dirty saucepans? You mean I'm not alone? Wow.
Post a Comment

Links to this post:

Create a Link

<< Home
Copyright 2007, National Nitwit ® . Unauthorized duplication prohibited, but feel free to link away. This is a satirical newspaper, and many of these stories are fictional. You have to guess which ones are faked. National Nitwit ® uses invented names in its stories, except when public figures are being satirized, or when we post a real story. Any other use of real names is accidental and coincidental. Subcomandante Bob once got jiggy with your mom, and she does things in bed that would shock you, dude. The content of this website is the property of National Nitwit ® and its authors, and may not be reprinted or retransmitted in whole or in part without the expressed written consent of the publisher. National Nitwit® is not designed for readers under 18 years of age. FAIR USE NOTICE: This site contains copyrighted material the use of which has not always been specifically authorized by the copyright owner. We are making such material available in our efforts to advance understanding of environmental, political, human rights, economic, democracy, scientific, and social justice issues, sustainable development, environmental, community and worker health, democracy, public disclosure, corporate accountability, and social justice issues, mostly because hot college women are also interested in the same issues. Go figure. Anyways, we believe this constitutes a "fair use" of any such copyrighted material as provided for in section 107 of the US Copyright Law. In accordance with Title 17 U.S.C. Section 107, the material on this site is distributed without fee or payment of any kind to those who have expressed a prior interest in receiving the included information for research and educational purposes, except when you are using it to get laid. If you wish to use copyrighted material from this site for purposes of your own that go beyond 'fair use', you must obtain permission from the copyright owner.

This page is powered by Blogger. Isn't yours?