National Nitwit

By Billy Pilgrim, Former Eggnog Mainliner and National Nitwit Rogue Editor

(Grand Rapids, IA)—Forrest Baker relished the opportunity to do some last minute Christmas shopping online this afternoon while his wife Sarah took their two daughters to buy holiday groceries. Little did he realize, however, that he had already heard Bing Crosby’s 1950 album Christmas Greetings a dozen times, and with dead batteries in the stereo remote, it would permeate the house for the next six hours.

“I knew I should have shut that shit off and put on some Queen,” Baker remarked as he nonchalantly browsed flannel shirts at Eddie Bauer’s online store. “I never get to listen to any of my records anymore with the kids romping around. But damn if Crosby can’t make “Rudolph” really swing.”

Since Baker had many last-minute purchases to make—not to mention several utility bills that were nearing their deadline—he simply lost track of time, and found himself humming “White Christmas” approximately every 33 minutes, at times imitating Crosby’s full-throated bass notes.

“Of course, by the time I realized what I had done, it was too late,” Baker revealed as he filed some printed e-receipts. “Sarah had asked me to do the dishes and straighten up, and I knew she was on her way home. I wasn’t gonna risk another blowout over a dirty saucepan.”

However, Sarah Baker questions her husband’s self-disclosed productivity, and suspects his listening material was purely intentional.

“Forrest didn’t do a goddamn thing while we were gone,” Sarah huffed as she violently flung clothes into the dryer. “I asked him to take some time to pay our bills and really clean this place. When I got home, it reeked of pipe tobacco, and all of his old cardigans were strewn on the bedspread. He’s a real catch.”