National Nitwit

(Washington, DC) Facing criticism from politicians on both sides of the political aisle, President Bush today unveiled a plan to rename the Patriot Act into something "easier for people to understand."

"The word 'patriot' reminds too many people about history, which they hated in junior high," said Bush. "By changing the name to the 'Loyal American Act,' we are sure that people will better understand exactly what types of people need to worry: terrorists, drug dealers, and traitors."

President Bush said Saturday that senators who are blocking renewal of the terrorism-fighting act are acting irresponsibly and standing in the way of protecting the country from attack.

"Anyone who stands up against this bill is announcing to the world that they are a worthless piece of terrorist-enabling scum," said Bush. "They obviously smoked too much dope in the 1970s and got infected with the dangerous ideas of liberal professors on radical campuses."

Senate Democrats, with the aid of some Republicans, succeeded Friday in delaying a vote on the bill, which has already been approved by the House. Bush called upon the country to contact their senators.

"I want angry mobs with torches and pick-axes in front of every treasonous senator's house next week," he said. "I want these al-Qaeda supporters to feel the wrath of a ill-informed and flag-waving crowd of real Americans."