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Shell CEO Just About Shits Pants After Earnings Report

Left: Royal Dutch Shell's Jeroen van der Veer

(The Hague) Jeroen van der Veer, CEO of Royal Dutch Shell plc, said that he was "blown away" by the oil company's preliminary quarterly earnings statement.

"I looked at the bottom line and thought: 'holy mother of God!'" he smiled. "I rubbed my eyes and there it was - $100 billion fucking US dollars profit on $200 billion in quarterly sales."

The company's success, said van der Veer, owed nothing to the efforts of its employees.

"Hurricane Katrina was the best thing that ever happened to this company," he said, pausing to wipe drool from his face. "We were inching along at about a $10 billion pace when all hell broke loose. Jesus Christ, I still can't believe this!"

Van der Veer said that the company is still formulating plans for the profit windfall.

"Yeah, there's going to be some massive bonuses to the executive committee," he said, pausing to empty a bottle of Dom Perignon over his secretary's head. "We also have to plan for the retirement of all those execs who are going to be cashing out billion-dollar stock options packages. But - holy shit, I gotta sit down - can you fucking believe this? $100 billion in profits?"

So, I guess that van der Veer is excited.

Whooptie F****n Doo...
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