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1/09/2006

Christian Rockers Question Their Coolness After Recent Gig

By Billy Pilgrim, National Nitwit Rogue Editor

(Milwaukee, WI)—Faith-driven rock band Messiah Shroud had a disturbing moment of clarity after observing their fan base at a club performance late Saturday night.

According to eye witness reports, there were approximately 30 people in attendance, most of whom were teenage girls between the ages of 12 and 17.

“I can’t believe I quit playing the bar scene for this bullshit,” remarked lead guitarist James Xavier between drags off his Parliament menthol backstage. “I can’t even flirt with these young-ass groupies, dude—I’m on probation for another three months.”

Sources close to the group cite vocalist Zach Evans as the driving force behind the band’s musical makeover, which began in late 2004 after he attended a church retreat. Formerly known as Banished Moon, the quintet sacrificed a lucrative contract with an independent label to change their format from hallucinogen-inspired emo-thrash to Christian metal.

“This is so lame,” huffed bassist Ian McCormack after the two-song encore. “Did you see those kids? I think one girl had a Sponge Bob shirt on. At this rate, I’m never gonna have a threesome.”

Comments:
Ah yes, the secret to becoming a successful christian rock band... replace the name of the girl with "God" and you will be successful. Of course, the difference is that you will still be successful as a christian rocker if you write bad music, because God has chosen them. Amen.
 
Ain't that the truth, Kurt.
 
Snork!
 
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