National Nitwit

(Los Angeles, CA) The condition of comatose Israeli Prime Minister Ariel Sharon has shown no change, hospital officials said today.

"He is still in a serious condition and stable," a spokesman for Jerusalem's Hadassah hospital said on Sunday. "The old bastard is still clinging to life, but his days are numbered."

The failure of the Israeli leader to die has not deterred Hollywood filmmakers from planning a bio-pic.

Daily Variety reports DreamWorks Pictures has picked up a comedy-drama pitch on the life of Ariel Sharon from Ben Stiller, writer-director Rawson Marshall Thurber and producer Stuart Cornfeld, who worked together on the surprise hit Dodgeball last year.

It is expected that John Goodman will play the role of the portly Israeli general-PM.


"Yeah, John's got most of the qualifications: he's fat, he's a bit of a wild man, and he has slaughtered Palestinians in refugee camps," said Stiller. "Well, we're still trying to verify the whole slaughtering angle, but in every other way it's a dream casting."

Goodman believes that the diverse roles he has played will lend themselves well to his ability to employ method acting.

"The good thing is I only have to add about 30 pounds to play Sharon," he said. "The bad thing is my Hebrew sucks, and is limited to shit like "matzah balls" and "mandelbread."

Other actors already cast include Owen Wilson as Deputy Premier Ehud Olmert and Robert DeNiro as Mahmoud Abbas, president of the Palestinian Authority.

"We also got Cameron Diaz to commit to playing this carefree physician who all the major players in the Middle East fall in love with," said Stiller of the film, which is tentatively titled Something About Sharon. "So it's not quite non-fiction, but the crazy hijinks that get going whren Brett Favre shows up at the peace talks are just hilarious!"