National Nitwit

By National Nitwit correspondent Raphael Dahomey

(Kuwait City) Sheik Jaber Al Ahmed Al Sabah, the emir of Kuwait and one of the United States' closest Mideast allies, was buried Sunday in a ceremony attended by thousands of citizens who mourned the death of an the Gulf ruler.

A surprise came when the will of the emir was read to family members gathered in the office of the late monarch's lawyer.

"I, Jaber Al Ahmed Al Sabah, being of sound mind and body, do hereby bequeath all my worldly good to Corey Haim," read the attorney aloud. "That guy was really cool!"

A shocked crown prince Sheik Saad Al Abdullah Al Sabah denounced the testament.

"I hope that fucker burns in hell for a million years," he cursed. "And after I helped him get out of that mess with the dead boy in his bedroom last year; just goes to show that blood don't mean jack shit after all."

The new emir watched from a wheelchair as the body of his distant cousin was wrapped in a Kuwaiti flag.

"Why don't you burn him in the flag, too?" jeered Al Sabah. "Back-stabbing, boy-hungry pedophile!"

Haim, whose breakthrough came when he snagged one of the major roles in Joel Schumacher’s "Lost Boys," expressed excitement at the news.

"Man, that is totally bitching," he said, rubbing his hands. "I've got coke and smack dealers all over Orange County calling my ass - word sure gets around fast in this town. Hey - how long do you think it will take me to blow through an $80 billion inheritance?"